Lorenzo Jensen III

“While I’m driving I think about just taking a hard right off the side of the road and wonder if I would survive.”

“My dad has a giant penis. Tired of living in your shadow, dad!”

“My dad was a pretty violent pedophile, and also extremely charming, and was a certified genius.”

“From what I was told, he was a nice guy.”

“At six years old he burned down the family home on purpose to kill his father for not getting him a Star Wars toy.”

“I’ve worked for 6 years as a retail cashier; at this point the cash register has more of a soul than I do.”

“I may not be a weatherman but you’re gonna get more than a few inches tonight.”

Ladies, you need to print out this list and tape it to your headboard.

8. Shaved-and-Sharpied eyebrows.

12. Sandals with socks.

1.
Smell amazing.

1. He tried to force me to wear a red wig.