Lorenzo Jensen III

“Relax and have fun. Enthusiasm is sexier than whatever else you could possibly do.”

“When it’s been a long day, you finally lay down in bed and have that huge, satisfying full body stretch. I think I’ve literally heard this referred to as a ‘bedgasm.’”

“We take off our clothes and she has a brown doo-doo line in her underwear.”

“You can use my mouth anytime you want.”

“If I get home from work before my girlfriend, I will cuddle the cats and talk to them in a cute-ish high-pitched voice.”

Have you heard the one about the hanging mannequin that actually turned out to be a suicide victim?

The most persistent Halloween urban legend of all is the idea that somewhere in your hometown lurks a sadist who’s poisoning the Halloween candy he’s giving out to random trick-or-treaters.

“A woman smoking a cigarette. Something about a long draw on a cigarette and a long exhale makes a girl 1000% more attractive. Makes no sense, I know, ’cause cancer and so on, but damn.”

“When my male dentist has his hands in my mouth so I can’t really close it.”

“Watching a guy do outdoorsy things…watching a guy rock-climb, pitch a tent (pun intended), start a fire, etc. Anything that shows he is self-sufficient in nature. Huge turn-on.”

“Scratches/bruises/blood/dirt/sweat on a guy. Especially minor facial scratches. I don’t know why, but hot damn, every time the hero (or sometimes villain) of a movie gets a little beat up…hoo boy.”

“All of a sudden, a giant monstrous hand jumped out, grabbed the boy, and took him in to the lake.”

“It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been in bed for five hours listening to a small girl screaming ‘IT HURTS’ inside my head.”

Centralia, PA. It is a Pennsylvania coal-mining town that ended up having a GIANT underground fire relatively (30 yrs?) recently. The fire burns to this day, and the town has been since evacuated. You can feel the heat from the ground under your feet…

“She didn’t know how to insert a tampon.”

“He didn’t understand the concept of time zones and thought people in a different time zone could tell the future. The whole relationship was a mistake.”

“I’m not a bitch just because I’m not super-friendly right off the bat. It takes me a while to warm up to new people.”

“It was a very cold night so I went and checked on him, thinking he was homeless. Nope—dead body!”