Lorenzo Jensen III

Q: So, masturbation—can you explain what that is like with two vaginas?
A: Not much different. I just get to choose which vagina.

“I have to ask: How do you get hard if your client is unattractive? And how do you keep going if your client is very attractive?”

“I found my boss. It was bad. Really hard to look at her the next day. Made me feel reaaaaal weird.”

“He could see nothing but the reflection of the bubbles from the hose and the dark, lifeless eye of the Great White behind it.”

“A witness was watching from across the river through his telescope (probably creeping on her) when, out of the woods behind her, a man walked up, grabbed her by the hair, and dragged her back to the woods.”

“When they throw you or someone else under the bus to try and get laid.”

“My grandfather on his deathbed said, ‘they have no eyes’; still gives me chills.”

“It’s not a baby in there, it’s a monster and when you go to sleep he climbs out and talks to me about blood.”

“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

“I watched a kid kill himself at school. Gunshot to the head. He painted the wall behind him with his brains.”

“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”