Lorenzo Jensen III

“While I’m driving I think about just taking a hard right off the side of the road and wonder if I would survive.”

“My dad has a giant penis. Tired of living in your shadow, dad!”

“My dad was a pretty violent pedophile, and also extremely charming, and was a certified genius.”

“From what I was told, he was a nice guy.”

“At six years old he burned down the family home on purpose to kill his father for not getting him a Star Wars toy.”

“I’ve worked for 6 years as a retail cashier; at this point the cash register has more of a soul than I do.”

“I may not be a weatherman but you’re gonna get more than a few inches tonight.”

Ladies, you need to print out this list and tape it to your headboard.

8. Shaved-and-Sharpied eyebrows.

12. Sandals with socks.

1.
Smell amazing.

1. He tried to force me to wear a red wig.

Found on AskReddit. 1. Genitalia that never bleeds…unless you want it to…if that’s your thing. 2. Public bathrooms with no lines. 3. The feeling when you climb into freshly washed sheets after just shaving your legs..

19. Anything Kardashian.

“Kill yourself” suddenly seems to have become the go-to insult of choice across the vast murky digital swamps of the World Wide Web.

1. She smelled exactly like a foot.

Brandy—if you meet her, she’s either a redneck or was raised by rednecks. I live in a small town in Texas, 3000 people maybe, and I know at least 10 Brandys.

1.
Talking about exes too much!