Lorenzo Jensen III

1. Initiate sex. Even once.

Found on AskReddit. 1. Put lobsters in the toilets. Put lobsters in the toilets. 2. Betrayed my best friend to get in with the popular girls.

Found on AskReddit. 1. The Serious Victim. Serious victim complex. “I’m just sooo nice but everyone else is mean to me for no reason.

Found on AskReddit. 1. Tissues beneath the bed. The humongous pile of tissues underneath his bed. 2. Jizz on the keyboard. Jizz on the computer keyboard. 3. I walked in on him while he was roughing up the suspect.

Found on AskReddit. 1. Shoulders. Shoulders, please. 2. Jawlines. Jawlines. 3. A strong back. I know a lot of “Strong Back” women. 4. Full lips.

3. The way they incessantly touch their testicles.

“Out came tumbling a half-dozen bodies, all with no hands, some without heads.”

“Yes. It’s how I found my current wife.”

HE HAD HAIR ALL THE WAY TO THE TIP.

“Your mom is so ugly, she went into a haunted house and left with a job application.”

Come join us at the intersection where race, gender, and Starbucks collide.

“I used to think that babies were made when two naked people kissed.”

“Spiders everywhere, regular objects turning into cameras, random objects getting wavy, bottled waters breathing, People in the windows, shadows moving. Horrible short nightmares…”

“You know that feeling like you’re going over a hill and you get that swoosh feeling in your stomach? It’s like that, but in my pants.”

She’d make a face that looked like Elvis eating peanut butter.

“Nice boobs. they won’t be a liability when you get older.” 

5. Don’t be a pain in my ass.

“I can’t really process this in any other way than a real, true ghost story. I still get goose bumps.”