Lorenzo Jensen III

“I would die laughing and you would die trying.”

“5th grade classroom. I sat in the back and just abused my Vienna until it was a Tic Tac.”

1. A male coworker walked us to our parking garage to protect us from a serial killer…who happened to be him.

1. Touch your hair, bite your lips, and blush.

Wash behind your ears. It prevents the “old person smell.”

Maybe it’s a good thing they stopped after all.

“If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter.” —George Carlin

17. Her anus is scarred from an erotic shampoo-bottle accident.

“I turned my head to see a naked redhead girl about 25 emerge from the tent and proceed to embark on a series of morning stretches.”

1. Napoleon Dynamite. Even right after it came out, when everyone was in love with it, I thought it sucked.

1. If you’re wearing Ed Hardy, I immediately pigeonhole you as a douchebag. I’m sorry if you’re not.

“She was shocked to see HUNDREDS of little flies tattooed on his ass.”

1. People should hit their kids.

“What really turns me off is bad breath. Had a boyfriend who was great in so many ways, but as it turned out he had halitosis and I had to call it off.”

“blue waffle” – dear God where is the eye bleach

1. “I love you.”

“She started punching herself in the face in the middle of the restaurant.”

2. It would be cool if it wagged when happy. That shit would be hilarious.