Lorenzo Jensen III

“My grandfather on his deathbed said, ‘they have no eyes’; still gives me chills.”

“It’s not a baby in there, it’s a monster and when you go to sleep he climbs out and talks to me about blood.”

“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

“I watched a kid kill himself at school. Gunshot to the head. He painted the wall behind him with his brains.”

“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”

“Falling for the line ‘you can be whatever you want to be.’”

“When she tilts her head down slightly while looking up at me.”

“‘I hope my breath doesn’t smell.”

“Don’t drop hints. I will not get your hints. Just fucking say something.”

“I made my college girlfriend scream so much from sex that a downstairs neighbor threatened to call the cops.”

“If your mother is that much of a lying scumbag piece of subhuman filth, then yes, it is very much okay to push that toxic bitch out of your life.”

“I had a dream that I killed myself and God showed me a bird’s-eye view of the effect my death had on my mom and dad.”

“Start like a fluttering butterfly. Finish like a bulldog eating a bowl of oatmeal.”

“All I know was that it tasted better than Brussels sprouts.”

“I once held hands in a circle with nine other guys while we both danced to and sang along with Shania Twain’s ‘I Feel Like a Woman.’”

“I said no, she kept going, it hurt.”

“Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, walking toward my door.”