Lorenzo Jensen III

“In a Port-A-Potty, at a shitty parking lot carnival.”

“One key difference: BOOBS.”

“Weirdest memory was a man who wanted to role-play him being a lesbian and me being his mother.”

21. I f*cked a Kermit the Frog stuffed animal.

“I cum so easily, I have to fake not cumming.”

“I know a few female strippers, and they’re amazed with what women try to get away with because they’re women.”

“People who think nothing is ever their fault.”

“You can be your normal dorky and weird self around her and she still likes you. That’s super cool.”

“She lets me watch cartoons, and she hates cartoons.”

“That I’m better at blowjobs than her.”

“That I’m not actually divorced.”

“Everyone who ever loved you was wrong.”

“I had a teacher who told me she slept with Jimi Hendrix. She said it was the best sex she ever had. What’s funny is she was the crabby old lady teacher.”

“once im done with you tonight youll wish youd die.”

“I can never just blend into the sea of white faces.”

“He would frequently bite his tongue and spit HIV-positive blood into their faces/mouths.”

“It’s hard to be mean when you’re stoned.” —Bill Lee

“I was 8 when a landlord in Germany put his hands down my pants while I was feeding a rabbit he gave me.”