Lorenzo Jensen III

“A music box was playing inside an abandoned lunatic asylum.”

“Suddenly I realize, there’s someone there. Right in front of me. Inches from my face.”

“I laughed him out of my vagina.”

“Awful, quick, and embarrassing. She was sweet, though, but she’s never getting back those three seconds of her life.”

“Family courts have pretty much decided that having a vagina automatically makes you a better, more capable parent.”

“If you’re ugly, then some men will automatically dislike you. If you’re attractive, then some women will automatically dislike you.”

“Woke up to the gunshot of my mother being killed by my father.”

“He would not shut up about how awesome he thought he was.”

“They can’t go bald.”

“After they X-rayed the body, they found a tube of lipstick in her brain. Cause of death was putting on makeup while driving.”

“Waking up all sleepy-looking, hair a mess. It’s so…pure.”

“When they yawn and stretch or reach for something high up and their shirts come up a little bit and you can see their stomachs and their happy trail.”

Q: So, masturbation—can you explain what that is like with two vaginas?
A: Not much different. I just get to choose which vagina.

“I have to ask: How do you get hard if your client is unattractive? And how do you keep going if your client is very attractive?”

“I found my boss. It was bad. Really hard to look at her the next day. Made me feel reaaaaal weird.”

“He could see nothing but the reflection of the bubbles from the hose and the dark, lifeless eye of the Great White behind it.”

“A witness was watching from across the river through his telescope (probably creeping on her) when, out of the woods behind her, a man walked up, grabbed her by the hair, and dragged her back to the woods.”

“When they throw you or someone else under the bus to try and get laid.”