24 Men Explain How They Escaped An Abusive Relationship
1. I left when I woke up with her hands around my throat.
“I left when I woke up with her hands around my throat. She was suicidal and bipolar, I wanted to help her through her issues. It wasn’t until I realized that I facing the reality that I could be killed that I left. I never hit back and rarely defended myself. It’s been over a year now and to this day I have trouble even talking to a woman much less want to date one. I still blame myself for not being able to help her the way that she needed it.
When I left, I called the police to escort me out, and thank God I didn’t restrain her or block, the cop said if she had any marks I would have gone to jail. I called so that I could leave without any more trouble and almost got arrested for it. What’s worse is that when I explained the situation to the officer, he responded with ‘did you do something to deserve it?’ No one under any circumstance deserves abuse, no matter who is the victim. There is a real stigma against male victims of domestic abuse.”
2. I left my abusive ex the day I hit back.
“I left my abusive ex the day I hit back. She tried to have me arrested, the cops saw I was more tore up than she. Plus all the nasty texts she sent me did her no favors in court.”
3. The worst thing she did was rape me.
“It was my first relationship this was almost a year ago. She was very needy and would get upset and cry if I didn’t go to her house EVERY night after work. She would also hit and bite me because it was ‘funny’ I tried to tell her multiple times that it wasn’t funny and that it hurt but she would just keep doing it. The worst thing she did was rape me. We were both laying there naked and she asked if she could ride me I didn’t have a condom and we were 17 I don’t want any chance for a kid but I said it’s OK to grind. She asked me multiple more times each time I said no. She then grabbed my dick and sits on it and starts bouncing. She’s way bigger than me so I couldn’t throw her off. I yell at her to get off and she says just a little longer. At that point, I wanted to kill her. I told her to get off of me and she did. At first I didn’t think much about it but then it really dawned on me. After that I refused sex all together and broke up with her 2 months later. Fuck you Hannah.”
4. We got into an argument. She punched me in the face.
“We got into an argument. She punched me in the face. I left the house, went to my office where I work at and figured out how the fuck I’m getting out of the apartment. Finally moved in with some friends.”
5. I left the day I wanted to hit her back.
“I left the day I wanted to hit her back. Of course, she denies that it was abuse, ‘what are you some kinda pussy, a little girl hitting makes you scared?’ Nope, the thought of all the bullshit I would go through if I level you scares me.”
6. She would grab a glass, a plate, an iron—and throw it at me full force.
“People generally have this misconception when they think of woman-on-man spouse abuse. They imagine a woman overpowering a weak, cowardly man and smirk at the idea. The truth is most of the time the woman has a weapon of some kind, or is an emotional abuser.
In my experience, my partner wouldn’t walk up to me and try hit me, she would grab a glass, a plate, an iron—and throw it at me full force. Pinching was another thing, as were insults—putting me down in front of company, belittling me further if I privately expressed how annoyed or upset I was at her doing such things.
‘Why are you behaving like this? Why did you say that about me to them?’
‘Haha, oh babe I’m only joking don’t be so weak…’
Gaslighting I believe it’s called?
Lads, or women too for that matter: If your partner belittles you in front of their friends, or your friends, take that as a major red flag. Another thing is ‘testing’ you. For example, I went out with her and her friends, she casually tells me she slept with one of her guy friends shortly before we got together—then later on says she didn’t really but ‘wanted to see how I’d react.’ It’s total manipulation and it left me feeling confused and on edge, as time went on those negative emotions were all I ended up associating her with.
For the record, I’m 6’2” and 190 lbs., she was 5’6” and average build. It was never a fear of her overpowering me, but when you have someone hurling objects at you and screaming so loud your ears are ringing—it’s definitely abuse and it is incredibly distressing.”
7. I would barricade myself in the bedroom and prop the clothing hamper against the door so when she came in to stab me in my sleep I would hear it.
“The thing about a S.O. is they really know what makes you tick; I mean that like a time bomb. My ex really knew how to push my buttons and get me upset, then make it seem like I’m such a bad person because of it. She would always talk about how great her ex was and how she “missed him so much, but don’t worry because he’s not around anymore. Oh, and there’s this new guy at work, he’s young and so very handsome. He likes to brush up against me when we walk by each other (kitchen line/tight space/etc.), but it’s ok he already has a GF. My cousin’s husband got her ‘a really expensive purse and is taking her on vacation. Too bad you’re poor. Maybe you should get a second job, even though you already pay for EVERYTHING.’
Things got worse and worse over the years (almost 10). I was stuck in a prison, in my own home. I wasn’t allowed to have any friends, because she doesn’t trust them and I only needed her, even though she had friends and would go out all the time. She put a mirror program on my phone so she could read all the texts and see who calls me, then grill me about it. I had to come home straight from work, and if I’m a few minutes late I’d get the 3rd degree. She was narcissistic with very low self-esteem, borderline bipolar and paranoid (at least I assume all this).
Towards the end there were some fights when I would barricade myself in the bedroom and prop the clothing hamper against the door so when she came in to stab me in my sleep I would hear it. If I tried to leave the house to cool down she would steal my keys from me (there’s no fucking way I’d fight back) and I’d be locked outside for hours, even in the dead of winter. I had all my money paying all of our bills so I was literally broke with nowhere to go, so every time I would go back. She had all the power over me and she loved it. At the end, she had called the cops on me and I was sitting in the back of a cruiser wondering what my life had become. They let me go ‘as long as I’m a good boy’ so they wouldn’t have to come back and take me to jail. As the cops left, she turned to me and said, ‘You know why I did that to you? To teach you a lesson.’
It’s been over a year now since I left. I occasionally wonder how it could’ve started out so perfect, then descend into the depths of hell. Sometimes you never really know someone, even the one you love most of all.”
8. She was amazing. Smart. Funny. Charming. But every now and then there would just be this onslaught of abuse.
“We hit it off immediately really well. Too well. She actually wanted me to move to be with her after a couple weeks. Talk of being soulmates as we really clicked. Yeah, major red flag but I wanted to believe the fairy tale I’d found the one…
She was amazing. Smart. Funny. Charming. But every now and then there would just be this onslaught of abuse. Nasty and hurtful and I’d just sit there thinking, ‘Where the fuck did this come from?’ I wanted to be there for her and not abandon or hurt her like the other guys in her life (from what she told me). And when those moments passed, she was wonderful.
Then I got to thinking that the abusive moments were increasing. From maybe 5% of the time to 10% and it occurred to me this is just going to continue ramping up. It got to the point where I was afraid of what she might do during her rampages. I’m a big guy but seriously started to fear for my safety.
Started looking up on the Internet to figure her out. Once I came across Borderline Personality Disorder, my mind was blown. It was like literally reading the playbook to her mind. Tried to break up with her. Didn’t work. She’d still get back into my life. No contact would just have her out for revenge. A good way to break up with somebody abusive is something called the grey rock technique. It’s basically make yourself seem as uninteresting and boring as possible. Do not engage in arguments, do not give the person any emotional fuel, and fade into the background. He/she does not like boredom, loses interest and moves on. This worked.
Lessons Learned:
True deep relationships take time to build and are very slow.
Watch out for people who are always the victim.
If you’re looking up your gf/bf’s behavior on the internet, you probably need to get out.
Have strong personal boundaries. Never be afraid to say no or to leave.
And finally, there was a problem with me, too. It takes two people for an abusive relationship to happen. Usually the abused is codependen,t meaning they have a lack of self-love and are so desperate to be loved they’ll put up with anything. If you find yourself in abusive relationships repeatedly, the problem isn’t only with the people you date, there’s a problem with you as well. Strong personal boundaries, healthy self-esteem—these are what keep abusers away.”
9. She fucked up and texted me a threat that she would basically kill me…I told her I didn’t feel safe and wanted her gone.
“We dated for 3 1/2 years before finally moving in together—I don’t want to say everything was fine before that point because it wasn’t, but I suppose when you only see a person once or twice a week [we lived about an hour apart] the ‘little things’ seem to fall away in the time you’re not together—the temper tantrums and manipulations are sort of forgotten when you have many good days in between them. I recall one story from before we moved in, we were showering together, not necessarily being ‘sexy’ as we had been together a long time, we were just talking. I had said something she disagreed with, I honestly think it had to do with lathering my head with shampoo, she couldn’t stand that I didn’t make ‘enough bubbles’ so clearly I was doing it wrong—So she stormed out of the shower and slammed her bedroom door, I finished my shower slowly, took my time drying off and went to sit on the couch and read reddit while I waited for it to blow over—She went back into the bathroom and fucking exploded with rage because I had tracked water all over the floor…remember, she stormed out of the room wet, I took my sweet ass time…It was all her water but somehow all my fault.
Anyway, when we moved, the day before signing the lease she lost her job. We signed the lease anyway as she needed to be out of her apartment and a new roommate was already lined up for my apartment, she assured me she could get a new job and I was fine with it.
The first time she hit me was about a week after we moved in together. She went to the beach with her family for a long weekend and was upset with me because I couldn’t go even though I had planned to—the thing was we made these plans before she lost her job and this weekend happened to be one with many events so it was a lot of extra money for me, we really needed it…I honestly worked almost the whole weekend straight, only going home to sleep. Sunday night after work I went to a friend’s house to hang out and by the time I got home she had also gotten home and was furious the house was a mess—Everything was a mess and it was all my fault and I couldn’t go to bed [it was past midnight] until I helped her clean it…Again just like before almost everything was shit she had done before leaving for the weekend and just expected me to take care of, knowing I wasn’t home at all…At one point during arguing she shoved me into a wall—she said she felt threatened which is funny because as a Martial Arts instructor I am very calm and passive, I don’t believe in violence at all and do my best to always appear non threatening…
Another time I picked up the wrong milk and offered to return it and get a new one, she said that was embarrassing [returning milk] which shouldn’t have been a problem as I was the one doing it. After an hour of arguing I left the house to go for a walk, so she threw an apple at me and nearly pushed me down the stairs—When I told her I would call the cops she told me if I ever called them I would leave in handcuffs; I never felt more helpless in my life.
But physical wasn’t her specialty, every day was an emotional rollercoaster:
Every day she would wake up around 11am and text me to tell me how tired she was, by 1 she was taking a nap. I’d get home at 9pm every night to a full sink of dishes that weren’t there the night before and I would do the whole thing, cause ‘she didn’t do dishes,’ before making us both dinner—She’d spend the entire time playing LoL online with her gaming friends.
In terms of job she eventually got a semi part time job but never attempted to get full time. She would send out maybe 1 resume every few weeks and talk herself up about how brave and strong she was and blah blah blah. She did manage to get a full-time job at one point, it lasted 3 days before she said it was ‘too easy and not creative enough,’ so she quit. . . The entire time we lived together I paid 100% of the rent, knowing that I couldn’t afford it on my salary alone [we planned to split 50/50 originally before the job thing]…Any money she had went to her own shit.
If we ever went to her parents for a party it would be after I worked 12+ hours and would be expected back at work the next day. She would promise we would leave by a decent hour but we’d always be there until 2am or later, with an hour drive back home—It would make the next day of work like a living hell. If I fell asleep on her parents downstairs couch she would always be down there to wake my ass back up, calling me grumpy and angry. She’d make it known when we were leaving that it was my fault and that I was being grumpy.’ Uh no—It’s just 2am and I’m damn near tired and the party is over and I just want to sleep.
She was about $120,000 in debt from school and credit cards. She would go out though and buy video games and if I complained that she was wasting money it didn’t fucking matter because it was her money.
We’d go out with her parents and she couldn’t help but tell everyone how much of a slob I was and how lazy I was. Never mind I was working 12-14 hour days 6 days a week and was a very clean person. I did both of our laundry and almost all of the cleaning that ever happened in our time living together—But I was the slob who left hair all over the bathroom and peed all over the toilet seat [which is actually funny because I prefer to pee sitting down and always wipe the seat if anything splashed].
She would complain that we never spent time together if I was on the computer, but if I ever asked if she wanted to do something it was always ‘nope I’m playing LoL with friends.’ She tried to institute a no technology night once, it didn’t go very well…ya know because she was the technology addict who wasn’t willing to step away.
If I tried to go out with friends she made me feel like shit for not spending time with her and for leaving her and going out—I’d either have to bargain time ‘Eh I’ll go out tonight and spend tomorrow with you’ but I’d still get really shitty texts all throughout the night…The thing was if I caved and did spend time at home with her…We’d watch maybe 1 episode of TV and then she’d go play LoL with her friends leaving me alone.
I left her 8 months into living together but we were both on the lease so I couldn’t kick her out, even though I paid 100% of our bills I moved out of the bedroom into the living room. Thankfully around the year mark [2-year lease] she fucked up and texted me a threat that she would basically kill me…I told her I didn’t feel safe and wanted her gone.”
10. For me, realizing I was worth more than I thought was the key.
“I was in a relationship that was abusive. She’d hit, but I am a big dude who worked and hung out with big rough dudes so that didn’t bother me.
She’d cheat and say it was none of my business. We’d patch it up and she’d insist she should be able to hang out with the guys she cheated on me with, they were her friends after all. When she’d do it again it would be painfully obvious, but she’d go in gas-lighting mode and I’d think I was going crazy.
We broke up again and found out she was pregnant. I had to decide what kind of life I wanted my kid to have, I knew I was in a sick spot and that was my choice/self-doubt but the kid was coming into a bad spot without choice or fault. We decided to put the kid up for adoption when I said I wasn’t coming back. A couple weeks before the birth, she decided she couldn’t be without her child. I am not going to say this was about me or our relationship, the bond with a child is not to be taken lightly.
The baby was born and she would only let the kid stay with me if she stayed over, which worked until it didn’t. Eventually she went back to college out of town and the baby was with me full time. Even then, things were tense. She’d come back from college for the first time in a couple months and declare that the baby wasn’t safe and was coming with her the night before Father’s Day, she had my mom convinced I was a negligent father when she was living a hundred miles away and my daughter didn’t recognize her.
There was more drama when she moved back from college, but we kept it away from the kid as best we could. I do have to admit she did well in that regard.
She moved back and started being a bigger part of our kids’ life when our daughter was around five. It has been eight years since then and we have both grown a whole lot. I am married with three wonderful kids with my wife, she lives two streets down and our daughter spends about half time with each household now. Every now and then, some crazy pops up still, but we agreed on a third party we could talk to in order to arbitrate such things.
For me, realizing I was worth more than I thought was the key. Everything worked out amazingly well in the end. Our daughter’s teachers always comment on how amazingly stable her life seems in relation to other kids from separated families. Her mom goes out of her way to do exciting things with her and facilitate activities for her. I am actually able to say I am genuinely proud of how everything turned out, and proud of her mom for turning herself around. There are still times where I feel a little bitter, there are a lot of parts of the deal I had to learn to be okay with no resolution. It is really weird at times being in a spot where I am so closely tied to someone I used to hate so bitterly.
If you are asking this because you think you may be in an abusive relationship, I am not going to say you probably are or are not, don’t know enough about the situation. I will say that if you feel that way you are not in a healthy relationship, though. You need to decide what to do and what you want and deserve. Lean on people, complete strangers will surprise you and be willing to help, family and friends are closer than you suspect. We tend to isolate ourselves in unhealthy/abusive relationships and think we are alone, you are not.”
11. She hurt my feelings and shit on my self-esteem and I was just miserable.
“Left her honestly after it was about the 6th time we were in a fight. She was more manipulative and controlling and just abusive to me when she didn’t get her way. She called it ‘being blunt’ and she did it because she ‘loved’ me. Being blunt doesn’t equal love. How the fuck old are you? Woman please, she hurt my feelings and shit on my self-esteem and I was just miserable. And it was showing to everyone even to my old man. When I dumped her, I felt nothing but fucking amazing feelings of freedom. And I’m still happy, but man I will admit the sex was great.”
12. I was smart enough to videotape her beating me, ripping my clothes off, biting me, and told her I would be sending them to her family and friends if she ever contacted me again.
“I was told she was batshit crazy when we met—her old friends told me that she would wait outside of her ex’s house and cry, or post his personal things onto Facebook. I asked her and she told me that it was a lie and her ex had been physically abusive to her. At first things were OK, I dismissed a lot of her weird mannerisms to her trauma from her previous relationship. Then things got worse…losing it at me for not replying for 1-2 hours, yelling at me in front of my family and friends for looking/talking to a female friend. I just kept telling myself it was because of her passed. Oh man, I really tried to help her… I helped her get into counseling, I even started a whole charitable foundation that helps those facing domestic abuse for her. It just kept getting worse and worse to the point where she would be cussing me out in-front of my family weekly, and one night she drunkenly hit me… I was drunk too and had to hold her to make her stop, which made me feel bad because I firmly believe a man shouldn’t ever be physical with a girl. I don’t know why I kept forgiving her even though she would do this regularly and would wait outside my house, and refuse to leave when inside. A few times I had to call her dad to come get her. She always blamed it on alcohol, her previous abuse, or said I would forgive her once ‘she made me feel good’—I ended it after that, but we saw each other a few times after. The last straw was when she met me for dinner (we had already broken up) already drunk and started yelling at me. When I tried to leave after paying the tab, she chased me outside—clinging onto the outside of my pickup truck while I tried to drive. As soon as I stopped she got in and almost made me crash 3-4 times. The only reason she left me alone was because that night I was smart enough to videotape her beating me, ripping my clothes off, biting me, and told her I would be sending them to her family and friends if she ever contacted me again. I’m not the best man—but no one deserves to be treated like that… I still run the charity for domestic abuse. Stay Strong Folks!”
13. I screwed all of the doors and windows shut from the inside, did a sweep of the whole house to make sure I was alone, and she STILL got inside again.
“I have two from my long and varied love life.
Crazy ex stalked me, she was so obsessed that she skipped court-ordered supervised visits with her child from a previous relationship just to double back and check up on me, which was a big factor in her permanently losing all of her parental rights to that child.
The main event at the end dragged on. For weeks she disrupted my sleep, showing up at all hours crying and banging on my door. Then she started breaking in as I slept, but running off into the night before the sheriff could arrive.
Finally one night I was nearly insane from sleep deprivation and head games/gaslighting. I screwed all of the doors and windows shut from the inside, did a sweep of the whole house to make sure I was alone, and she STILL got inside again and wrote crazy shit on one of the walls in permanent magic marker from ceiling to floor and was chilling on the couch when I awoke late the next morning.
Not long after that, she showed up and made a loud scene and broke a window and my doorframe trying to get into the house as I held the splintering door closed. Even though all of the neighbors spilled out of their houses and witnessed the whole thing with half a dozen 911 calls, she STILL got away again before the police arrived.
Finally there were witnesses and tangible damage, and I was able to get the police and DA to take me seriously (male victim of domestic violence) and get an emergency protective order. Finally the police dispatch ladies treated my calls with a modicum of respect instead of ‘If she’s not there anymore there’s nothing we can do kthxbye! ’
This woman was so crazy determined to keep bothering me that she showed up in court to contest the restraining order KNOWING she had warrants for her arrest. The judge listened to both of us, granted me the order for the maximum three years, then two deputies appeared behind her and led her out of court in handcuffs. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from her.
It was some time before I finally slept soundly the whole night.
She was a great girlfriend for almost a year. Then her junkie sister died and sent her into a spiral of misplaced guilt and suddenly unsuppressed molestation memory.
On a camping trip, she found a Christmas card in my glovebox addressed to me and my ex, dated two months after we started dating, from someone I hadn’t talked to since the year before. Said nothing, we had what seemed a nice trip together, snuggled up for a nap in her bed when we got home, and said our goodbyes for the day. She became CONVINCED that I was cheating. I think she started taking Meth with her nephew who stayed with her for a month around the funeral given the level of crazy paranoia to follow.
Started accusing me of all kinds of things, and shook out a gunny sack of complaints, perceived slights, and imagined problems I’d allegedly committed throughout our relationship. I ignored her, resulting in 3 days of 75-to-1 ratio of crazy communication from her vs calm from me.
Finally, she showed up at my shop around midnight to collect a watch she had gifted me (and wore once.) She was nice at first, trying to apologize and reconcile. I simply placed the watch into her hands, let it fall to her feet when she refused to take it, politely told her good night, and closed the door.
Cue the Sharknado! She started screaming and ugly crying, that she wanted me to watch her kill herself, as she stuffed handfuls of huge diabetes pills to her mouth, with most (all) of them sprinkling to the ground. When I continued to ignore her, she started breaking my collection of plants potted in expensive ceramic pots. The 911 operator could hear the crashes through two walls and closed doors.
When she started targeting customer’s cars and the glass front door, I put the phone down and moved to stop her before she damaged expensive things she REALLY couldn’t afford. Martial Arts training paid off, I locked her in an arm bar and led her toward the street, where she crumpled to the ground breathlessly screaming that I raped and molested her just like her Father did. I held her in an arm bar till the police arrived and took custody of her.
A second unit arrived, and that officer put handcuffs on me and started leading me to his car over my request he view the carnage she caused over by the door. One of the cops leading her to the first car spoke a number to him, at which point my cop visibly deflated and said, ‘Oh, you’re the victim.’ and removed the cuffs. (Damn you, Duluth Model!) When the Cops and I finally walked back to the scene and they saw the carnage exactly as described- dirt, broken plants and pottery, and huge white diabetes pills sprinkled everywhere, each of them let out a long, Daaaaaamn!
She ended up on a psychiatric hold, and a few days jail time. She sent me a few nasty emails trying to turn the entire incident around on me, and how she was the victim. I told her to stop contacting me because she had committed domestic violence against me; she scoffed that this was impossible because I was the man and she was the woman.
The judge didn’t agree apparently; without having to set foot in court he convicted her on 2 counts, placed her on 3 years’ probation with mandatory psychiatric counseling, applied the 3-year maximum protective/no contact order, and ordered her to pay restitution.
At the Victim Impact hearing the judge granted my full requested amount, which will take almost 3 years of monthly payments on her income. The kicker- who accompanied her to court that day? Her Father.”
14. I had a girlfriend that would punch the wall next to my head.
“I had a girlfriend that would punch the wall next to my head. Also, would push me down during arguments. She also would constantly accuse me of cheating on her.
I actually cheated on her once. She did her usually accusation, and I calmly, without joy, admitted I did the night before. She trashed my apartment, but didn’t hurt me. We worked together, so I had to see her every day. She would glare at me, but didn’t say anything. Occasionally, when she was drunk, she would text me with huge compliments about our former sex life, and ask to come over. I never gave in.
I had no self-esteem back then, and drank every day. I quit drinking, got married, and just had my second kid. Life isn’t perfect today, but it is a hell of a lot better than it used to be.
I hope you got help, M_____.”
15. It’s very easy to say ‘Bro, just dump her.’ But it’s not that easy when she’s constantly implying that she will kill herself if the relationship ends.
“Recently left one (or am at least trying to…she won’t go away quietly). It wasn’t physically abusive. Nor was she ever maliciously mentally abusive (like she didn’t belittle me). It was a different type of abuse I can’t readily explain. She was very controlling and manipulative. She would lie and dramatize to make herself a victim in virtually any situation. She would threaten to kill herself if I left. She would tell me ‘I miss you,’ I would reply ‘I miss you, too,’ and she’d get mad that my response wasn’t romantic enough and tell me what to say. She would continue buying me gifts even after I asked her numerous times to stop to the point where they didn’t feel like romantic gestures; they felt like things to hold over my head. She would guilt-trip me into hanging out; once she told me that she was so sick that the doctors told her not to be alone…that was supposed to be the first night to myself in almost a month. She tried to move into the house I had just bought (bought before I met her) and got incredibly angry when I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that. She also got angry when I asked her not to have her weed dealer at the house or when I asked her not to smoke in my car. The final straw for me—when I finally realized I needed out—was when she had woke up the morning after my housewarming party crying her eyes out. Why? Because the night before I had taken a shot with a circle of friends when she’d told me not to, because one of the people in the circle was a girl who I had met on Tinder 4 years before (but had never actually hooked up with or even gone on in a date with, in fact I didn’t/don’t even have her number…She came with a mutual friend). This happened despite her SPENDING THE EVENING at her ex-husband’s house regularly to see her dog even though in the same breath she will tell me she never speaks to her ex-husband.
It’s very easy to say ‘Bro, just dump her.’ But it’s not that easy when she’s constantly implying that she will kill herself if the relationship ends and already has a substance abuse issue (I have caught her on multiple occasions doing cocaine in my bathroom).
I finally left her yesterday. I was nothing but nice to her. I have told her that she is amazing but at this point I just want to be on my own. She has not gone away quietly. It is still in progress. She is blowing up my phone telling me how horrible of a person I am. A part of me is genuinely afraid of what she might do to me or herself, another part of me doesn’t care and can’t wait for her to just leave me alone. Unfortunately, she left tons of stuff at my house. She is coming to get it tomorrow and insisted she come get it instead of me bringing it to her. I am nervous about what’s going to happen because I truly believe she is unstable (seriously…I’m like a solid 6.5 out of 10…no logical reason to be as obsessed with me as she is). We will see. When she does leave my house tomorrow, with her stuff, I Wi breathe a major sigh of relief.
TL; DR. Left girl yesterday who was not physically abusive but incredibly manipulative and vindictive. Currently nervous about what’s going to happen.”
16. I forgot to pick up milk from the store across the street, and she threw a frame of us at me and the glass broke and I had a scar on my foot.
“My previous relationship, before my (one day) bride, I was in a LTR with an abusive girl.
She was raised in an abusive household. Where her father often got drunk and beat the mom, quite often. He was still abusive when I went to see them, the guy didn’t hide it from anyone.
She was raised with the thought that when you do something incorrect, there will be repercussions.
Anyway, we moved in together rather quickly. She was hard to live with from the onset. My family liked her, but distrusted her. My friends met her once, and she got drunk, and my friends never wanted to see her again.
She was not an alcoholic per se, but she drank when problems arose.
The first event where our relationship went from declining to toxic happened in the first 6 months together. I forgot to pick up milk from the store across the street, and she threw a frame of us at me and the glass broke and I had a scar on my foot.
That was also the first time I made an excuse to my family so their impression of her does not get worse.
After then, it opened her door to hit me, punch me, throw glasses at me, throw a hammer at me, throw a leveler at me. Broke my dresser by throwing it down. Broke my phone, broke her phone that I bought her.
After a 3-year relationship, I left telling her that I’m calling it quits.
Ever since then, I have doing much better. I’m in a relationship that I can say that I am 120% happy. But I feel like sometimes I’m so afraid of doing something bad, even though she is so accepting of me and is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
17. She called the police on me and ended up being the one in trouble after my story was confirmed by half-healed bruises all over me.
“TL;DR of the relationship so we can get to the part you actually want to hear: We dated, we fought all the time, she would regularly slap and hit me, I always said don’t do that.
Eventually she got drunk and punched me in the face hard enough to break my nose. After about a year and a half of dealing with that shit I lost it, I punched her back that time.
I only hit her the one time, as soon as I did I freaked out like oh shit I’m going to jail. I got her in the side of the head pretty much right on her ear. She ended up with (as far as I know) temporary damage to her inner ear, she lost a lot of hearing in that ear and had trouble balancing for a while. Again, temporarily.
So she called the police on me and ended up being the one in trouble after my story was confirmed by half-healed bruises all over me where she would throw things or hit me, and she didn’t have a scratch besides the ear thing to back up her fake story that I hit her all the time and she hit me in the face in self-defense after I punched her.
I didn’t press charges, and we went our separate ways.”
18. The whole thing was a roller coaster ride and coworkers could see I was being abused.
“I met here in my training class for a new position at my job and she happened to be from another department. Essential a new department opened up and people needed to train for it, we were selected. She was really cute, short, fat butt and a big chest and she seemed to like the same hobbies as I do, but that changed.
She had three kids which was a warning sign I suppose but she seemed mature enough that I figured she was a responsible parent. The relationship honestly was going good until she started to get possessive in a really bad way, controlling and just really unpleasant to be around. When this department opened up, one of my supervisors’ switch to this new department to help manage the team, keep in mind I had known this supervisor for three years prior to me meeting my new partner. We had never been romantic, never kissed, held hands etc. etc. If I talked to this supervisor, even to relay information pertaining to my position I would get in trouble. If it was a work-related topic my SO would huff and puff.
I am an active longboarder and had a really nice hill in a local canyon that I liked to skate. I would be on this hill maybe two hours a day several times a week and so on. One day a nearby jogger (female) cam up to talk to me, nothing flirtatious or malicious because my SO was with me. It was a light-hearted conversation about having seen each other in the canyon before. She commented on my rad skating and continued on her jog never to be seen again.
My SO exploded when she left, stating I had been flirting, I probably asked her for her number, that I’m a pig blah blah blah. I tried to tell her I am committed to her and that She was less than five feet away and if She had given me her number there was no way she would have seen it. But for some reason logic didn’t help here. I ended up apologizing for being a good skater, I guess? And attracting the attention of a random stranger? This got so bad that I tried to break up with her but she told me she was pregnant. Shit. It was a real possibility because we had sex a lot. Me being the individual I am, I don’t just want to walk out. I stay, try to make it work. Her possessive tendencies became unbearable and I told her I want to be in the child’s life but I can’t make things work. The next two months? Were hell. First, she is pregnant. She tells me I stressed her out and she lost it. She is crying, sobbing. Then she tells me that wait, she had twins and lost one but still has the other. I am still a dad. BUT WAIT. She tries to abort that to make me happy, because we can’t work as a couple. BUT WAIT. The abortion pill didn’t work. I’m still a dad. BUT WAIT. She lost it and I am no longer a Dad. She lost it not because she took some abortion pill, but the stress I caused her for not being with her. This was all over the course of two months, and the worst part is she would show up to work and not work. She would come to work and sit in the hallway with security guards and talk about me, and what a bad person I am. The shitty thing is like I mention she had three kids, wouldn’t clock in to provide for her kids just walk into the building to annoy me, sometimes hang out outside of my car. At the very end of it all, she admitted to never even being pregnant. she even had friends mad at her for lying to me because they were on her side, threatening me etc. then she ended up telling them she was never pregnant and I got apologies from them as well. The whole thing was a roller coaster ride and coworkers could see I was being abused. I had a lot of people telling me she was crazy and they felt bad.
But dang, I miss the way she bounced on my diddler. I hear she is pregnant again through someone else.”
19. There were a few times when we would get into fights outside that she would try and jump into a busy street in the middle of the argument.
“So, I met Anne (fake name) my second year in college. I had just transferred, was definitely out of my element culturally, and was looking to get into dating. We met on a dating website, and when we finally got together it was pretty much love at first sight. We clicked instantly; we liked the same shows and movies, had a similar sense of humor, and just got along really well. I went from meeting her to hanging out with her on a daily basis, and for the semester pretty much stayed over at her place every night. Those first few months were amazing, from the TV marathons to the sex to the breakfasts, and I was dumbstruck.
There were warning signs. Anne didn’t have many friends; none of the friends she had made the year prior at school spoke with her anymore, and even people she was allegedly very close with were barely ever around. Anne was very jealous of my friends who were women, even ones that I had known for many many years and had absolutely zero interest in dating. She was adamant about spending time with me, and I was more than happy to oblige. She bragged to me that she, ‘never, ever broke up with anyone,’ even ex-boyfriends who she described as abusive and violent to her. Then, the anger started to come out. I don’t remember what was the first time that she lost her temper around me, but I remember being terrified. Anyone who has been in relationships like this can tell you that there is a difference between the kind of anger that is common and normal for people to have, and the kind of unmitigated, visceral fury that can be unleashed in virtually any conceivable circumstance. The latter is the kind of anger that makes your hair stand on end, that makes the animal in you start thinking whether to run or stay, where you become scared for your safety. It is unpredictable, like a summer storm that develops over your home and then blows away after ten minutes of hail and wind, leaving a clear blue sky in its wake.
Needless to say, I ended up being with her for almost four years.
I tried breaking up with her a few times, and the first time I did was when I knew there was something deeply wrong. I went to her apartment afterwards to console her (consoling her on my attempt to break up with her) and found that she had trashed her apartment in rage. I eventually relented. This happened a few more times. One time, the longest, I started seeing another woman at our school. Anne stalked her across campus, sent her threatening letters, and then blackmailed me into getting back together with her after getting me drunk and fucking me. This was when the worst of it really began. Our fights became regular occurrences, and in fact would become productions that would end up sucking in all of our friends too. There were a few times, usually when I tried to break up with her, that she would end up checking herself into a psych ward. One time, while I was home for the summer on a “break” of ours, I woke up to five voice mails, all at the maximum length, that she left for me from the hospital’s day room. She would show me fresh cuts from self-injury, sometimes going the extra step to directly blame me for them, rather than letting insinuation speak for itself. Sometimes, when we would fight, she would just vanish, usually after leaving me a voicemail saying vague things like, ‘make sure my parents take care of my cat when I’m gone.’ There were a few times when we would get into fights outside that she would try and jump into a busy street in the middle of the argument. I would need to physically restrain her, which would then provoke her to yell and holler about how I was abusing her. I never feared for my life, exactly, but in retrospect I wonder if there were times where Anne was close to snapping and assaulting me.
So, as far as fights go, here is an example. She would go back home on weekends often to work and help out with her (elderly) parents. One time, I got together with some friends of ours, with the assumption that when she got back into town she would meet up with us. Anne tried to slit her wrists, because according to her, we ‘snuck around’ her and I was trying to dump her. She threatened to leave me if I took her to the hospital, I instead drove her to Wal-Mart so she could bandage/stitch herself up. I then dropped her off at her apartment, met back up with our friends, and I cried for about three hours. This was probably the most serious of the things that had happened, but there are so many incidents that I can’t even begin to list.
I developed a drinking problem to cope, but of course, this made things worse, because now when we fought, I more quickly than not went to anger, and she used the fact that I was drinking heavily as an excuse for her behavior. I threw myself into schoolwork, and real work on campus, to get away, but she would always end up finding me where I was studying, or getting a job in the same office as me. Most everybody loved her, thought she was funny and endearing in a weird, quirky way. Sometimes, on break from school, she would show up at my parent’s home to visit me, unannounced, eight hours away. Some of my friends saw what was going on, but no matter how many times they brought it up, I had given up leaving.
See, I eventually came to blame myself for everything. I was abusive, I was erratic, impulsive, mired in depression and anxiety and alcoholism and Anne was simply going crazy trying to deal with my bullshit. Her explosions of rage were always, according to her, because I was inconsiderate, demanding, and heartless. One time, I was raped while at a party (another story altogether) and while in shock still I told her and she accused me of cheating on her, and did the whole pattern of self-harm and drama for about a month. I always regarded it as me being a cheating asshole until, years later, I told someone about it and they told me that in no uncertain terms I was raped.
I did eventually leave her. We were approaching graduation—she found a job in the area and was planning on doing grad school nearby. I, not being from around there, was not sure what I was going to do. She started hinting very, very strongly that she wanted me to propose to her. I mentioned this to my best friends, two guys whom I had known since middle school and were at different colleges, while we were on spring break. I’ll never forget the looks on their faces, they were horrified. They told me not to do it, and to leave her, and basically gave me a rundown of everything that had observed between us: the days she’d drop contact while we were back home following a fight and her vague plans to ‘drive around the country for a while,’ the explosions of rage they had seen at times, the way that I had no agency of my own, basically. When I got back to school, I brought this up with some friends there, who all agreed.
How I left her was, I moved across the country to stay with some distant family for a little bit, didn’t tell her where, and broke up with her. I got phone calls for weeks, her social media exploded, I had people (mutual friends who, somehow, never picked up on what was going on) asking what was going on, I just did what I could to move on from it.
Now, I am married to someone who is wonderful and fabulous, but I still deal with the trauma. My wife sometimes gets angry, the kind of normal anger I had mentioned earlier, about things and it will put me into a total panic response. Sometimes I fall back into decade-plus old patterns—appeasement, shutting down, and so on—that are inappropriate but kept me safe for a few years, and it’s hard to break out of it. What’s the most painful thing for me is the toll it takes on my wife. There are times when, while in the midst of having a normal married-people argument, I will dial up the level of the argument several degrees beyond reason because there is still some part of me, deep down, that hasn’t gotten the message that I’m in a relationship where I am safe. I am mostly okay now.”
20. Physically, she’d just either pinch me until I bled, or toss me something that magically managed to hit me in the balls every time.
“We were married for 12 years. 2 kids, one with special needs. Things started well, but I was the proverbial frog in the pot. I’d be at work all day, and she and the kids would be at the zoo, or the mall, or the museum, the library, the park… I remember one time she chewed me out for about 12 hours because I bought a sweet tea from McDonald’s, when she dropped ‘only’ 200 dollars at the Disney store for the third time that week. Took out about 15 credit cards, maxed them all out. Thankfully, only the big ones had my name on them. She was a hoarder, to boot. Literally had the entire garage full, top to bottom, of plastic knickknacks and toys for the kids that never even got opened or given to the kids.
When I made any kind of decision, she’d end up crying. I let my 4-year-old go out in the front yard once, we were right behind him to climb in the car, she calls him back in, clutches him to her and starts howling. Eventually I figure out that she was crying because she was so sad and frightened to learn for the first time that I didn’t care if he lived or died, because he might get hit by a car. And if I protested that I wasn’t, I just always had to win the arguments instead of letting her win. I literally could do nothing right, from building her a headboard for a gift to forgetting the right condiment at fast food places.
Physically, she’d just either pinch me until I bled, or toss me something that magically managed to hit me in the balls every time.
She made friends with every person I met. Completely took over my social life, had to be there. There was no escape. I’d be talking with someone, then she had this trick where she would join the conversation, then turn her body, and the whole group would shift places as she talked, until she had her back to me, and I was literally once more outside the circle.
Finally, I started having full- blown panic attacks whenever she was around, and went to walk out of the room and kill myself during an argument. She wouldn’t even let me do that in peace, so I found an apartment, opened a bank account in my own name, and moved out. I had to figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out, it was only due to the fact that I was married to a harpy. Made the divorce merry hell a year later, and it’s still a nightmare getting time with the kids, but progress is slowly being made. 3 years now, and she still managed to get invited to my family reunion tomorrow, and she told me last week that she got my daughter’s make-a-wish offer finalized -they’re all going to Hawaii without me. And yet, it’s still a vast improvement from what it once was.
I don’t blame her for it—I’m pretty sure I know where it all came from. But every day I don’t see her, think about her, or am reminded she exists is a very, very good day.”
21. I left the day I was let out of jail for defending myself after she stabbed me.
“I left the day I was let out of jail for defending myself after she stabbed me. The cops knew it was her but ‘we don’t arrest women, you should man up.’ Was such an obvious travesty that when I showed up for arraignment the prosecutor had me removed from the calendar and apologized for my arrest. Not that he fucking prosecutor her though.
End result I have no custody, no visitation, and pay my abuser for next 15 years because hey I’m a man.”
22. I was holding my infant son and she got mad at me for some reason. She threw a plate at me.
“One time we were having a disagreement. Nothing heated, just a difference of opinion. She hauls off and slaps me full force in the face. When I asked WTF, she replied that she seen it on TV and thought that would be the best way to solve this issue.
I was holding my infant son and she got mad at me for some reason. She threw a plate at me. I had to turn my body and deflect the plate with my free arm so that it didn’t hit my son or I. Once the plate shattered, she accused me of hitting the plate with my arm and breaking it.
Another time she was mad for some reason and threw a plate full of food directly at me. Plate broke and food went everywhere.
On a more mundane level, our relationship was punctuated with more bouts of her kicking, yelling, wild accusations, threats to leave, that sort of stuff.”
23. She would punch and hit me in the gut.
“Girlfriend of a year and 7 months.
First few months were okay, nothing great nothing bad. But then it started to get worse as she joined my hobbies. She would punch and hit me in the gut. Even if my friends and teammates were standing 10 feet away. She wailed on me. She was relatively weak and it rarely ever hurt but the point was that she would always be taking swings at me.
A year down the line and it turns to slapping and shots to the groin. I was getting fed up with the abuse and not being treated like a human being
2 months later I dumped her, both for the abuse and for emotionally cheating on me. And she just calmly took herself out of my life. I’ve seen her twice since then and I never spoke a word to her.”
24. I was either punched in the stomach and bruised, slapped across the face, or pushed into objects.
“It lasted about two years. We were nearly living together. She started to hit me and I couldn’t really do anything back because she was like, 5’2″ and 100 lbs soaking wet, I’m 6’2″ and 180 lbs. We started to have fights and I was the only one who ever admitted fault because all she’d do was turn on the waterworks whenever I was made indignant and apparently it was my job to console her or otherwise it was another fight. At 3 am. After I’d gone to bed. I was expected to drive her everywhere. Even 2 1/2 hours away to malls at the drop of a hat, and pay for my own gas. Hell, I paid for everything.
Anything I needed emotionally was always second priority. If I’d had a bad day and needed some space, she was scared I was mad at her. When she felt I wasn’t around enough or there for her, she turned to her ex for ‘consolation’ to cheat. She apparently did the same thing to that same ex with the ex before him. When I did something playful, if she didn’t like it, I was either punched in the stomach and bruised, slapped across the face, or pushed into objects.
She ostracized me from my own family. She made it seem like she couldn’t function well without me and that I was always needed at her place instead of my parents’ house for holidays. I’d go back to hers the day after Christmas and stay the rest of winter break. I was there every spring break. I was expected to go to every one of her family functions, even though I wasn’t a fan of them (they were numerous, loud, ignorant drunks, and I’m quiet, reserved, and not big on crowds.) but she found reasons to dodge out every time I needed to go home or my family came to visit and eat lunch or dinner.
She was my first ever relationship. She was my entire world at college and she knew it. Literally everything I had and everyone I knew well enough to be friends with was through her because I live 3 hours away. I had started saving up to buy an engagement ring, and standing up for myself was the biggest bullet I’ve ever dodged.”
