23 Men Reveal How They Felt After Finding Out Their Girlfriend Was Cheating
1. Drove my car into the woods and shouted at the top of my voice for about 20 minutes.
“Drove my car into the woods and shouted at the top of my voice for about 20 minutes. Then cried every day for about 18 months.”
2. Got up and sped home to punch a hole in my bedroom wall.
“I was at her place and she was in the shower, saw some things on her phone.
Got up and sped home to punch a hole in my bedroom wall. I was fairly upset. She was texting and calling for a couple of days before I told her what I found.
The last text between us was her saying ‘are you gonna break up with me? :(’”
3. Spent a day blitzing through my house throwing out anything that reminded me of her.
“10 year relationship. I cried a lot and got pretty angry. Spent a day blitzing through my house throwing out anything that reminded me of her, left a bag of her stuff outside. Blocked her and her family on everything. Spent the last month redecorating, reconnecting with friends and changing up my lifestyle. It sucks but I’m not going to let it destroy me.”
4. I peed in her car air vents.
“I peed in her car air vents. My best buddy’s sister is her roommate and she said the car reeked of piss for weeks.”
5. Completely destroyed me.
“We were engaged. All was good I thought.
Turns out, she’d aborted my baby, and had been cheating on me behind my back with one of my best mates, before posting all about it over Facebook, so my family found out before I did (she’d blocked me after a silly argument. Turns out it was planned).
Completely destroyed me. Threw myself into my work, gaming, BMXing, Anything.
8 years later and I still can’t trust women because of her.”
6. I crawled into a bottle.
“I drank…like a lot.
It was while in the Army stationed in Germany back in the 90’s. She had been cheating on me with several other soldiers. So we broke up, obviously. She gave me back my ring. I crawled into a bottle and had the best 18 months of my life.”
7. I was in shock.
“On my birthday, she told me. I was in shock, and we just kind of sat in the same room for about 10 minutes. It was so creepy, she just sat there with no expression, then she went to bed. About 15 minutes later, I walked in, told her to get out. Suddenly she burst into tears. I shut the door and sat in the room for a while, not even tired.
20-30 minutes later, there are flashing lights in the driveway. I go out, there’s an ambulance loading her up, and the sheriff greets me and tells me to, ‘drop her.’ She attempted suicide by rubbing a credit card back and forth across her wrists. They took her to the looney bin after a quick hospital trip. She called me the next day and told me how everything was ‘my fault.’ I spoke with the social services lady and requested that I’m never contacted again.
Even better, the SS-lady called me up a day or two later and wanted to schedule someone to pick up her car that was still in my driveway. Yeah, sure, no problem, who is it? It’s the guy (and his wife) that she cheated on me with. I politely explain this to her, and she says, ‘I understand.’ A tow truck came out the next day and that was the last I ever saw of her and her shit.”
8. I filled with rage.
“Happened to me January 2017.
Was living together on her parents’ property. Was a smallholding and she ran a (mother’s)guesthouse on it. We were really happy. She complained that I was gaining weight. Joined the gym again because I wanted to keep her happy, but this meant I came home later at night. After a couple of weeks of this, I suspected something was wrong. When I came home, she would rather hang out with some of the guest, than be with me at night. This particular night, I joined her, playing poker with some of the guests. I had a long day at work and went to the gym, so I was a bit tired. All of them have been playing cards and drinking the entire afternoon.
I said goodnight and went to bed. A while later I had a bad feeling and went to check on everyone. No one is there. Everyone went to bed, and my GF is not in our place with me. I called her, no answer. As I’m standing outside, smoking to calm my nerves, she came out the back door of one of the rooms, clearly not expecting me there. I see the shirtless guest in the background locking his door when he saw me. I filled with rage. She was immediately mad at me, for being too suspicions. I just asked her if anything happened, she said: ‘No, nothing happened! I promise.’ The utter disgust, disappointment, rage and complete solidification of a warming heart, when your soulmate lies to you, and cheats on you, is a feeling I do not wish upon my worst enemy… They did fool around I later found out. As a kid, watching COPS the TV show, I could never understand, how one human being could ever kill another! Never understood it. I get it now.
Anyway,
I met an awesome girl now, quit smoking, was still working out and advanced a lot at my job! Feel awesome and happy!”
9. I was furious.
“I was furious. I wasn’t in a position to leave at the time so I played it off like I forgave the person, and said we needed to work on rebuilding. Secretly I was making plans. It helped we were planning to move so we were packing, and the cheater never noticed I packed my things in separate boxes.
Time came (like a week later), and I had cheater drop me at work. I had already explained to them, and they knew I was leaving the state. Got picked up by my ex. Broke into the apartment (didn’t have a key), got my boxes and left. Moved back home two states away.
Cheater realized it when she got home and all sorts of things (mine) were missing. Called me. I told her I couldn’t do it and was going home. She couldn’t understand why I left her. Had her mom call me. Mom said good for you in a long conversation.”
10. I wish it was all a bad dream.
“I was so overwhelmed with emotions. Mad, sad, disappointment, and disbelief. I didn’t want any of it to happen, I wish it was all a bad dream. I called her and asked if it was true, and she lied to me, I saw the texts that she thought she had hidden. Then her new ‘guy’ came on the phone and told me to leave her the fuck alone and we argued for a bit, fuck that guy. Now it has been only a few weeks and I’m trying really hard to move past it, but it is not easy. I don’t wish it on anyone.”
11. I just ate myself into a depression.
“She told me after I questioned why she’d been distant. I gave her a hug, walked out her house and blocked her from everything. No way was I dealing with that shit again.
However, since this relationship 3 years ago now, I’ve had a spiral of depression because of it and have gained over 7 stone in 3 years (98Lbs). I never did the hit the gym kind of thing, I just ate myself into a depression.
I’m actually starting a regime this Monday so I can feel better in my own body and can start dating again :)”
12. ‘Why me?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why me?’
“DENIAL
‘No, there’s no way she would do such a thing right? It just doesn’t make sense,’ I said, still suspicious. Then I snooped on her phone, there it was in black and white, or red and white seeing as it was Tinder. Queue some argument I can’t remember followed by the longest bus ride back home. I was still in denial ate that point. Probably still in love then too… even when finally she admitted it.
ANGER
‘How come she gets to be happy? Whilst I feel like dogshit? It’s not fair!” I thought, repeatedly. Therapy inbound. ‘Write a letter detailing all your thoughts but don’t send it, burn it.” Oops! Guess I forgot the last step. You wouldn’t believe how creatively vile you can get when you hate someone, and I mean reaaaaally despise, not just ‘cut you off’ kinda hate.
BARGAINING
‘Why me?”
DEPRESSION
‘Why me?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why….Oh, I guess this is life now.’
ACCEPTANCE
I’ll let you know when I reach this one, otherwise, loop back to ANGER.”
13. I felt disgusted with not only her, but myself.
“Turned out I was the one she was cheating with. Somehow, she managed to hide not only her husband but two kids. I was out with a couple of friends one night, sitting on a restaurant patio drinking and eating Cajun food, and just happened to see her and some guy strolling through the parking lot. Restaurant was two floors, and the patio was up top, so she didn’t see me. Next time we met up, I confronted her about it, and she broke down. I ended it then and there.
I felt disgusted with not only her, but myself. My father left my mother and I for another woman he had gotten pregnant when I was about 3, so I have a zero tolerance limit when it comes to cheating. To be put in that spot made me hate myself in a way. I wanted more than anything to tell her husband, but I didn’t. I was afraid that if I did, I would still end up as the guy who wrecked a family. I probably should have, but there’s no way to know which choice was right. I wouldn’t call keeping it secret a regret exactly, but it is definitely a defining moment in my life. I’ll always wonder if I made the right call or not.”
14. I had tears in my eyes, and asked why she didn’t tell me before, and she said because she knew I would ‘react like this.’
“December 30th, my fiancee who I had been with for four years was watching TV with me, and she got a text, and I instinctively looked at the phone which was sitting on the coffee table in front of us, and it was her boss with a message that said kisses goodnight,’ flashed right on front. I asked ‘Kisses goodnight? What does that mean?’ She refused to look at me, and just kept watching the TV. I said ‘Baby. Wait. What does that mean?’ She just shook her head no, a tear rolled from one eye, and she kept staring at the TV, refusing to break eye contact with it. I turned off the TV and asked her point blank ‘have you been cheating on me with your boss?’ and she broke down crying. I started walking in circles in the living room rapidly, unsure of what to say or do, and then I asked her how long it had been going on for, and got ‘only a couple weeks.’ I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to break up with her, but I couldn’t believe it, given that we were to be married in half a year and had a deposit down and invitations out and everything. I said ‘I’m breaking up with you?’ phrased as a question, because I couldn’t believe I was saying it.
I had tears in my eyes, and asked why she didn’t tell me before, and she said because she knew I would ‘react like this,’ so she kept it behind my back. I brought up that her boss is 12 years older than her (she was 21, he was 33) and she said that it wasn’t a big deal. I was angry at her, but mostly I was just hurt. She started kissing me, then we were having sex, and she started crying during and we stopped, and we both fell asleep on the couch for some reason (I have no idea why).
I took all my essentials and left the next day, taking a two-hour drive to my mother’s house. I slept through the New Year’s celebrations.
Within a week, she posted on Facebook about how she was dating her boss, and she texted me about a week later about how she was doing well, and she hoped I was doing well, and that she was ‘finally having fun again’ and trying new things, like anal. I don’t know why she told me those things, she had never been that hurtful during our relationship. All of her friends turned against her after the cheating, but I think they’re on good terms now.”
15. It was the most disgust I’ve ever felt in my life.
“She was my first girlfriend. I had left for a week-long road-trip with my family as a vacation, and also so I could tour a couple of colleges I was interested in. We were texting each other the whole week about how badly we missed each other and how we couldn’t wait to see each other again. Fast forward, I got back and we met up, and she looked so so sad, almost on the verge of tears. She gave me a huge hug and I asked her why she was so upset. It was then she told me… that she wanted to break up.
Blindsided and confused, I wanted to know why. She refused to tell me, just saying over and over again how ‘we can’t be together anymore.’ Well we had been together for a year and a half at this point—pretty long for a high school relationship—and I thought I deserved a better explanation than that. I think young and dumb me also thought if I knew the reason, I could try and change her mind. I told her that whatever it was, we could fix it. Then, as we kept talking, it kind of dawned on me in the middle of our conversation, but it wasn’t until she confirmed my suspicions that it really hit me.
It was the most disgust I’ve ever felt in my life. She was touching my hand when she told me, and the part I remember the most was pulling away as fast as I could. I couldn’t touch her, could barely stand to look at her, she literally repulsed me. After the truth came out, she started bawling and tried desperately to stay together. She told me that whatever it was, we could fix it. It was hard to do, but breaking up then was one of the best decisions of my life.”
16. I snapped her phone in half, dropped it on the ground, walked to my car, and slept there.
“We were crashing at a friend’s house after a wedding. It was about 1am, and we were all pretty drunk / passing out when I noticed my GF’s phone received a text message. I thought WTF, that’s either family / emergency, or exactly what it ended up being, another dude. I read the message (I forget what it said) and I scrolled up and saw they have been talking for about a month, nothing risque really, just heavy flirting / chatting at all hours of the night. I called the number and when he picked up I said ‘what’s up buddy’ and he hung up right away. I woke my gf up, asked her what was going on, she did the whole ‘look at the ground and say nothing’ so I snapped her phone in half, dropped it on the ground, walked to my car (which was parked at the last bar we were at a few blocks away) and slept there. Drove home the next morning, her mom and sister were there and she was crying, as I walked through the door my buddy called me seeing if I wanted to have a cook out since it was so nice outside, and that he would pick up beer, I very loudly said ‘absolutely, I gotta shower and then I’ll be right over, found out ******** was cheating on me last night so that would be great,’ to which he responded ‘I’ll pick up extra beer!’
To this day I have never badmouthed her to anyone about the whole thing. It was a decision she made, it is what it is. I blew off some steam the 24 hours directly after I found it, and have never looked back.”
17. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. The shame that went with it was incredible.
“My now ex-wife and I had been distant for a couple of months. No sex, daily life seemed mundane, wouldn’t go to bed at the same times, and she often would just sleep on the couch (big red flags in the first year of marriage). One night I saw her being very protective of her tablet that she usually used for gaming. I let it slide for the most part, but the next morning when I went downstairs, it was sitting out on the coffee table.
I turned it on and saw her email was opened and an email to herself was still open. In the email, was about 3 months worth of love notes, conversations, and pictures they had sent one another (couldn’t actually see photos, just had a ‘picture received/sent’ message instead).
I immediately felt sick to my stomach. The shame that went with it was incredible. Thinking I had to keep this secret to not appear a failure to family, friends, and coworkers. The physical and emotional pain that I felt was something I don’t wish on anyone. The fatigue is something I won’t forget either. The feeling that there is a ship anchor attached to your chest and pulling you straight to the ground to the point where you can’t move, can’t lift your head, can’t do anything. I couldn’t even read it. There was a message that was sent 4 hours before I woke up where she told him I was asleep and that she loved him so much. I was crushed. I wasn’t angry at first, I immediately thought of was my fault for not being attentive enough. My main disbelief is that she had thought it was worth saving and sending an email to herself of the transcript of their chats, like a love memento.
I walked back upstairs with the tablet and confronted her with it. She didn’t deny it (how could she?) And said she had saved it because they were ending their relationship (never happened, but that’s another story) and wanted something to remember him by. The relationship up to this point had been strictly online as they lived in different states, but it was still little consolation to the fact that for 3 months she had been cheating on me.
All on the day before our 1st wedding anniversary.
I tried to make it work with her for the next 4 months but nothing I did worked. Date nights didn’t impress and we moved hoping that a new start was what we needed. Cashed out my vacation and pension from my job in order to do so as well. She left me for him 2 weeks after the move.
Currently divorced and I’m now dating someone amazing, but the trust issues are hard to get rid of.”
18. I found some spotted water hemlock and proceeded to eat a sub-lethal dose to prove to myself that I was stronger than one bad experience.
“Not well. She cheated on me with one of my close friends, who apparently only ‘came out’ to us as a way to make sure I’d feel more at-ease with all the time the two of them spent together.
After I picked up on what was going on, I called her, dumped her immediately, and cut them out of my life. Went for a run, and eventually ended up in a secluded spot in the woods, where I found some spotted water hemlock and proceeded to eat a sub-lethal dose to prove to myself that I was stronger than one bad experience.
Kids, don’t eat poison to convince yourself you’re tough. I lucked out and didn’t have any repercussions, but it easily could’ve gone awry.”
19. I saw red. I had a glass of gin to calm myself.
“This happened fairly recently.
I had met my ex gf in college and we dated for three years. She was always hesitant whenever any commitment was mentioned, whether it was being exclusive, going together to a wedding, or anything, and consequently we moved very slow for a 3 year relationship.
Over the last year, she got a promotion to manager at her retail job and threw herself in, working 60 to 70 hour weeks on salary, stressing out constantly, and going in on her days off. Meanwhile, I was settling in to a day job in my career while also working freelance as much as possible. We were seeing each other less and less.
I always tried to make time, but she didn’t. She cancelled plans often, and if she kept them she would show up five hours late. I was worried about her because she was stressing herself out about her job rather than looking for something in her career, and she was apparently unwilling to not kill herself over it.
Last summer, she started texting this guy constantly. Every time I’d glance at her phone, there would be a message from him. Every time she stayed over, he’d call her late at night. I confronted her, and she told me he was a good friend who was an alcoholic and was in rehab for it. She also told me he was moving to Alabama.
This went on for a while. She spent the night at his house once; only admitting it when I called her out on it, but ‘it was with a bunch of people, nothing happened, I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d get jealous’.
I stuck it out til December and broke it off because I knew she was being dishonest, and she was making me feel like hell, gaslighting me into thinking that I just had severe jealousy issues. In February she texted me one of those ‘I miss you, I miss us, this sucks’ things, and though I was dating, I missed what I thought we had, so I took the bait. We started seeing each other for a bit. She told me she stopped talking to the guy because she knew it made me uncomfortable, and that she told him that as well. She framed it like I was more important to her than this other guy, which sadly I bought. One day she was driving up from her friend’s house a few states south, and mentioned that it reminded her of Alabama. I immediately put two and two together and confronted her. She told me she went down when we weren’t together and that nothing happened.
She had left her laptop at my house. I’ve never been the type to snoop, but I had to. With trembling fingers, I opened her laptop. I opened her pictures folder, and I typed in his name. A folder popped up. Lots of pictures of countryside in the south. Pictures of vistas. Then a picture of him, shirtless, in a bed. Then, pictures of them kissing. And pictures of them in a hot tub. All of the pictures were dated the week in October that she had gone on a business trip ‘to Georgia’. The business trip that she couldn’t get out of, even though i needed support while my grandmother was on her death bed. The business trip I waited at the airport for three hours to pick her up from, even though I had work early the next day.
I closed the file and opened her Facebook—she had left herself logged in. There is something interesting about seeing what someone you love writes to someone else. There is a lot of overlap. She compliments him the same way. He says he loves her. He pours out his insecurities to her. They say goodnight to each other every night, or rather they did up until January. Somehow it ended, and he was asking her if she was seeing anyone else. She was being her typical evasive self, not answering the question. I felt for him: He obviously never knew about me. To him, I was the other guy.
As I’m sitting in my room, seething, she sends me a cute text message. I saw red. I had a glass of gin to calm myself. I’d say I hatched a plan, but it didn’t really work like that. I just instantly knew what I was going to do.
I took her laptop and drove down to her hometown and stopped by a coffee shop. I wrote a long email to the other guy, detailing the timeline of my relationship with my ex, along with screenshots of our text messages, as proof. I sent him a message on Facebook. ‘Check your email.’
I then drove right to her parents’ house, and delivered the laptop to them. I thanked her mom for always being very sweet to me over the years, but that I wouldn’t be coming back. She asked me why. I didn’t say. That was the last kind thing I’ll ever do for my ex.
As I was walking back to the car, she calls me twice. I block her number, and unfriend her on all social media. I had one more call to make.
She had a mentor, a rapper from Virginia, who I had met several times, even going so far as to shoot a music video for him once. He was married, and an all around good guy. I told him everything. He was upset, saying he couldn’t believe it. We still keep in touch.
At this point, I felt great; elated even. I was free. I was giddy on my drive back home.
The other guy called me that night. He was a mess. Apparently he had called her and confronted her. He seemed like a nice guy, but holy shit was he needy. What was interesting was that I ended up comforting him; telling him the things he needed to hear. I had no hate for him at all, and tried to get him to move on. He texted me for like four days before I started getting rather short with him… at that point I was okay, but he was still all over the place.
A few months later, and I’m doing great! I took a solo backpacking trip to New Mexico, went skydiving, and am planning a cross country road trip in a motorcycle for July. I’ve also been dating again. I’m definitely not ready for anything serious, but it’s nice to feel wanted.
She still drives by my apartment regularly.”
20. I fucking felt like dying.
“She started working with a friend of mine at this place. I FUCKING CALLED IT IN ADVANCE. I told her I didn’t really want her working there or spending any time with dude because he would try to pull some shit. Lost my job as I was pretty bad into drugs. She said she didn’t wanna be with an unemployed person and said we needed a break. I’m pretty sure she fucked him that night, or at least that week, probably more than once. Then she tried to get back with me, but she did have the decency to confess that she did fuck him.
I fucking felt like dying. I thought I really loved this girl, but I was like no one is gonna want an unemployed, heroin-addicted, lives with his parents boyfriend. So I tried to forgive her and take her back. She used the fact that I forgave her to spend time with all her friends and virtually never see me except when she had nothing better to do. That lasted about a week. I got so upset that I put the needle down, applied for jobs like crazy, and tried to get my shit together. Never actually broke up with her. Just let her think we were together.
Went to a party a few months after, still tore up about her. I met a girl who was into me and asked ME out. Said to myself why the hell not? We started dating, eventually move in together. EX-GF started FREAKING OUT when she sees I’m in a relationship on Facebook. Chews me out saying I’m cheating on her, etc. Deleted that bitch off my social media WITH AUTHORITY.
Let’s Recap our current situations.
Ex-GF: Now a massive coke-fiend, weedhead and PCP addict. Still single, and has been rode hard and put away wet. Hits me up on occasion to send me nude pics. What a whooooore.
Guy she cheated with: Failing, unemployed wannabe musician. Thinks he’s gonna make it in music, but he is nowhere close.
Me: Great job, getting ready to build a house, 100% off the drugs, and getting married in September to the girl who asked me out earlier in the story!
I know it’s amazingly hard to be cheated on, but I fully believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. My life is better because she wanted to slut it up.”
21. A loser I felt like indeed.
“To be honest, I cared a little too much. Looking back on it now, it’s silly, but back then, having that happen to me for the first time was a huge slap in the face. Get your popcorn ready
So the girl I was in a relationship with for 6 months decides she’s going to England for 4 weeks to see her friend who had just recently got engaged, and whom I was not a big fan of (she was a bad influence on my girlfriend). The friend lived there for about a year after she had fallen in love with this straight arrow in the Air Force, great guy. So like any other boyfriend, I trust her to do what’s right for our relationship without hesitation. Within the first week I started to see pictures on Facebook of her with 2 other guys. Now I had heard stories about her being too flirtatious at parties before this trip, but I believed that was her acting her age. So seeing those pictures didn’t make me nervous. Then there was one night, I knew she had been drinking because of the texts she was sending me talking about how she wanted to try different stuff in bed. Later that night, she posted more pictures of her with this one particular guy, also in the Air Force, unusually and uncomfortably close. So I started to think. The first night I met my girlfriend she was laying on the couch talking about how she needed ‘to be held.’ So doing what any other average Joe would, I accepted her invitation and one thing led to another and, well, yeah. Thinking about the first night we met was sort of an awakening for me. I began to think, If she hooked up with me the first night, what’s to say she’s not doing the same with Mr. Top Gun in England right now?. I shrugged it off until I had a verrry unproductive looong day at work. I decided I was going to hack into her Facebook. I knew her email, just needed the password. That wasn’t a problem for someone that had talked every bit about her likes/dislikes, fantasies, past, etc. I breezed thru the first 2 security questions but was having a difficult time with the third one. Where do you want your honeymoon? Now we weren’t in that deep to be discussing that topic so I didn’t have a clue. So I text her, trying to play it cool easing into the conversation before the perfect opportunity came. Instead of asking Duhhhh honeymoon duhhhhh??? I play it smooth. If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be? She answered, and I plugged it in, and I was in there like, as they say, swimwear. I immediately look at her messages, and my head collapses. Not only was she flirting with Mr. Top Gun, she had sex with him on a number of occasions, and he was starting to like her. Asking her questions like ‘Why do you want to go home to that loser?’ A loser I felt like indeed. I look at other conversations to find out that she was passing out her cell number like a business card. So I surprise her by showing up at her apartment before she gets home. Her roommate, a little skeptical of the situation, let’s me in because I told her I left my thumb drive here and need to grab it. I wasn’t in school and was hoping she didn’t know that. I’m in. My girlfriend, soon to be ex as soon as she walks thru that god forsaken door, arrives and opens the door all happy to see me, but notices something it wrong. I say, ‘I know what you did. I hacked your Facebook.’ Her jaw drops ‘How did y—, wh—, how?’ I respond, ‘You’re worried about how, and not why, because you know why. Cabo San Lucas…?’ I left her feeling the same way I felt when I found out, betrayed.”
22. I thought I’d be mad. I wasn’t. It turned me on.
“I thought I’d be mad. I wasn’t.
It turned me on.
Which was a strange reaction to have. But it really turned me on in ways that are hard to describe. She told me about what happened, what they did, what he did to her. And I was immediately aroused. I rage-fucked her in the heat of that moment and it was one hot, passionate mess. She whimpered with lust during our sex, ‘I’ve been a naughty girl! Fuck me like a naughty girl.’ And I exploded. It was magic. This strange, undiscovered, magic.
We still talked it out, ironed out all the kinks that lead her to that decision, refocused trust and mutual understanding. But we also discovered hotwifing. I’m turned on by my wife with another man.
Seems strange to type that. Anyway, there it is.
Happily married 20 years with active, pre-approved mischievous intimate evenings with others from time to time.”
23. I felt physical pain, nausea, my legs felt weak and I almost fell to the floor.
“Happened once, a long time ago—in 1982. Me, my GF and my best friend went to spend the weekend in a beach house. His GF was supposed to go, but canceled in the last minute.
After dinner we were chatting and I dozed off. Woke up by myself, went looking for them. I opened a bedroom door and found them spooning. Both asleep. Both fully clothed, so I couldn’t be sure what had happened or not, but still.
I felt physical pain, nausea, my legs felt weak and I almost fell to the floor. It is hard to explain. It’s not that they had obviously been at least making out, if nothing else, while I slept in the other room. It’s not that she felt attracted to him. It’s not that my friend would do something like that. No, the worst part was to feel that she wanted to cause me so much pain. Why, why would someone I loved decide to torture me to the breaking point like that?
I left the bedroom, closed the door, went to my (used to be our) bedroom, got my backpack that hadn’t even been unpacked yet, and walked out of the house. She caught up with me while I was putting the backpack inside the trunk.
‘Are you just leaving me her with him?’ She said. I just looked at her. There was nothing I could say. ‘I don’t want to be here with him,’ she said. I just looked at her.
‘Can you please wait? I don’t want you to leave like that. Let me get my stuff, I came here with you and I will go back with you.’ I nodded. I felt it was the honorable thing to do, at least drive her home if she wanted/needed that.
It was the most dangerous drive of my live. This was going up from the shore to São Paulo, in Brazil. There’s a mountain range in between, and the road was dangerous to begin with. Add that it was late at night, it was raining, foggy, and I could barely see the road. I was also out of my mind. I was raging mad, I wanted to kill her, I wanted to die. The endless line of semis carrying cargo from the big Santos port presented endless opportunities to just die. So did the cliffs on the side of the mountain.
I was weaving through traffic, going as fast as I could, I just wanted everything to end. She was trying to talk with me. ‘Nothing happened. We just fell asleep talking. I don’t know how we ended up in that position. Please talk to me. Please slow down.’ I did not say a word the whole trip. Somebody should have stopped me, I could have killed myself, her, and whoever else was on the road that night.
I was running low on gas but did not dare to stop, at least driving gave me something to occupy my mind. Gas lasted enough to reach her place. When we parked, she still wanted to talk. I remember sitting on the hood of the car, listening to what she had to say. ‘Nothing happened, you have got to believe me.’ I was too hurt to even understand, let alone believe anything.
At some point she stormed into the house, mad at me. Somehow, she was mad at me. That night after I left her place and filled up, was the first time I drove at more than 100 mph in my life. Or to be precise, 160 Km/h. By the time I was driving home it was more than 2am and Avenida 23 de Maio was empty, a huge 5 lane thing that is usually congested, I felt so free going so fast on that road, doing something forbidden like that. Cut me some slack, I was 18.
Many things happened in the years since.
I talked to her again not too long ago, I think it was 2010. Met online by chance. I have been happily married for years to a woman I love and who loves me. I have a wonderful son and my life is awesome. Since that night I had many relationships, and I haven’t felt anything for her in a long, long time—but what happened that night, somehow, still hurts, in the rare occasions when I think about it. I think it’s trauma, I will never be able to forget that night, my brain remembers the pain.
And so I asked her in 2010, casually, ‘so it’s been almost 30 years. I’m happy, married, have a child. You’re also married, you also have a child, you seem happy. Nothing that happened that night matters anymore, but I am curious. Can you finally tell me what happened?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I really, really don’t know.’”
