16. I was ‘gang’ raped when I was seven years old multiple times.

“I was ‘gang’ raped when I was seven years old multiple times. The most fucked up part about this is, this is my earlier memory. I was in a car with multiple males, including three of my cousins. They all wanted to see how big my penis was so they pulled my pants down and got me erect. All of them then started to touch me and then they pulled out their penises.

I was then forced to go down on each of them until they ejaculated in my mouth. I didn’t know what I was doing or what it meant at the time, I just know it felt wrong. I completely forgot all of this even happened until my early 20’s when I tried to kill myself because of severe depression over the course of my life. Apart from that shitty experience, I had a pretty horrible childhood, being emotionally abused by my family and friends.

I remember when I saw a psychologist for the first time, I was scared because the only thought going through my mind is ‘she is going to have me locked up for being crazy.’ Well, she was very kind and gentl, but was continuously asking me questions about why I was depressed. I gave her the emotional abuse, but she didn’t think that was the only reason.

After a few months of seeing this same therapist, she finally had me go into this state of ‘lucid dreaming’ by lighting a candle, playing a certain type of music, and having me recall my childhood. I didn’t believe this would work and was kind of fighting it at first. Then it happened. All of these memories came flooding in and I could remember that night as clear as day. I was uncontrollably sobbing and couldn’t be consoled. She just sat there in her chair crying while I was reduced to nothing.

I then went into my worst depression yet and thought everything was my fault. A week later, I tried to kill myself again. That’s when we switched our sessions from twice a month to two days a week. Even though I couldn’t afford the sessions, she was forking over the copay for me. She finally broke this spell of depression by having me ‘talk’ to my childhood self. having me tell him what I would want someone to tell me. It was the most emotional day of my entire life. What I told myself was:

‘It wasn’t your fault. You were a child and nothing that happened was your fault. I know it hurts and I know it makes you depressed, but please, for future you, do not carry this burden for the rest of your life. I want you to grow up fearless, brave, and understand that they cannot hurt you anymore. You are the most special person on this planet and I need you to know that I will always love you regardless of what happened.’

After that session, I had this sense of relief. I still remember that night now, but it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. I never told anyone when it happened because I didn’t want my parents to not love me anymore and for them to blame me for what happened. Even now, I haven’t told anyone besides you guys, anonymously, my therapist, and my ex, but she used it against me when she broke up with me. I will never tell anyone in person again. I still see my therapist once a month and she is the greatest gift I have ever had. Writing this has made me start crying again….”
—taforobviousreason