In maybe first grade at the school I went to, each room had its own restroom. I went in and was trying to shut the door but it wouldn’t shut, so I tried harder to shut it. What gives? Why is this girl screaming? Oh, because she had her thumb in the doorframe and I crushed it. I don’t even remember feeling that bad about it, just like “Oh shit I hope I still get to have ice cream tonight.”

6. Released bees into biology class.

During lunch I caught about 8 bees and got them into a soda bottle. As I walked into into biology I took the cap off the bottle and dropped it into the garbage. The bees escaped and we got out of class.

7. Drew a massive dick on a school painting.

There were giant black panthers painted on the wall of the gym. My friend and I broke open and ink pen and with the ink, drew a massive dick on the panthers.

I have no idea how the gym teacher didn’t see us on the bleachers doing that.

8. Pulled down a teaching assistant’s pants.

When I was in 3rd grade I pulled down a high school helper’s pants because I thought she was pretty….

9. Threatened to stab a kid with a pencil.

Threatened to stab a pencil into a kid’s jugular in front of the entire math class because he was picking on a developmentally disabled girl. Didn’t get in trouble even though my school had a no-tolerance policy.

I thought I was some kind of vigilante.

10. Stabbed a girl with a pencil.

One time this girl was trying to be nice by sharing her Slim Jim with me, but I didn’t like them. So she kept shoving it in my face telling me how good it is. So after a while of her trying to put a Slim Jim in my mouth I snapped and stabbed her with a pencil….

I was a badass in elementary school.

11. Removed the labels on a color-blind kid’s crayons.

My friend Jesse was totally color blind. So whenever he got new pencil crayons (usually for geography class) I would scrape all the names of the colors off the end of the pencils. Then we would all laugh when he started coloring in maps with the wrong colors. I wasn’t the only dick, no one else would tell him what color he had in his hand. It was really funny to the rest of us.

12. Tripped a girl as some sick way of flirting.

In grade three I tripped a girl during recess as some sick way of flirting. She fell hard on the snow and her nose started bleeding and the blood started dripping into the snow. To lighten the mood I pointed to the red snow and said “hey free snow cones.”

13. Set off fireworks in the dorm hallway.

I set off fireworks in the dorm hallway. There was smoke everywhere. The fire department used a master key to open every room to make sure everyone was out. One kid had a bunch of pot laying out. He was arrested and expelled.

14. Made a terroristic threat.

I was written up for terrorism one time for saying, “I’m-a blow this bitch into the sky if I don’t get my phone back!” after our school started a no confiscation policy and still took my phone. Does that count?

15. Masturbated to completion in history class.

I masturbated and finished in my history class. Was full of people.

16. Attempted to turn the biology-class hamsters into bloodthirsty beasts.

Fed the school’s hamsters with the turkey hearts we were dissecting in bio class, we were convinced we could turn them into bloodthirsty beasts:).

17. Threw a tampon at a teacher.

Had a German teacher who had been in the states for about 6 weeks before he started teaching my class of freshmen. We fucked with the poor bastard to no end.

One day, while his back was turned and he was lecturing, I stole a tampon from the girl next to me. I took the tampon out of it’s tube, broke open a red marker and squeezed all the red ink out of the marker and into the tampon and then using the string swung it like a sling and tossed it towards the front of the room. It hit the whiteboard with a sickening splat while the teacher was writing on the board, about 6″ from his face. It left the most beautiful splat mark on the board and slowly slid down to the tray leaving a dark red trail down the board, while the teacher stares at it in dumbfound horror, picks it up, realizes what it is and drops it with a loud SCHIEBE!! and slowly turns towards us, a look of pure hate and rage on his ink-splattered face.

We just about died laughing, I got suspended, and it became a staple of my school’s folklore. A decade later, I feel bad about it.

18. Got a blowjob in the hallway.

Girlfriend let me feel her up then went down on me in a really long hallway before school. Really surprised we didn’t get caught and some of the best head I’ve gotten to this day :)

19. Blew marijuana smoke into the school’s ventilation system.

A friend and I climbed up into the school’s attic and smoked a joint right next to the AC intake feeding to the school’s main HVAC system. We made sure all the second-hand smoke was sucked into the system. When we were finished we quickly left the attic a blended in with the rest of the school students. A few minutes later the principle was frantically running around trying to find the perpetrators. He got on the intercom and offered a $100 reward for the name of the person who smoked weed in his school. We were the only ones who knew and we got away with it. It was hilarious. This was at RRHS just north of Austin. The principle’s name was Dr. Russell.

20. Wrote my Spanish teacher a lewd note.

I heard a rumor that my Spanish teacher’s daughter let a guy titty-fuck her, I then wrote “Your daughter got titty fucked by Michael, just thought you should know so your daughter doesn’t become a whore.” Her son didn’t take kindly to that, we fought, and I got my ass kicked. Afterwards the principal called me into the office to talk about the note and he asked me what was on it, but I didn’t want to say a bunch of curse words in front of the principal so he pulled the note out and read it out loud to my dad and I (he had been called to the school to discuss punishment) and I heard him say titty-fuck. 10/10 would do again.

21. Caused a riot.

I was a wild child while in school, I was smart but had no passion to succeed in school so I would constantly underachieve but always make straight A’s with classes that weren’t challenging. I have many stories but one sticks out – the day I caused a “riot.”

We had a huge asshole math teacher who was mean to everyone (he had a child that drove drunk and died in a car wreck so he was super angry at the world). We all felt sorry for him so everyone was usually forgiving when he was mean. But one day he gave us a pop quiz on subjects we hadn’t studied yet. I finished the quiz early and sat quietly waiting for the rest of the class. A black kid that sat next to me was struggling and eventually I started sneaking him answers. We ended up getting busted. The teacher flipped out and told the black kid “cheating like this is what makes your kind expect hand outs all their lives.” We all sat in shock as he chewed the black kid out even more. The kid was not a troublemaker and it was my fault for giving him the answers. He just sat there holding back tears. The teacher left to room to go get the principal. When he left I locked the door behind him.

When he came back and the door was locked, mayhem ensued. Half the class was at the window yelling “racist prick” in unison at the administrators. Desks got flipped and the quizzes were destroyed. This went on until the janitor came and unlocked the door. The room was trashed and I got suspended for a week.

The teacher? Got put on administrative leave for his comments and having previous issues.

21. Drew an obscene cartoon that freaked out a nun.

So in sixth grade I had a nun. She was a real cunt. She hated me because I fooled around in class, never did homework, and always got straight A’s.

So one day I am fooling around in class and I drew a picture. It was of a naked woman holding a dildo in each hand. She also had a dildo in her vagina. Above her there was text: Fake Dicks R’ Us. After I finished it, I put it in my desk.

Next day, I stayed home from school. I am pretty sure that I wasn’t even sick, I just faked it. The nun goes into my desk in front of the whole school and starts pulling my shit out. She did this to everyone who was absent. She would make fun of how we were all slobs while also collecting books for homework to be sent home with a sibling or friend.

Needless to say, she found the picture. She freaked. She turned it in to the principal, also a nun, and my Mom had to go to school to pick it up.

In the following years, I fought, got high, smoked cigarettes, cut class, and the works at school but that one stands out in my mind as the worst thing.

22. Lied about my grandfather’s death so I could cut class.

I told my teacher that I hadn’t been coming to class lately because my grandfather passed away, and I was really broken up about it, and spending time with my family. Really I’d just been going to the fishpond to smoke weed with my friends. The next day I missed class again, so she called my house after school and my mom answered. I was sitting beside her and could over hear my teacher offering her condolences, but insisting that I still had to make it to class. My mom turned to me and gave me the most infuriated glare of “WTF have you done now!?” I’d ever received from her. Both of my grandfather’s were already way dead, like years dead. I panicked and mouthed “just go with it!! Please!!” and she did!! She thanked the teacher for her concern and told her I would be in class the next day. I still can’t believe she covered for me, even though I’m pretty sure I was grounded for about a month afterward. That was definitely an awful thing to do.

23. Fingered a girl in the teachers’ lounge.

Fingered an ex-GF in the TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. That kinda made me a legend.

24. Committed locker-room arson.

I have no idea how I got away with this one.

In high school, circa 2000, I was a huge dumbass. One day after gym class, I was lighting matches and flicking them at my friend in the locker room. Most people had left, and I decided to drop lit matches through the holes of some of the other gym lockers. I ran out of matches, and sauntered off thinking I was such a rebel….

Well, someone had a can of spray deodorant and a can of spray hairspray in his locker. I guess his clothes caught fire, and the cans exploded, because my friend came running out of the locker room and told me that the lockers were on fire. REALLY on fire.

I went back in, and there were FOUR-FOOT FLAMES SHOOTING HORIZONTALLY OUT OF ONE OF THE LOCKERS. They were starting to burn the drop ceiling.

I went out and found the teacher, and in my calmest teenage-sociopath voice, I told him that the lockers were on fire.

He ran in. He ran back out. The fire extinguisher wasn’t there. He had to run downstairs to the shop classroom to get the nearest one.

For several days, police were in and out, a detective was brushing for prints, and everyone was talking about the “locker room arson.” I swore to never speak of it, and my friend did too, but I was POSITIVE that the cops were going to pull me out of class any day.

About two weeks later, as I was in the cafeteria in the middle of the afternoon blatantly cutting class, the gym teacher came up to me and thanked me for being so mature and quick to get him, and how it was the right thing to do and really level-headed. I was suspicious at first, sure that he was going to grab my arm or something, but I slowly realized he was sincere. He then told me he thought it was one of the freshman, because “that whole class is all horrible kids.”

I did a lot more stupid destructive shit in school, but this was by far the worst. I still think about it all the time, and wonder how the hell I didn’t get caught.

Seriously…how did I not get caught?!

25. Spread a foul-smelling liquid all around the school.

Buddies and I spread butyric acid, a foul-smelling liquid, all around the school, it smelt like a beer puke. Much talk the next day about the stench.

26. Glued a dildo to a statue.

I glued a dildo to a hand-carved wooden statue of our mascot the Trojan and never got caught.

27. Shat on the floor.

Gotta be the time in kindergarten that I decided to shit on the floor. The teacher found it and somehow, another kid confessed to doing it. Who the fuck makes a false confession to shitting on the floor?

28. Shat everywhere.

Shat right outside the door of the band room.

Shat in the visiting team’s baseball dugout.

Shat outside the men’s bathroom door.

In all of these instances I was working out (running on the track) during non-school hours. It’s not my problem they locked the bathrooms on weekends.

29. Ran the Nuremberg Trials on my city’s obituaries.

My class was assigned a group project. Some presentation about a social event of our choosing. We had to have a bulletin board to bring in front of the class with pictures and information on it.

My group screwed around until the day of the presentation. We had Olympic seconds to put this shit together, so we were going to completely half ass a story from the newspaper. We just couldn’t find anything. Then my friend had a stroke of inspiration.

He started cutting out pictures of dead people from the obituaries and pasting them onto our bulletin board. A lot of pictures of dead people… Then he started to write their new names under them. “Zangief the Molester” , “Hannibal the Destroyer” , “The Wretch of Europe”. Across the top of this board he wrote “THE KILLERS OF RELIGION” in big bold letters and taped a sheet about the Holocaust from his Hebrew school next to all these pictures of local dead people.

We did a 5-minute presentation about the “atrocities and genocides” committed by these people. We sold it, though. Our teacher pretty much commended us for doing what he thought was a good job covering a touchy subject.

These bulletin boards were hanging up outside that classroom for the rest of the year.

TL;DR – Ran the Nuremberg Trials on my city’s obituaries.

30. Fuck you, Drew.

In 4th grade this kid was mean to me, so when he was in the bathroom I plugged my game boy into his and traded his six lvl 100 Pokemon for lvl 3 weevils and pidgeys and shit. He’d been grinding about to go into the elite 4. I’m a monster but still, fuck you, Drew.

31. Fuck you, Chad.

There was this other kid that always gave me a hard time for everything I did. If I scored like 3 points lower on a test, he’d act like a total smartass. Always tattled on EVERYONE, including his friends. Eventually we all got fed up with him, so while he had his locker open, I had a friend distract him for a few minutes. I put a milk carton behind all the shit he has crammed up in his locker, covered it up and made everything look the same and left. About a week comes around and there is the absolute worst smell you could imagine just reeking from his locker. Janitor eventually opens it, finds the milk carton, demands to know whose locker it belonged to, and told his teacher. Smartass got reprimanded and everyone made fun of him for the rest of the year cause of it. MIDDLESCHOOL JUSTICE ALWAYS PREVAILS, FUCK YOU CHAD.

32. Fuck you, Kevin.

In 7th grade I was a really quiet kid, The one kid who doesn’t talk to anyone, wears the same hoodie every day, and reads manga. Anyway there was this one white trash bastard in my English class I’m going to call Kevin. Kevin would always try to make my life a living hell; he would take my paper while I was out in the bathroom and draw dicks all over it, forcing me to completely rewrite it. He would do things to make the teacher mad and blame me, and since I was really quiet and couldn’t really speak for myself I was always the one to get in trouble. One day the teacher has to leave to speak with the faculty leaving the whole class unsupervised, Kevin decides to be funny and goes behind me and starts lightly slapping me in the face from behind, That was the last straw. With the force of an old karate master I karate chopped him as hard as I could in the neck. He immediately stopped and just sat back down at the desk. A few minutes into class he has to go to the nurse because he was bleeding from his mouth pretty bad; it was all over his desk and on his books. I thought I was gonna be called up to the office for weeks after that but nothing came of it.