5 Reasons I’m Not Going To Tell You About My New Boyfriend (Yet)

1. He might break up with me before I finish the story.

Listen. I am not The Lord. I don’t know when my new boyfriend will come to his senses and realize just how overwhelming shit is about to get. He has probably had plans for the break up since the day I told him about the long, detailed, whimsical life I wanted with him in which we go to the same neighborhood restaurant every Tuesday and talk only to each other for days at a time. I know the look of terror that usually flashes in a boy’s eyes during these conversations and I didn’t really see it, but then again, it was dark and his eyes were closed and I was watching him sleep.

2. He’s cooler than your boyfriend.

I’m not one to brag about my dating history (except for often) but there is a three hundred percent chance that my new companion is funnier, sexier, smarter, and more well-spoken than yours. I don’t like to make people jealous of my love life; it’s why I stopped walking around naked with that polaroid of us taped to my chest. And I know what you’re thinking: everyone thinks this about their significant other. Except, in my case, it’s true! I know because it’s been scientifically proven at parties wherein people simply double over in laughter and excitement at his presence. Then I administer a survey to the partygoers where the only question is about him and all of them answer correctly because the answer is US.

3. It’s so new that I’m not even sure if he’s my boyfriend or not.

Sure, I’ve been referring to him as such in casual conversation for weeks, but I was also calling him my boyfriend when he accepted my Facebook friend request and I’m pretty sure he was practically engaged to somebody else at that point. But, if someone were to hold a calendar to my head and force me to count, I could maybe tell you that this has been going on for approximately 41 days. If that does not a boyfriend make, I don’t know what does.

4. You might think he’s fake.

Since he doesn’t live nearby and there are few (if any) public pictures of us, I understand if you don’t believe that he is real. I’m afraid that my seemingly overblown description of him and lack of digital proof may confuse you, but I assure you, he is a real life person. When I say that I am going on dates, I am not lying, per se. My dates are simply more about internet connections and Google Effects than they are about getting my meals paid for and having lots of sex.

5. If I start the story about us, I will not stop.

I could write a dissertation on this gentleman. I already have eight word documents saved with his last name as the title. That journal you see on my desk? It’s where I write pages about him (and where I tape pieces of his hair and his used dental floss). If you’d like to be able to use your ears after our conversation, it’s best that you simply don’t ask about him. Once I begin describing him, it will probably be days before I stop. Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t want to know how long it takes him to poop? You’re not interested in how many ounces of coffee his French press holds? Well then. It’s a shame you’re so pompously selfish that you have no remote interest in other people’s lives. Thanks for taking your HANDHELD MIRROR out from in front of your face for just a MOMENT so I could tell you something about ME and MY boyfriend, you selfish monster.