1. *ClickClickClick*
“I had sex with a woman who had an artificial heart valve that clicked audibly when her heart rate went up. The clicking really freaked me out.”
2. Roommate Likes To Watch
“‘My roommate likes to watch.’
‘How weird could it be?” Very.
I’m a guy, the roommate in question was a girl. She just watched, I tried to make conversation, but it turns out she didn’t speak English. Both girls were from Beijing. Also broke her bed. It was a weird night.”
3. Creepy The First Few Times
“Absence seizures. I knew he had them, but it’s still a shock to be in the middle of things, look down, and… lights on but nobody home.
I stopped and waited, when he came around we talked a bit and eventually got back into it but it was fucking creepy the first few times.”
4. Steel Plates And Screws
“Not really what I saw but I wasn’t really prepared. I had an ex who had been in a bad car crash at one point and had plates and screws all in her pelvis. The scars weren’t bad but she was anything but flexible. She could pretty much move her legs forwards and backwards. Spreading them was pretty difficult. There was a lot of doggy style.”
5. She Was A Master Of Understatement
“‘I’m really tight.’
…
It was like trying to get a traffic cone into a wine bottle.”
6. Just A Small Scar
“My now husband said he had a small scar from his circumcision. It’s not small, and when I saw it I said, ‘Wow, your parents should have sued.’ Then I quickly apologized but he just laughed.”
7. She Didn’t Know What She Was Good At
“Said she was horrible at blow jobs… Gave me one of the best blow jobs of my entire life.
Said she was amazing at hand jobs… I sat paralyzed with a mixture of pain and terror, as an otherwise lovely woman displayed God like grip strength and the Devil’s disregard for the health of a man’s dick.”
8. The Condom Shredder
“She told me she was ‘tight’ by tight she meant that no matter how much she loosened up she’d shred condoms like they were made out of tissue paper.”
9. Ouch
“‘It is 8 inches and kinda thick.’
Sureeeeeeee it is
It was. I was in pain.”
10. The Confidence Crusher
“Girl I was dating apparently had no sex appetite. First time she tells me, just tell me what way you want me to be in, do what you need to.
She would just lie there. I thought I was a failure but she said that it was normal for her, she didnt like sex at all. She didnt hate it, but she didnt seem to have an appetite for it either.
Theres a Seinfeld episode where George goes through the same thing.
Suffice to say, it didn’t work out and my destroyed confidence was only restored later when a dude I knew who dated her later asked me about her strange sex attitude.”
11. A Large Protuberance
“I had an ex who had a very large clit. And by very large I mean a macro clit. When we started going out, she was very apprehensive about fooling around and going further than a little tit play. I let it slide for awhile, hoping she would eventually warm up enough to explore further. After about 2 months after we had gotten pretty worked up on the couch, I slid my hand under her jeans top, she grabbed my hand and proceeded to cry and break our embrace. She proceeded to tell me she was a little different than some of the girls I had probably been with. I pressed and she told me that she had a vey large clitoris. I remember clearly a slight sense of trepidation and concern. Of course I reassured her and eventually she relaxed and slipped off her pants. We started going at it again and she allowed my hand to slip into her panties. Holy fuck, she wasn’t kidding, I kept my composure but I could not believe how large of a clit I just ran across. And no it wasn’t a cock. It was a perfectly formed elongated, swollen clitoris. Very responsive and sensitive, but it took me a while to get use to handling such a large protuberance.”
12. Rup, The Screamer
“I had this buddy Rup who was a great guy. We had known each other for about a year when I suggested we fuck.
We were fooling around and he got me off a few times and we were about to get to penetration.
He was just about to press into me when he stopped and said ‘just so you know, I’m a screamer.’
That phrase turned me off instantly, at the exact moment he entered me. I soldiered on and took one for the team.
When he came, he fucking ROARED my first name in a sound that seemed like equal parts agony and rage.
It was the least sexy thing ever. I jumped out of my skin every time someone said my name for like 5 days.”
13. “I Don’t Know How She Didn’t Look Like A Mummy Afterward”
“She warned me that she was a squirter. S’all good, been with squirters before.
This girl was more of a pressure washer than a squirter. Sometimes I’d make her cum so much that we would go through a laundry load of towels, it was ridiculous. I don’t know where the fuck it came from either, she barely drank anything. I don’t know how she didn’t look like a fucking mummy after squirting so much.”
14. Her ‘O’ Face
“Her o-face. Beautiful woman, but she looked like Mick Jagger getting kicked in the nuts.”
15. Shocking Cleavage
“A girl I was with stopped before taking her bra off. She said ‘now don’t be surprised, because I’ve had people be pretty shocked before.’ Her boobs didn’t appear massive or tiny, but I assumed she meant she was wearing a padded bra, and I was going to be “shocked” at how small they were.
I was shocked at how big they were. My mouth literally fell open. I have no idea how she stuffed all that boob in that bra, but dammit they were amazing. I should call her….”
16. Lactation
“I produce too much prolactin so I lactate all the time even though I’ve never been pregnant. My first bf never said anything about getting it in his mouth so I thought I didn’t produce enough for that so I didn’t think to warn anyone beforehand. The second guy I was with was surprised by it and spit it out which really embarrassed me so i started to warn anyone I got with after him. Most guys didn’t seem to care when I told them but when it actually came down to it several guys were definitely not prepared for the reality of getting in their mouth. Only a couple were grossed out though.”
17. A Double Surprise
“Had a ex who said she liked it rough… I went into her room made out, she opened a closet full of a bunch of leather gear and whips and chains…. we ended our relationship because she liked it rough with other guys.”
18. She Had A Gift
“My friend’s girlfriend’s older sister came to our college town to visit one weekend. Fast forward to post-bars, she’s riding my fucking brains out in a way I had not experienced before. I mean this girl had a gift. Near the end I’m trying to hold on to my little soldiers, when she whispers, ‘I hope you’re ready to sleep in a puddle.’ I thought to myself, ‘I wonder wha- ‘ and boy was she not kidding about the puddle. Cutoff mid-thought to myself, I get drenched. So much that it splashed from my stomach to my face and some on the wall behind my head. Being my first experience, I was pretty shocked, especially with the 2.5 seconds of warning time I received.
Dated for about 8 months. Best sex ever. She had a gift, that’s for sure.”
19. Losing Control
“She said she ‘loses control’ and I thought she was just wild.
No. I should have asked for clarification.
Where will you be when diarrhea hits?”
20. Disney Tunes Make An Appearance
“She said she liked to hum during. Eh whatever. Fast forward to her humming ‘I’ll make a man out of you’ from Mulan with my dick in her mouth.”
21. Dude Thinks He’s A Wolf
“About two years ago I had started working at a new restaurant around the same time as this guy, let’s call him Jim. Jim was a great server and I had never gotten any red flags from hanging at the bar after shifts out with him, so when I heard from another coworker that he had gotten really drunk one night and asked ‘If you could kill, cook, and eat any one we work with, who would it be?’ I was pretty surprised. Everyone on the staff kind of brushed it off as just drunken ranting so I decided to as well.
We went out drinking one night and I invited him back to my place to smoke a blunt and talk. One thing that we discussed was how he felt that his spirit animal was a wolf (he was half Native American so again, brushed it off). We eventually got too fucked up, one thing led to another and we ended up naked in bed together. We started up and began getting into it, when he let out this deep growl. And I don’t just mean a sensual low growl. I mean like from his nose, loud SNARL, accompanied by a painful scratch down my back by his nails. I liked the kid well enough I just thought it was a one time thing. No, this happened every time we had sex following the first, eventually accompanied by him mentioning blood-letting, which was the sign for me to stop seeing him out side of work.”
