Since You Left, I’ve Been Finding Myself

Since you left, I’ve been trying to find you in everyone I’ve tried to love.

The shadow of your smile behind their playful grins. The way your eyes seem to look deep into my soul. The familiar crisp scent of you that I’m accustomed to. The perfect fit of how your hand slipped into mine. Our endless conversations that never seem to end.

You used to tell me how if you have a choice, you would choose me in any universe, over any life. Now I want to tell you how I would choose you over anyone always and forever.

Since you left, I’ve been searching for a goodbye more devastating than the hole you left in my heart.

As through only a greater magnitude of pain can remove this terrible sense of loss you struck me with when you walked out of my life without a backward glance.

I lost all sense of security and expect reality to shift at any moment. I sleep with my back tense so I can anticipate any sudden change. I keep a death grip on my suitcase so that the instance things look bleak, I am prepared to run and never look back.

I have become a shadow of my former self. Instead of loving openly, I’m cautious and scared. Instead of anticipating love to stay, I look for reasons how it won’t.

After you left, all I could see was the lack of you. All I knew was how broken I was without you. All I thought of was how I couldn’t do without you.

But since you left, I’m on the path to find myself. I’m still trying but I’m getting better.

The first few days without you were the hardest. I felt like I lost everything, including my will to live. I was a ship lost at the sea and I hoped the sea claimed me. I wanted my essence to be scattered across the Atlantic Ocean and every traces of me to find themselves back to you.

I begged the universe for you to come back.

You did not come back. But the universe gave me someone better: myself.

I grew to listen to my instincts and put myself first. I now hold myself as I break apart and slowly, pick up all the pieces and rebuild my life. I have learned to appreciate my own company.

Instead of living in the shadow of the past, being with people I have no interest in, and wasting precious times caring about others’ opinion, I now throw myself in the things that I love.

I read. I write. I run. I explore. I meditate.

For the first time, I’m able to be happy by myself. I’m able to go to your favorite places and create new memories. I’m able to read poetry and not think of how you used to love the ones I wrote for you.

I’m living well in spite of you. I’m stronger now because of you.