All The Things I Should Have Said To You

First off, to preface this, I want to echo something you wrote to me when you reached out to me way back when. I’m doing this for myself and for the cathartic release of finally saying the things that I should’ve said a long time ago. But I also hope this can be for you too.

I’m sorry I didn’t wish you a happy birthday this year. I wanted to, but I felt it wasn’t a good idea at the time.

Over these past couple months I’ve felt transformative experiences with all the thinking and reflecting and pondering and dreaming I’ve done. I feel like what we had and lost — what I had and lost – goes through a grief that fluctuates so much and it’s, like I said, transformative. Because since you’ve left, I’ve had a lot of alone time—and I mean a lot.

And at first it was bad for me; it was something I wallowed in. I had submerged myself in self-loathing, hatred, anger. When you isolate yourself, you just find more and more reasons to justify how stagnant you actually are. But when that pain and grief and isolation extends too far, you just have to wake the fuck up or you’re done.

You know me, it takes me a lot of words to say something very short and sweet and simple, and that’s that I’m sorry. I wish I could express it deeply.

I’m sorry for so much. I’m sorry for the lies. I’m sorry for trying to escape reality when I was with you. I’m sorry for the petty fights. I’m sorry for not appreciating the moments more with you. I’m just… sorry. I lost myself in a way where I had no clue who I was anymore.

You never deserved what happened. You cried so much. I cry thinking about how much you cried now. It hurts. I remember all the sweet letters we wrote to each other and about how you “deserved it all.” I didn’t live up to that and I should’ve — and I know how I said there are no “shoulds” in life and relationships, but I should’ve because that’s what you do for someone you love. But I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that.

Too many sorrys, right?

What happened to that person you first met?

So, one day I woke up and said that I was done, and that was it. And I’m so clear and I feel like I haven’t used that word in a while. I only wish I could’ve only done that when you were here. In fact, I should’ve. I could say both sorry to you and to myself for that one.

What I can say is that I’ve learned much about myself during this time and so much about our relationship. I’ve juggled and tossed every theory, hypothesis, idea, and thought as to what happened between us, so much so that at the end of it, I just realized that we weren’t ready to take on that chapter in our lives. You know, I do believe in Quantum Theory and parallel universes, and the reason I mention that is because maybe there was this parallel universe where we were together and I had my shit together, and so did you, and that would’ve been the right time because we would’ve been unstoppable and inseparable and it would’ve been electric like I said we were in the past.

But I guess that was in another universe. And that breaks my heart.

We have so much potential in this world.

So I’ve woken up to finally realize that I can’t wait on my parallel universe and that “we all have two lives… It’s just that the second one starts when we realize we only have one.” Confucius said that I believe.

So before I wrap this up, I have to touch on one more thing: You told me before you left that I didn’t love you. I want you to respectfully know that you’re wrong. It’s just that I didn’t love myself at the time. But that quote about how you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else is kinda bullshit, I think. In fact, I believe you can hold space for someone to love and that loves you while, in turn, learning to love yourself. That’s a “no doubt” from me. So thank you for having loved me.

I just wanted you to know.

I hope you’re pursuing your dreams, whether that be psychology or writing or whatever. You’re such a versatile human. I hope you don’t hurt as much anymore. I hope you surround yourself with beautiful souls and hearts and people and animals. I hope that if you are with someone or will be, that they treat you as the queen you deserve to be treated as — as you reciprocate that same love. And I hope you find as much peace in this as I do.