Losing A Friend Can Be Worse Than Heartbreak

I didn’t want to believe that was the last time I would see you.

You hugged me tight through my tears, then you turned to leave, and I watched you walk away in my rearview mirror. God knows if I knew that was the last time I’d see you, I would trade a hundred tomorrow’s just to have one last day, so I can move on and live my life in peace without you.

I would have one more glass of wine with you, one more time talking about our futures over sad-looking hamburgers, and one more time knowing that you genuinely valued my presence and my friendship. I would pause time in those moments, just so I could preserve the contentment, happiness, and privilege of knowing someone who understood me so well – if only I knew back then that losing a friend could be worse than a heartbreak.

Believe it or not, life doesn’t work in ways you sometimes expect it to. It doesn’t always give you another “one more time”, a chance to say goodbye, to say an apology, to fix your mistakes, or to tell someone how much they mean to you. It doesn’t always allow you to keep the people you imagined were going to be by your side through hell and back.

Life lets you experience letdowns that are sometimes so soul-crushing, even if those letdowns come from people you trusted so deeply. It takes away a piece of you that you know you’ll never find, even though you’ll search for it in being with other people or doing other things.

I incessantly ask myself questions to which I will never get an answer, but the most painful and frightening realization is the knowledge that I may never feel that strangely comfortable level of ease again, and I’m going to have to live with that.

I don’t know exactly what I would say if I were to see you again, but I promise the words I have to say are kind. I promise I still care about you from afar, and I only wish you the world. I’ll always appreciate how you made my days better, and how you made my troubles fade away when I was with you. This heavy pain I’m presently feeling will pass – it’s only temporary, and only time can mend the past.

When I heal, I’ll realize why you walked out of my life. This wasn’t the right time or place for our friendship to continue, even though you were the one person I spilled all my inner thoughts to. That has to be okay, even if I’m not okay at all. But if we decide to cross paths again, I’ll be happy to see you again. Please know that I will be there for you, and that I forgive you. 

In my mind, I have a collection of the most memorable times, a time where my outlook on life was as bright as the summer sun, and I was filled with the kindness and hope you shared with me. I still remember all the little things you told me, little details that appear here and there in my everyday life. One day, they too will vanish from my mind one by one, so it won’t hurt as much anymore, and the burden will be lifted off my chest.

In case we never speak again, I hope I won’t need any more “one more times”, because the happiness you gave me will never be forgotten.