I’m Slowly Learning How To Take Up Space

I used to wonder if I was too much.

I wondered if I told people what I needed, or worse, what I wanted, would they leave me? Would they decide I wasn’t worth the effort, confirming a deep-rooted fear I wasn’t ready to face? Would they abandon me in search of something effortless?

I used to wonder if I was too much.

I wondered if I spoke my mind, if I used my voice to dissent, would the people in my life stay? Would they see my opposition as a sense of entitlement or as naivety? Would they tell me my voice didn’t matter, perpetuating this idea that women should stay silent and compliant?

I used to wonder if I was too much.

I wondered if I shared my anxiety, if I asked someone to help bear the burden that threatened to drag me under, would they still want me? Would they see the broken pieces I hid so well and run?

I used to wonder if I was too much.

I wondered if I took up too much space in people’s lives, would they decide there wasn’t room for me? Would they decide I wasn’t worth the space I took up? I wondered if I was worth the space I took up.

These uncertainties used to weigh me down, hold me back. They convinced me to minimize myself and reduce the amount of space I take up in the world and in the lives of other people. These uncertainties convinced me to violate my own boundaries in order to keep relationships intact.

I used to wonder if I was too much, but now I’m learning that I am just enough.

I’m learning that I am worth the space I take up, the oxygen I consume. I used to wonder if I was too much because I didn’t value myself. I placed my worth in others’ hands, which taught me to bend until I fit whatever image of me they had formed.

I’m learning to be kind to myself because growth is a process, and I have to give myself time to unlearn these negative thought patterns that convinced me to diminish myself, to present a watered down version of who I really am.

I’m so good at holding space for people, giving them the freedom and security to be exactly who they are. Now I’m learning how to do that for myself, how to let others do that for me.

I used to wonder if I was too much, but now I’m learning how to take up space.