You buy vegetables at farmer’s market — carrying their ostentatiously exposed stems and leaves in an artistic canvas tote bag purchased at Etsy — and render them into soup that day while listening to NPR solemnly address contemporary issues.

It’s not like I want to marry or date you. I just want to kiss you. There’s something about our dynamic that intrigues me and I don’t think I’ll figure it out until we kiss.

12. Type a long angry text. You don’t actually have to send the text to anyone but it’ll feel good just to get the words out.

Thailand, Thailand. I clung to it like it was salvation.

Yes, they say the early bird gets the worm but only if a productive night owl isn’t there to snatch it first.

Use our bodies as a chalkboard. In high school, passing the time in class usually meant writing your friends notes and drawing all over their arms with Sharpies. WTF was that about? If a friend tried to draw on my arm today, I’d tell them to back up or else I’m calling the police!!!

The following are five short story collections that deserve a good deal of praise because they do precisely that: they make you care. They suck you in. They stick to you.

Can we wait until it’s at least 75 degrees outside, everyone? Jesus.

4. When you’re walking or standing and people behind you start laugh.

Dress like it’s 60 degrees out even though it is not.