I Fear That I Am Not Capable Of Love

I am afraid I am not capable of loving someone.

I thought I was in love once. I thought that it was a forever thing, that we were soulmates, twisted in each other’s lives by the weird ways that life worked. I had this aching in my body when he wasn’t around. I had this joy to hear from him whenever he called. I had this desire to want to have it all with him. I had spent years missing him when he was gone and had moved on to someone else. I thought I was in love once, but I was in it alone.

I am scared that I will not be able to give myself away.

Like I had the first time. I didn’t hold back with him. I didn’t stop myself from telling him everything. I didn’t stop myself from being a crazy fool when I first fell. I didn’t stop myself from falling on my own. I couldn’t stop myself from losing myself when he left. I can’t stop myself from thinking that I am now damaged goods.

I am afraid I will never have that feeling again.

I am drowning with love when I come home to my fur child, when he is running circles around my feet and excited to see me, making me want to shed tears of joy. I immersed in my favorite song when it comes on the radio, putting joy through my heart and lifting my spirits, making my heart want to explode with happiness. I am overwhelmed when I have a day that was just genuinely good and feel blessed in life. I finally can feel happiness when I look in the mirror, knowing how far I have come and proud of the person I have become. But then the past creeps up. And I’m scared to feel that love feeling again.

I fear that I am going to be alone forever.

I have become so comfortable on my own that I am afraid to try again. I have become so used to doing things on my own that I am nervous to include someone else. I have become so confident in myself that I am afraid adding someone else into the mix will take me back to my old ways: alone in love. I have become so set in my habits that I am reluctant to share the joy I have created. I have too much pride in the present that I fear it will affect my future.

I am nervous to admit that I can still let the past affect me.

I am not a non-believer; I know that love exists. I sense it in the people around me. I see it in their eyes, in the way that they look at the person they need to be around. I see it in the motions, always needing to be by their side. I see it in their actions, giving themselves over to someone else. I see it in their words, always careful of the other person’s heart. So why not me?

I am afraid I am not meant for someone else.

I am so full of love to give. It is easy to make someone fall in love with you, but to return that love? That is the difficult part. I have been so close, just to have history repeat itself. I have had so many come in my path that I should have been with, that I know my heart should have wanted, that I should have given a chance to, but I couldn’t make it happen. I couldn’t make my heart choose them. I couldn’t make my heart fall for something that it didn’t need. It has always chosen the one that will hurt me the worst.

I fear that I was not born to love someone else.

Everyone has a soulmate, or so they say, but maybe some aren’t meant to. Maybe some are meant to run wild. Maybe some are meant to be free. Maybe some are meant to give their love elsewhere. Maybe some are meant to be the teachers of love to those who do not appreciate it enough, to show them the errors in their ways.
Maybe some weren’t born with the intention of finding someone else to care for, but to be mere spectators in this twist thing we call love. And maybe that’s me.