I Wasted All My Wishes On You

I wasted all my wishes on you.
I tried to fit myself into the empty spaces between your words.
I don’t know what it was about you
that made me feel alive after being dead inside.

I’m tired doesn’t really mean I am tired anymore,
it means I’m too sad to feel fully awake.
When I look back it feels like I was actually alone
all those years, like I had been living with a ghost or an idea.
It’s not that the memory of you is gone,
it’s that the memory of me before you is.
I am born again in my loneliness.

I knew this time we broke up was the
last time we would break-up because I don’t
have it in me to keep trying to love someone who doesn’t accept me.
I know if I am alone forever it will be better
than being with you and I hope you feel the same,
or rather I hope that eventually you will.

I only dream in black and white now.
I only see the point of things.

The world isn’t as vibrant as it was when
I could see it through your eyes.
I have forgotten the color of your lips;
Your eyes,
Your skin,
What your favorite color is.

What is color but a distraction?
Everything feels like a distraction now.

I haven’t figured out how to exist without you
but I couldn’t exist with you either.
I am sure more than just my heart is broken
but I’m not sure what that means.
I miss you almost everyday and twice on Friday nights…

I see your face in the clouds,
Hear your voice in my favorite songs,
Smell you in my sheets,
Taste you in the numbing potions I consume,
Feel you in the parts of me you built.

Maybe moving on isn’t the right word,
It seems more like falling forward,
Face-planting into each passing day.

I go without thinking of you now sometimes for days,
Only to be asked by everyone what happened between us,
Asked why what seemed like true love failed,
Asked how this happened,

I try not to but I tell them the story
of the little green monster that grew until
you were someone no one knew.