10 Lessons As Sung By The Spice Girls

1. “I want a man not a boy who thinks he can”

This is the line that inspired this post. After the now infamous Sticky Date Thief ate my dessert, made me pay for half of dinner before getting totally wasted, throwing up in my bathroom and passing out on my bed in a deep slumber from which he could not be woken and from which his chainsaw-eque snores could not be ignored, I said the very same thing to my friend Kristi on Gchat the next day (because I’m just that Gen Y, bee-atch).

I also have the distinct memory of being about 13-years-old and teaching my 8-year-old cousin a fairly sexy routine to ‘Too Much’ in which we gyrated against each other and touched our own spider bites (breasts) in front of our entire family. Mum had to pull me into a separate room and explain why this was completely inappropriate. I’m still a little bit embarrassed.

2. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”

As a girl I remember giggling about this and imagining some kind of mass orgy (yes I was a little pervert), but now I can’t think of a truer thing in the world. You’d be surprised how many guys seem to go out of their way to ignore my friends, or even to bitch about them to me after a first meeting. I’d suggest that if you don’t like the idea of being kicked to the curb then you better get with my goddamned friends, guy, because not only are they going to be in my life long after you’ve screwed me over, they also know exactly what your cum face looks like and every little detail pertaining to your penis (yep, size, girth and how plentiful/dismal your load is).

3. “Flamenco, lambada, but hip hop is harder”

No really, it’s true. I used to dance hip hop in school and that shit’s not easy.

4. “I didn’t want to hear it then but I’m not ashamed to say it now—every little thing you said and did was right for me”

If you haven’t picked up that I’m a complete mamma’s girl by now then something is getting lost in the subtext and you need to brush up on your comprehension skills. When mum used to ban me from parties or give my 16-year-old self perfectly reasonable midnight curfews I used to storm into my room crying and door slamming, throw myself into the centre of the floor and sob loudly while I played the Spice Girls and longed for the day when I would be able to comprehend why, why this terrible bitch wanted to make my life a total misery.

5. “Teach never preach, listen up and take heed”

Basically, don’t be a self-important, condescending cunt and we’ll be fine.

6. “Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind”

I’m pretty sure the battle for my all time favourite Spice Girl song is between this one and ‘Say You’ll Be There,’ but I think I just like the amazing outfits, Baby Spice’s hair and futuristic desert backdrop in the ‘Say You’ll Be There’ video. This is how I’m living my life at the moment—it’s hand to mouth and somehow being down on the dollars turns everything in to one huge fucking party. Not a party where everyone is fucking, per se, just a party that’s so good its goodness needs to be emphasised with profanity i.e. “THIS FUCKING PARTY RULES, DUDE!”

7. “Don’t be afraid to stare, she is only naked”

One of the lovliest feelings is to walk down the street with hundreds of other people in the quiet knowledge that underneath you all have sexy bits and skin and little hairs and moles and other junk all over the place. The naked body is wonderful, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be sexualised—we do however, have to stop being so embarrassed and ashamed! Power to the booby!

8. “Just girl power is all we need”

As well as strength, courage and a wonder bra, apparently.

9. “Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are”

I recently read a brilliant article about how women are, generally, less likely than men to boast about their ability or show aggression when seeking out employment. Since then, I’ve approached people in more of a manner that says “you need me—here’s why,” and without resorting to being a complete asshole (simply by showing a bit of gumption and self-confidence) I’ve managed to secure some writing jobs I was previously afraid to even enquire about. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! FUCK ZEN! GO SPICE INSTEAD! THE 90S RULE! GO GINGER!

10. “You’ll always be someone’s baby”

Even if it is the really annoying guy you’re fucking at the moment who wont stop calling you baby no matter how many times you slap him in the head for it.