Johanna Mort

As soon as Kevin got suspicious that his whole family was missing, he would have sent off a quick text just to be sure that Santa hadn’t kidnapped all of them. Problem solved. The movie’s over in about 20 minutes.

“First Day Of My Life” by Bright Eyes

So. Many. Feelings. Can’t. Handle.

“Number two sexiest female organ: the butt. Number one sexiest female organ: the brain. The ba-donk-a-donk and the ba-think-a-think.”

You’re not afraid to rock out to some killer instrumentals. Bro. Did you HEAR the French horn at 1:33?? F*cking badass!!

“I am no princess. I am Ursula the Sea Witch.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this moment for exactly 4,954 days (or 13 years, 6 months, 23 days). BUT WHO’S COUNTING.

“Hasn’t Trump seen World War Z? Wall’s no good. Zombies or immigrants just pile up until they’re taller than the wall, roll over it”

“We’d been dating seriously for a year and a half and he still didn’t feel like it was time to meet my family.”

“I want our love to be like the Benghazi Committee; irrational and never ending.”

“ThisValentinesDayI will spend an extra hour getting ready for Netflix and chill.”

“I figure if I’m gonna be a mess, I might as well be a hot mess.”