Jimmy Chen

The following are abrasive rhetorical questions concerning this Depressive’s anatomy and sexual prowess, asked sarcastically at his formspring account, slightly edited for formality.

Necessity was the mother of invention, now consumerism is. A recent trip to Bed Bath & Beyond overwhelmed me so much, I did some subsequent research and have compiled the ultimate guide to bedding.

The writer of this article is suffering from allergies, and has blown his nose into the same paper napkin 4 – 5 times, depositing more mucous than napkin was designed to handle. The setting western sun throws itself as some intimate cosmic slut onto two people before me.

In the late 20th century, perhaps as existential concession to the futility of remaining attractive after marriage, and in part due to the late capitalist compulsion to buy crap indiscriminately, something awful happened known as Mom Jeans.

Jared Leto has played Kurt Cobain, rather well I admit, actually singing “Pennyroyal Tea,”  resulting in a quick google yield that presented me with Leto’s band 30 Seconds to Mars, as I was not aware the dude could sing. Yes, pop gets confusing and incestuous after a while. Too many creative freaks inside the kiddy pool.

These funny looking eyes adorning our most heralded sex icons and female celebrities are so enjoyable, surreal, and uncanny —  exposing the artifice of their sheen into some internal sleep-deprived struggle, as portrayed by these sunken post-manic Buscemi eyes.

These parties incur the indiscretions of full on fellatio and, sometimes, its terminate gesture the facial. Some of the more coy women have their friend next to them hold up a towel to block the view from others, a sort of prelude to the towel’s ultimate capacity.

Men are boring, and will always be. After dinner he’ll try to kiss you, and you may concede, lightly leaning in with mild acceptance, your lips pensively sealed as you feel a tepid patch of wet on your cheek, a lost ship moving towards the mouth. You will become a name he’ll ask about years later, a face he never dared to see on his pillow thinned out by a million lies.

I smacked a co-worker’s ass, I work in a kitchen as a dishwasher, I’m a college undergrad student. She was extremely upset, I have since stopped working there and been filled with shame, guilt, and mild depression. What should I do to get over it?

Our colloquially disenfranchised youth of the suburbs deserve a voice not observed by the more gritty Urban Dictionary; and so, we hereby inaugurate Suburban Dictionary, offering its first entries.

Second base, per Wikipedia, is “tactile stimulation of genitalia”; this does not mention if such stimulation needs to be direct contact with flesh. For example, if a guy “dry humps” a woman who’s wearing denim overalls or a ski-jacket, can he consider himself at second base? At what point does the article of clothing’s thickness preclude second base?

I know how you feel, sorry buddy. Your dopamine levels are really low, and you need some reward signaling mechanism in your brain quick – and this calls for high levels of saturated fat and sodium. Tonight you will eat what I eat when I’m depressed: Death Crunch.