Contraceptive Methods Ranked By Male Pleasure

Method: Condom
Summary: Sperm is thwarted.
Commentary: Our general ambivalence with condoms is more than just sensory. It is existential, for the male has an anthropological imperative to inseminate his partner in order to propagate his genes. Such conquest, Darwinian in nature, heightens this intrinsically invasive act. With a condom, the male is subdued by the prospect of having his “load” hindered, and may even soften inside one. There is nothing sadder than a limp dick inside a saggy condom, our female partner asking “what’s wrong?” Ejaculating inside a condom is akin to a clipped punchline, like reading only the first two lines of a haiku. In essence, relative to the sperm’s point of view, it’s like making love to the condom. Of flavored condoms, one wonders why pickle was never a flavor.
Chance of pregnancy: 2%
Other factors: Female may evasively poke holes in condom as manipulative measure; unpleasant rubbery smell/taste; condom size discrepancy with anatomy may depress wearer.
Male pleasure (out of five): ★