eHarmony Minority Report

Scroll down in eHarmony’s main page and you’ll find, in the squeamish “fine print” area—as a kind of concession, embarrassed apology, or a coerced progressiveness even—a list of “alternative” routes by which one, were they so colored or goddamned gay, could attempt to meet someone of their kind. It is widely known that eHarmony is implicitly Christian, white, and collectively marriage material: well-adjusted (cough) desperate and habitually alone people who’d prefer a wedding ring to a cock or nuva ring. But in the Free-market waters of commerce, this company must also compete with “dirtier” dating sites such as OkCupid, Match, DateHookup, PlentyOfFish, Grindr, or your local Craigslist freak fest. Shall we meet these lively deviators, at whom the saved look with tempered derision?

Asian Dating – Susan and Sang Wang, Wong, or Chong are happy, if by “happy” you mean the sustained countenance of deference, the embracing of Western values (e.g. consumerism, materialism) more so than the West. This was Mao’s fault, but that’s another day. Asian-Americans are notoriously unreceptive to modern psychiatry, or even psychology, so however much Celexa, Ativan, or Xanax might help, you’ll have to let these Type-A 6-figure SUVers heave their way into greater and greater prospects. With a cultural penchant for denial over undiagnosed depression, codependence over love, resentment over acceptance, we’ll give Sang Chong five years at most before he empties his bank account with divorce lawyer fees, alimony, and Thai masseuses. Every sad ending deserves a happy one too.