Dear Depressive: A Compendium

Question No. 1

I smacked a co-worker’s ass, I work in a kitchen as a dishwasher, I’m a college undergrad student. She was extremely upset, I have since stopped working there and been filled with shame, guilt, and mild depression. What should I do to get over it?

I’m assuming you are male, so smacking female ass is historically and anthropologically much more ponderous than a female smacking male ass. Age is also a key variable. If there is only a 2-3 year age difference (you being older) then it’s rather “cute”; but if the age difference is +7 years (i.e. she’s 16 and you are 23), then it’s borderline “creepy.” Also, we must broach upon “power,” in terms of gender and socio-economics. If you are a dishwasher, you are powerless, thus your ass-smacking is okayish. Were you the Manager or CEO’s son, that would have been very bad. Ass-smacking is very complicated. Are you white? God, I hope you didn’t smack colored ass, as that would be horrible. But this is not your question, rather, how to get over it. My answer is this: Relax, you are young. God gave us 1 soul and 2 asses, so take that as a hint. I encourage you to return to your former place of employment, and deep-fry your personal corn dog inside her hysterical oven. An orgasm is a dense prayer, and God likes watching.

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Question No. 2

I’m a 20-year-old who is going to “hang out” and have drinks with a 26-year-old alt female, what are courtship dating rituals of the over 25 crowd?

Sweet ass job on cougar village (relatively). Women change drastically per their age, and 26 is a typical “breaking point.” When they are 25 and under, they like “cool” dudes like Johnny Depp or Bret Michaels. They don’t care about money and stuff. You can take her to Taco Bell and barf on carpet, as long as you look like Jared Leto it’s all good. Over 30 the bio-clock hits and they suddenly want a stable career and okay character/genes. But we are focusing on 26-30, which is the Ambling Towards Denial years. These chicks — having gone through the vapidity of cool — are starting to want a “real” man, though still clinging on to the adolescent idea of image and lifestyle, like they’ll like Adam Sandler because he’s sort of cool still, yet has a mansion. Looks matter less and less at this point. In short, you need to be “cool” but show her that you can hold down a job and be a dad still. Problem is you’re 20, and she will know you can’t do that yet. I have a feeling she thinks you are really hot. Okay, new plan. Just wear Axe cologne and maybe let your left nut slip out when the fried calamari arrives. Tell her you read Camus, too. 0mg you’re totes gonna blow your wad tonight with/in/on her send pic(s) please.

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Question No. 3

Any advice for a 20-year-old female who is in love you?

Omg/sweet, okay, this is how it’s gonna roll. You send me a high-resolution .tiff or .png of your naked body, preferably pouting into the camera for POV purposes, let’s say a good 4000 pixel width. I’ll print your image out on a Japanese Dakimakura (???) “hugging pillow,” generally fashioned for lonely companionship. I need to remember not to have the pillow made out of “down” (i.e. goose feathers) as I am allergic to them. I will proceed to bang this pillow — wait this is not advice, sorry. My advice is try to meet a regular 22-24 year old bro, just out of college with a B.S. in Physics (it can be applied to economics and/or computers, where the big $ is at). Move to a suburb 33-37 minutes from Boston. Do not adopt any children from China/Africa, and start voting Republican. Buy expensive jam made by local spinsters. On your porch at 6:22 pm, while “he” is attending his PS3 or Wii, have 3-4 Gin highballs for me, with the sad amber slanted sunset pink betwixt the uncoiled weave of your hair, and I will smell each strand as if it were a thin hanging lost melody from Debussy, sung in mind in his, as a boy, when, to his ma, he was simply Claude.