Review of Big Sausage Pizza

Big Sausage Pizza is a porn franchise featuring male delivery men who ostensibly deliver pizzas with centers cut out, through which their cocks manifest for unsuspecting patrons, who while at first subdued, are eventually seduced by such evocative measures. When the boxes are opened, as rhetorical commentary, the women look happily shocked, and soon initiate oral and/or manual techniques a thousand years old.

Such enterprise, of course, is well choreographed by a professional team in the adult entertainment business. One cannot actually order a pizza from “Big Sausage Pizza,” and these accommodating patrons are porn actresses. All porn is theater. All the world’s a stage, so long as it’s not Stage 2 herpes. It’s possible that the pizzas are indeed eaten, but by the production crew.

Good times aside, there is technical problem concerning narrative consistency. The delivery man is first shown carrying the box conventionally, clearly away from his crotch. He’ll sit down on a kitchen chair or living room couch and casually bring the box over his lap—then a sudden choppy cut, clearly edited, to him opening the box and exposing his erect penis sticking out of the pizza. Anyone who is not daft can see this does not make sense.

Also, most excited about his imminent prospects, the delivery man will likely have an erection before the box is opened, a physical protrusion which would prevent the box from closing fully. A more realistic account would be a box around 15° ajar.

Our couple soon engage in coitus independent of the pizza; it was only a prop, a mere courtship emblem with extra cheese. Placed to the side, already forgotten, our couple proceed to “do it” ever naturally. This contributor, for one, experiences a nostalgia for the pizza-past, a time of chivalry and delivery.

While Big Sausage Pizza has a monopoly on the market, the generic “pizza cock” motif has been around since the 80s, preceding SNL’s “Dick in a Box” (2006) digital short by decades—and as humorous and well-executed as the latter video is, it sadly does not contain a food product. (The “Dick in Popcorn” concept is less effective, as it takes longer for the imminent sexual partner to discover the dick, only to be visually obscured by the bag.) Excessively greasy, the pizza is the perfect motif with which the amorous and somewhat disgusting conceit of dinner-meets-fellatio is conveyed.

Unfortunately, there are many “amateur” interpretations of Big Sausage Pizza—the problem is these are always executed by men without the company of women; meaning, it’s just them with their dick through a slice of pizza. These men seemed to have either misunderstood the allure behind “pizza cock,” or taken gross liberties with its concept. Put simply, one cannot grab a slice of pizza and puncture it with their cock. That is not appealing, nor it is porn.

One may consider, as a tangent, the subversive and somewhat culinary act of sticking one’s cock inside a pie, long since in practice but made popular, and perhaps legitimized, by American Pie (1999). In this case, the motive for intra-cock is strictly sensory, without the “higher” aesthetic inclinations of Big Sausage Pizza, which makes you appreciate the latter. True, there are those who will assert that pizza is actually a pie, but now aren’t we just arguing semantics?