1. JOINED AT THE HIP

“My girlfriend’s best friend is like her conjoined twin—they are joined at the hip and we literally can’t go anywhere without her best friend tagging along like a desperate puppy. Somebody help—her best friend comes with us everywhere! When I got involved with my girlfriend, I didn’t think I was signing onto a package deal, or I never would have signed on in the first place. Her friend just jams her way into everything we do like a crowbar trying to break into a locked door. She’s like a movie monster—‘The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.’”

—Matt, 28

2. I CAN’T SEEM TO KILL THEIR BROMANCE

“My boyfriend’s best friend is a total over-the-top super-obnoxious bro that I want to punch whenever I see his fucking face. He’s like Jersey Shore level but worse, if you can even imagine. He’s a womanizer, douchebag, dudebro, and prick all wrapped up in the same cologne-scented package. Makes me wonder how much of the Single Jerk is still in my boyfriend, you know? I wonder how much of my boyfriend is still all ‘bros before hos’ and never grew out of being a frat boy. He spends more time with his ‘main bro’ than he does with me. When he’s around him, it’s like he’s 14. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a 14-year-old. Half the time I think they’re gay for each other.”

—Cyndi, 24

3. SHE’S SO CATTY, SHE NEEDS A LITTER BOX

“My girlfriend’s so-called ‘BFF’ is so catty, she needs a litter box. She talks shit about my girlfriend to me and talks shit about me to my girlfriend. She’s read The Secret and is always telling me that whenever something bad happens to me in my life, it’s the result of me sending out bad vibes and that I must have acquired a lot of bad karma from my previous actions. I wish I could stuff her in a shoebox and send her to Mars. Best friends are like the mothers-in-law of dating.”

—Kyle, 23

4. WE’D MURDER EACH OTHER IF WE COULD

“My. Boyfriend’s. Best. Friend. And. I. Just. Do. NOT. Like. Each. Other. At. ALL. Can’t stand. For, like, even a minute. Hate him so much, I want to eat his face. It’s like war. Like a test of wills. If me and my boyfriend’s best pal could murder one another, I think we would. I’ve made it quite clear that I hate his best friend. It’s like my boyfriend winds up being a referee between two teams. His best friend is, of course, single, and for multiple reasons that have everything to do with looks AND personality. But as bad as his looks are, his personality is even worse. He is dangling from a tiny string that hangs from the end of my last nerve. If I have to get rid of my boyfriend to get this other guy out of my life, it’s becoming hard to see the downside of that.”

—Jenna, 23

5. SHE LIVES WITH HIM!

“My girlfriend LIVES with her best friend, and it’s a GUY. Now, I’m not a naive person, but I don’t think there’s anything sexual going on. This is a guy that she friend-zoned about ten years ago but that she still uses for favors such as rides to the airport. These days she’s a little down on her luck because her job hours got cut back, so she’s renting out a room in his house. ‘It’s not my fault that my best friend has a penis,’ she tells me. Once when she and I got into a really horrible argument, she said that if she had to pick between me and him, she’d pick him! She didn’t mean as a boyfriend—she just meant that being friends with him came before being my girlfriend. But the problem is that I didn’t offer her an ultimatum. She picked him over me without even being asked.”

—Jim, 31

6. THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD DO FOR A BEST FRIEND?

“My boyfriend’s best friend is SUCH a fuckup! Sometimes I wonder how he’s even able to get his underwear on and find his way to the refrigerator in the morning. I mean, what does it say about my boyfriend that his best friend is so worthless? You can tell a lot about a person by their best friend, right? I notice little quirks in how they both behave, and now I’m starting to hate them both because of it. My boyfriend’s best friend has me starting to question why I even liked my boyfriend in the first place.”

—Erica, 22

7. HE’S ALWAYS TRYING TO BREAK US UP

“The minute we had our first fight, my boyfriend called his best friend, who shrugged and said, ‘Well, that’s over.’ He’s always encouraging my boyfriend to break up with me and telling him that I’m beneath him. He’s threatened by me because he doesn’t have any other friends besides my boyfriend. He’s always trying to hook him up with other girls. When I complain about it to my boyfriend, he just tells me to chill and that I’m taking it too seriously.”

—Jess, 25

8. WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON

“I have absolutely NOTHING in common with my boyfriend’s best friend. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I would not spend any time with him if given the choice. This is someone I’d never choose in a billion years to spend a minute of my life with if I wasn’t obligated to do so. I don’t like hanging out with him, PERIOD. I know that if he recommends a movie I will hate it, and if he says some club in town is great, I will do my best to avoid it.”

—Amy, 21

9. MY BOYFRIEND IGNORES ME COMPLETELY WHEN WE ALL HANG OUT

“When we all hang together—which is far too often—my boyfriend ignores me completely. It’s like I’m not there. It’s like he suddenly switches into his real self and doesn’t even see me. I become a ghost to him until he’s back alone with me. It makes me feel like a second-class citizen in my own relationship. When you’re in a relationship, your first priority should be your lover, not your friends. I don’t care how long you’ve known them.”

—Rose, 26

10. HER BEST FRIEND ALWAYS INSULTS ME

“This super-bitch openly insults me in front of my girlfriend, and my girlfriend never jumps to my defense. If they start drinking together, they feed off each other and actually BOTH start talking shit about me. Not cool. I hate when anyone disrespects their significant other in front of someone else. Totally uncool. I’m ready to dump them both and wash my hands of the whole mess.”

—Marc, 22

11. HER GIRLFRIEND IS ALWAYS COMING ON TO ME

“Her best friend is killing it by coming on to me all the time. She has sexted me, sent nude pics, winks at me, licks her lips and smiles, the whole nine yards. I’ve told my girlfriend, and she gets angry at me instead and accuses me of making it all up. And I’d fuck her best friend if I wanted to, but I’m not attracted to her. But I think her end game is to break the two of us up, and it seems to be working.”

—Tom, 21

12. SHE KNOWS EVERY LAST DETAIL ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP

“OK, this is what I hate—whenever there’s the slightest problem between me and my girlfriend, she runs sobbing to her best friend and shares every last detail. Women tell each other everything—far more than guys do. I don’t appreciate this girl knowing every tiny detail about my dick, how well I eat pussy (or how well I don’t), how I once cried and begged for her to come back, why I’ll never talk to my father again, or just about any intimate detail that I wasn’t willing to personally share with her. It just demolishes the trust.”

—Ryan, 22

13. I SHOULD BE THE ONE HE CALLS HIS BEST FRIEND

“When I told my boyfriend that he spends too much time with his best friend and not me, do you know what he said? ‘Well, he’s my best friend!’ I told him that I should be his best friend, that lovers are more than just people who have sex and that they share each other’s deepest secrets and have one another’s backs in times of trouble. He just looked at me with his mouth hanging open like he didn’t understand a word I said.”

—Sarah, 33