How I Should Have Said Goodbye
In a long, drawn-out email, I defended myself from all the real and/or imaginary faults I believed she silently leveled against me.
How They Said Goodbye: “Anyway, good luck. I’m back to work.”
How I Said Goodbye: “Okay, talk to you later?”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “Good luck to you as well, and with everything, future husband, job changes, retirement. Your children and grandchildren, I hope they’re as adorable as they are in your dreams.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “Well, we can talk about your questions if you want. But not right at this moment because I have to go eat.”
How I Said Goodbye: In a long and plaintive blog post, I, unfairly, wrote about her less than favorably
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “You’ve answered my questions. I’m being a baby. You’re just very attractive and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with never touching your butt again. That’s my struggle, though, and I shouldn’t drag you down with me. Best of everything.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “Heya, yeah, I think you shouldn’t count on my eggs. You might rather consider other protein sources.”
How I Said Goodbye: In a long, drawn-out email, I defended myself from all the real and/or imaginary faults I believed she silently leveled against me.
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: Might sound crazy, but I later thought it would’ve been memorable to go her flower shop and buy a bouquet, one she clearly wouldn’t have thought I could afford, then, in front her and all her workers, drop it on the floor the way a singer drops a microphone and walks offstage, then just leave — the little bell attached to the hinge of the door jingling — without saying a thing.
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How They Said Goodbye: “Do you happen to have a copy of my old profile? I have a friend who wants to make one and see mine as an example, but I deleted pretty much everything.”
How I Said Goodbye: “Haha, no, I don’t. That’d be super weird.”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “For the sake of the one you’ll meet next, you should grow up a bit. Also, Yale is not better than Harvard. I know I told you it was, but I was trying to make you feel okay about your choices in life.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “I do, however, think you’re a fun guy, and would be down to hang out as friends in the future.”
How I Said Goodbye: “I have to say, I find it hard to believe you’re looking to be friends with someone you just met from an online dating website.”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “For sure, maybe we could go shopping? I can help pick out an outfit for the next date you go on?”
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How They Said Goodbye: “I’m just looking for someone who’s settled in their life and no longer ‘yearning.'”
How I Said Goodbye: In a message months later over Twitter, “Yearning?”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: Well, here, I should have said goodbye in just about any other way. Though, in fairness, she did write the yearning bit three weeks after our date, one where it was agreed we’d be seeing each other again, but, then, after days of getting nothing by text I asked her what happened, then, after more nothing, over three weeks of silence, she wrote the thing about yearning. To add to that, after later reading her blog posts from that timeframe, I saw she’d been dumped, “suddenly,” by a guy from OkCupid and so it’s assured that she, one, had the time to write me, and, two, since she’d been dumped, felt guilty about what she’d done. So, I think, even now, the tiniest bit of Twitter junk talk is allowable. Maybe not, though, I don’t know. This is, after all, how I should have said goodbye
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How They Said Goodbye: “I’m still hung up on the guy from Boston & I’m apparently not ready to date quite yet.”
How I Said Goodbye: In a text a week or so later, very late at night, “I remember the painter I was trying to think of, it was Vermeer!”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “Clearly, and not to upset you, because, really, what you’ve said is understandable, but we both know you’re not hung-up on someone else. And I don’t bring this up just because of your tremendous body or your very good face but because our date had gone so nicely. As well, and not to say that this is, in any way, an indication of your love or of wanting me over to your place for hot sex forever, but you didn’t budge when the check came for dinner and you didn’t so much as look at your purse while we were in line for Moonrise Kingdom. Now, I do get it, we don’t know each other, but is it really best to lie in these situations? Some people feel it is, I know, and so maybe you were doing what you thought was right and you do have a good heart. Or, maybe, it’s just that you’re made of ash. Either way, good luck.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “I hope you find what you’re looking for!”
How I Said Goodbye: In a long, drawn-out email, I defended myself from all the real and/or imaginary faults I believed she silently leveled against me.
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: “For the next guy, don’t use an exclamation mark last, it rings so hollow.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “Hope you’re doing great!”
How I Said Goodbye: “Thanks, hope you are, too.”
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: In an aerial advertisement, “For the next guy, don’t use an exclamation mark last, it rings so hollow.”
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How They Said Goodbye: “I’m sorry, Jeffrey, I just don’t want to see you again.”
How I Said Goodbye: By saying nothing
How I Should Have Said Goodbye: By saying nothing, as it’s the only thing to say. 
