January Nelson

The friend you inexplicably need to make out with, tonight. The kid who used to name his bongs and was universally regarded as “too short” by the female population of your high school is now a well-spoken, well-dressed, “not too short” dude with an interesting job and what the hell are we even talking about, just make out with me.

Every relationship is a unique, special snowflake – until it dissolves. Then its contents are reduced to cliché-riddled proclamations and accusations. Breakups bring the crappy screenwriter out in all of us.

Pop Rocks: Pro: Classmates fawn over you when they’re in your mouth. Con: Head explodes if mixed with soda. Victory Candy Cigarettes: Pro: Look like a boss. Con: Head shakes and eye rolls from strangers.

Drinking at college is like an Olympic sport married with 1920s bootleg culture. There are relays, some illicit drugs, smuggling, you name it. Truth be told, I can barely remember what drinking in college was like – which means I was probably really good at it. Here’s what my memory has managed to preserve.

1. Chalk it up to your roommate having wild sex

2. Wonder if the men doing construction down the street really, really screwed up

3. Do nothing but watch a half-full glass of water quiver, Jurassic Park style

There are many things about technology that I love, namely the ability to keep in touch with virtually everyone you’ve ever met. This, however, means that you have the ability to stay in touch with people that probably should be allowed to fade out of your life.

A girl who is unimpressed with sex? Shocker. I don’t even have an interesting twist to it, as in that is just it: I’m a girl, and sex hasn’t lived up to its hype for me. It’s actually something that I attribute most of my relationship problems to, and I never thought I would desperately wish for sex to be like it is in eight-dollar romance novels.

“I hate to be the old guy here again…I don’t want sound like the old guy. I’ve talked to a lot of people at the party and they said they can’t hear each other talk because the music is too loud. If it isn’t too much to ask, could you turn it down? If it isn’t too much to ask. People can’t hear each other talk.”