January Nelson

It seems like every other day, there’s an article or a study suggesting we disregard everything we’ve been socialized to believe about love and marriage to instead create relationship models that afford us some wiggle-room in the fidelity department.

Growing up, I always knew that I had a lot of love to give. I felt everything; I felt everyone. I’m always placing my hand on a friend’s body out of habit just so I can be closer to them. There’s no such thing as too close. I’m always looking for connections wherever I go.

I’m not asking you to wish death on one of your parents, just that you confront their mortality (and your own) in a logical way.

You deserve someone better than me because I will never be able to love you. You know this. I know this. You knew it the second you met me. You knew the score, you knew the only dynamic that could work between us, and you agreed to be the one who’s loved less. You. Not me.

Sometimes opposites attract and sometimes… they’re just opposite. It’s okay! It’s no one’s fault. Chemistry is hard to come by. There’s a reason why so many people fail it in high school.

Drink. When you do that, you’re like an ant and the booze is the magnifying glass. YOU ARE GONNA FRY, BABY. Drinking is for happy times, stressed times, vacation times, sexy times. It’s not for devastating times.

Who knows what it means that I feel so alienated and inside myself that the thought of humoring someone else’s presence makes me feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub? Who knows what that says about my relationship with the person I’m dating? Does it mean we’re not right for each other? Or does it mean I have issues?

Remember 1995? Clinton was on that White House tip, OJ Simpson was on trial, and these fifth graders from Helena, Montana were caught on camera dropping truth bombs about the internet.

Don’t stand in a crowd on sidewalk, in front of an escalator, or in front of a doorway. Why do people do this? The first thing I do when I get off an escalator is continue moving away from the escalator so I won’t be in people’s way.

Should I email them a .gif of Will Arnett saying, “I’ve made a huge mistake” from Arrested Development? Will that get the message across?

I hate to pull a “When I was your age” but when I was your age, months seemed like decades and now? Now, I’ll look back on something that feels recent and it will have happened four years ago. Time doesn’t necessarily mean change for me anymore — and for you, well I’ve seen mere days influence your entire world.

Sending fan mail to people who are only marginally more successful than you are and who will never, ever have respect for you, after this.

They live in a different state and aren’t involved in the day-to-day of your life which makes things difficult. You begin to dread these catch up sessions because not only do they take forever but there’s this underlying tension you are both trying so hard to avoid. The more you try to pretend the friendship is the same, the more obvious it becomes that it’s changed.

Anytime I eat after 4 a.m., it’s predicated upon the excuse of “YOLO.” There should be a sandwich at the deli just named “YOLO.” “I’ll take the YOLO to go and, no, I prefer not to talk about it.”

Is that weird? I feel like your ex has all the information I need, all the spoilers, everything that would save me grief and time and pain.

“He hates answering text messages during the daylight hours.” “He’s just grumpy around people with faces and hair so he doesn’t want to meet any of my friends.”

In this installment of Brokelandia, the Brokelyn crew takes us into the intimidating, nebulous world of bikram yoga.

Waiting until you’ve hidden all of the good DVDs in the collection for yourself and then breaking the news before they have a chance to raid the apartment.