January Nelson

While men are under the pressure to succeed at one thing, women are held to a different standard: do it all, and do it well.

It’s really weird when you ask whether or not we have frequent threesomes, please stop.

Nobody is driven to create out of comfort.

You shouldn’t feel anxious and depressed, but you do.

We’ve all been called the same old nickname of “babe”. These pet names for girlfriend are perfect to get creative with what you call your love each day.

This whole time I thought you were just some emotionless zombie who didn’t really care about me but I now know that’s not true. You don’t delete someone from your life if you don’t care about them.

You spend an inordinate amount of your time freaking out about the things you’re potentially missing out on but are too paralyzed by anxiety to do anything about it.

You can’t afford a shrink so reading your horoscope will have to do.

You’re old enough to know that hurting yourself doesn’t feel good anymore but you’re too young to know how to really take care of yourself.

There’s something to be said for monogamy, for getting to know one body so well that you have it down to a science. With a single touch, you can send someone barreling towards ecstasy.

Can sit in silence with you for hours at a time without feeling any pressure to talk. Ah, what a gift!

Eat, Pray, Love AKA The Basic Bitch Bible changed your life. One day, when you find yourself trapped in a loveless marriage to a rich man in Connecticut, you’re going to leave him to go find yourself through extensive prayer and pizza.

You can always live with yourself. That’s basic. That’s how you came into this world. What you can’t do is make love spring from thin air.

You hate every piece of clothing you own but you avoid going shopping because you can’t bring yourself to buy things in a bigger size.

Seriously, I hope he’s prepared to offer me workers’ comp because if he doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have to take medical leave from penis-related activity.

They live in a different state and aren’t involved in the day-to-day of your life which makes things difficult. You begin to dread these catch up sessions because not only do they take forever but there’s this underlying tension you are both trying so hard to avoid. The more you try to pretend the friendship is the same, the more obvious it becomes that it’s changed.

Is that weird? I feel like your ex has all the information I need, all the spoilers, everything that would save me grief and time and pain.

Do I text you? Do I DM you? Do I tweet @ you? Do I DARE call you? You’ve called me a few times in the past and I remember feeling so shocked and delighted when I saw your name on the screen. I thought to myself, “This man has balls! He must really like me!”