The 30 Worst Masturbation Injuries 

1. I was jacking it while lying in the tub as a teenager (shower was running and I felt like a warm rain wank), a razor had fallen on the floor of the tub and I was inadvertently lying on it, it was a three-blade razor and it sliced into my back. I bled like a stuck pig and I have a scar on the small of my back about the size of a piece of Trident gum from that bad boy.

2. Got a UTI. Vagina possesser, don’t set the water to hot while having fun with the showerhead.

3. I was too shy to buy a vibrator while I lived in a dorm with someone else and saw somewhere that you could use an electric toothbrush for basically the same very fast vibrating function. So I kept it in my shower caddy and used it when I showered. Except taking the head off so it’s just a vibrating stick of metal wasn’t great. But pro tip, your labia minora is not meant to withstand a thorough brushing from an electric toothbrush. Nothing too bad, just blood and tenderness, but I just stuck with fingers after that.

4. Foot cramp, you know that one where you consider amputation for a brief second.

5. I ripped off two layers of skin on the whole shaft.

6. Pulled the muscle between my shoulder blades and neck.

7. Weird story, I think I was around 13/14 and extremely horny so my dumbass thought, “What if I heated up 2 spoons and used them to stroke myself?” I put the spoons on around the dick and I got some severe burn marks that still show up to this day.

8. Nails were a little bit too sharp… and in the wrong place. Never making that mistake again.

9. A couple of years ago I bought one of those super-cheap magic wands off of some shady website. I got it and tested it out, it started getting pretty warm while I was doing my thing, but I wasn’t exactly paying much attention. After I was done I went to the bathroom and saw I had a huge burn on the left side of my upper thigh and lady bits.

10. I knicked my clitoral hood with my fingernail. Then I tried to shave later that night and sort of ripped it open. It was a fissure at the apex, raw and not healing fast enough. It hurt to sit for a few days.

11. Chaffed skin off my inner ass, vagina, lips, clit, and had inner thigh bruises. The chaffing was bad enough it continued to reopen and bleed for several days. I learned there is a reason people don’t keep going even though they have the energy to.

12. I jerked off with shampoo once and immediately fell asleep after without washing it off. I woke up in the morning with my dick completely covered in scabs. It burnt so bad I couldn’t believe I had slept through it. It swelled up and peeled for a couple of weeks. From then on I feel like it’s not as sensitive as it used to be and it takes me forever to ejaculate with the ladies and myself. So don’t do that.

13. I was making supper with some fresh jalapeno peppers, thought I scrubbed my hands really thoroughly. Turns out I did not and had to live with the burning for a good solid 30 minutes because nothing I did helped.

14. I smacked my elbow on the corner of the bathroom counter…

15. I split the bottom of my pee hole (which I just learned is called a meatus, but that sounds weirder than pee hole I think) just a bit, the tiniest bit. I saw blood coming out of my pee hole and that shit was burning like fuck.

16. One of my roommates while I was in the military fell out of the top bunk while pounding his pud. Dude broke his wrist and bruised a rib after a 5 ft fall. The worst part for him was his injured pride from how much we made fun of him for years.

17. Luckily, no injury. But my Hitachi vibrator was near the end of its life. Sparks flew. The motor went out. Could have ended up very badly. Like setting my bedroom on fire…

18. I rubbed the “bean” too hard and for like almost a week and a half it was just sore and irritated. Wearing parties was horrible and jeans were my enemy (all my jeans had the crotch stitched/seam right in my clit so walking and even sitting would rub it and put pressure). I learned my lesson and I shall be more gentle.

19. The first time I ever masturbated I was 19 or 20 sitting in a bathtub and with the first orgasm I struck the wall with the back of my head. It was pretty tender for a few days. And then I became mildly obsessed with masturbating for a few years.

20. Broke my wrist when I fell off the toilet.

21. My post nut clarity made me realize I needed to change the oil in my car, I did so. I ended up having the car roll back over my foot and broke it.

22. Yo, my fucking wrist. Why are women parts so hard to reach?!

23. My dick got stuck in the zip while masturbating.

24. So when I masturbate, I like to stand up against the corner of my desk in between my legs. After every session, I usually have to walk around a bit because my left leg goes numb. One day I went at it a little longer than usual. So as I was cumming, my leg gave in and I fell not being able to support my weight. I ended up spraining my ankle because of it.

25. Jacked it dry too frequently over an extended period of time and lost the ability to have sex (be properly stimulated) for a while.

26. Got a cut at the part where your dickhead opening ends.

27. Rug burns.

28. One time, I was polishing my nightstick when suddenly, I hit my balls with so much force that I could’ve knocked someone out. It hurt for days but I’m pretty sure I’m fine.

29. Internal scratches. Being young and dumb isn’t easy.

30. Pulled my back muscle when putting pants back on. Couldn’t exercise for 3 months afterward.