30 NSFW Details About Historical Figures That Were Left Out Of Your Textbooks

1. Ancient Egyptians believed the god Atum created the universe by masturbating to ejaculation, and that the ebb and flow of the Nile corresponded to how much he came. To honor this, the pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the river.

2. Victor Hugo (author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, among other tales) was a notorious philanderer who had affairs on top of affairs with prostitutes throughout his life. When he died, ALL of the brothels in Paris had to close because so many prostitutes attended his funeral.

3. Lewis and Clark described the screaming shits that they got from eating unfamiliar food (camas) in detail in their journals.

4. French President Félix Faure died while getting his dick sucked. The whole press joked about his fate, with numerous word games. The lady he was with was nicknamed the “pompe funebre”, which is the name for funeral services in french and also literally means “funeral pump”. There was also, as one of the comments described, the phrase, “He wished to be Caesar, but was only Pompey.” Pompey is Pompée in french and its pronounciation is identical to pompé, which means pumped.

5. Princess Diana and her “Le Gadget” – a sex toy that she carried around with her when she went on diplomatic trips. She had even shown a table of foreign officials her toy as a prank on numerous occasions. She also believed it brought her good luck, one time she forgot to bring it with her and actually asked a bodyguard to go back to the hotel to fetch it for her.

6. George Washington had severe hemorrhoids, to the extent that he couldn’t even ride a horse into battle sometimes, and had to be pulled on a cart.

7. Not hidden in his home country, but not known by the rest of the world though, is the fact that H. C. Andersen left a mark in his diary, every time he had masturbated. Sometimes with a little note on the side, with his thoughts about the “session.”

8. Paul Revere would ride from Boston to Newport RI to cheat on his wife.

9. Big dicks were considered barbaric in ancient history. The greeks especially thought that it showed men with big rock hard full blooded cocks were full of lust and low intelligence. This is why most of their statues today have them displaying a small dick.

10. It’s said that Henry VIII “exploded” in his coffin. Dogs then licked up the Henry juice.

11. Abigail Adams apparently spent a lot of time worrying that her son John Quincy Adams would jerk off or bang whores when he left the house, and advised against doing both in several letters to him.

12. Machiavelli once wrote a letter to a friend detailing a sexual encounter with a prostitute after which he threw up on her due to her alleged ugliness. His excuse? “My lust was so desperate that I went ahead and gave it to her anyway.”

13. Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein (who also popularized gothic literature), used to meet up with her future husband, poet Percy Shelley, at the cemetery where her mother was buried. They would meet up and have angsty sex on her mother’s grave because she was goth as hell. Moreover, Frankenstein was inspired by her fascination with reanimation, the idea of bringing something dead back to life. When she learned about this idea, she was obsessed with the idea of bringing back her baby who died days later after being born, thus sparking the idea of the monster of Frankenstein.

14. Freud loooved cocaine. He had a friend with a morphine addiction, and he thought giving the guy cocaine would cure him. It did not.

15. Patrick Henry (the American founding father better known for his quote, “give me liberty or give me death”) kept his wife imprisoned in a cellar because of her frequent outbursts due to postpartum depression. His wife had eventually died in that cellar, and he had buried her in an unmarked grave. 10/10 quote but the wife killing part always seems to get left out of history texts.

16. William the Bastard’s family was torn apart when his two youngest sons dumped a chamber pot on the head of his firstborn, leading to rebellions, wars, and eventually his firstborn’s lifelong imprisonment.

17. Anne Bonny used to fight with one boob out, just to show that not only are you about to get murdered, but you’re about to get murdered by an 18 year old girl.

18. Edgar Allan Poe married his 13 year old cousin and would sleep in her coffin with her after she passed away.

19. Raphael (the Italian painter, not the Ninja turtle) is believed to have died from exhaustion from nonstop sex.

20. Oscar Wilde described himself as addicted to sucking cock and said it inspired him.

21. Benjamin Franklin liked to take ‘air baths’ which meant sitting in the window of his London house with the windows open – totally nude.

I have visited that very house, which is now a museum, and stood in that very window. They are big Georgian style windows and I suspect that anyone in the house opposite or possibly even glancing up from the street from the right angle/direction would have seen the full Founding Father.

22. Governor Morris wrote the language to much of the constitution, including the preamble. He also had a wooden leg because he broke it so bad it had to be amputated. The accepted story is that his leg was caught in the reins of his horse as they got spooked, but the rumor that went around was he broke his leg jumping from a window to escape the husband of a woman he was sleeping with. In revolutionary France, a crowd surrounded his carriage because they thought he was a French aristocrat. He took his wooden leg off and pointed it at them saying he lost his leg in the pursuit of liberty. He also died from complications after using a whale bone as a catheter.

23. Schroedinger got with a ton of prostitutes so that he could take care of his male urges and thus focus on his work, leaving him the option of not taking a wife who may take him away from his work.

24. The great magician Houdini once escaped a prison cell while fully nude as to not hide anything to escape. However what the guards failed to check was that he hid a skeleton key in his ass checks.

25. In school I was taught that Ben Franklin had a string of pearls that was several feet long. He would add a pearl to it each time he slept with a new woman.

26. Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last german emperor wrote VERY sexual letters to his mum when he was a teenager.

27. Gaius Julius Caesar was a huge player. He slept with at least one woman in every town he visited according to his soldiers. He slept with the queen of Egypt. He slept with his rival’s (Cato the Younger’s) sister. He also slept with a mother and her daughter (not at the same time). This was fitting as he claimed descent from Venus, the goddess of love and lust.

28. There are dicks everywhere in Pompeii.

DICKS.

EVERYWHERE.

On walls, streets, posts, carved into wood and stone, arranged in tile mosaics. They’re all over the fuckin’ place. You can’t swing a cat without whackin’ a schlong. They’re used as arrows to point to brothels. Scrawled on walls in graffiti about how good the women are in the city. When you went to the baths, you’d put your clothes in little cubbyholes, and you’d remember which column of cubbies you left them in by the mosaic of a particular sex act above said column.

29. I read once that philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau would pull his pants down and chase after women running backwards in hopes they would spank him. It was his kink.

30. The diary of William Byrd II. He talks about his wife being depressed so he gives her a flourish and she feels better. That’s an orgasm.