How To Survive A Stephen King Novel

(If you understand all the references, congratulations, you’re a true Stephen King fan!)

1. Sewer drains.

2. Kinky sex games.

3. Historic hotels that shut down for the season and/or have a room with a reputation.

4. An overly obsessive fan.

5. Maine; the entire state. Ergo if I found myself located there I would simply travel to the other side of the country, therefore dramatically decreasing the risk of being caught up in Mr. King’s usual narrative shenanigans.

6. Fucking corn.

7. St. Bernards.

8. Clowns.

9. Twin little girls.

10. Police officers. Every police officer I can recall in a King story was either useless or actively the bad guy.

11. Mist and cloudy weather!

12. Christians.

13. Pets, particularly dead ones and large, rabid dogs.

14.  Amusement parks.

15. Antique cars.

16. People in RVs and earth cruisers.

17. A turtle.

18. You know when you start seeing

(phrases in parentheses and italics with no punctuation)

that shit is about to get real.

19. Small rocks and slippery spots.

20. Gypsies…

21. A rose growing through the concrete.

22. Low men in yellow coats.

23. Blue chambray shirts.

24. Stay away from anyone who’s an alcoholic author. Anyone who’s friends with him is guaranteed to suffer.

25. Bullies! Bullies everywhere!

26. The man in black.

27. Anyone named Walter or with initials R.F.

28. A red balloon

29. A murderous 1958 Plymouth fury.

30. Traumatic childhoods leading to real or imagined trauma as an adult. It may be all in your head or it may be magic, but it’s coming to fuck you up either way.