Do Yourself A Favor And Get Rid Of All Your Frenemies

Let’s get one thing clear: we’re not actually friends. If you were to look up “friendship” in the dictionary, it would basically describe the antithesis of our relationship. So if we’re not buddies, I must ask us what the hell we’re even doing with each other. Why are we still in each other’s lives? Why do we bother having catch up lunches when I know we both don’t want to do it? Is it out of some misguided sense of obligation? Do we think that it’s less awkward this way, to keep each other in our lives at a distance? Because, at this point, it would feel more comfortable ignoring you at a party than it would to actually speak with you.

You’re competitive with me and it’s always made me feel weird. Like, how were we ever supposed to ever have a balanced friendship when you seem to be so threatened by my very existence? You seem to keep me around just so you can keep a fucking eye on me. It’s like some Cruel Intentions kind of shit. You’re constantly trying to one-up on me. It’s like a pissing contest except I forgot to whip my (metaphorical) dick out.

When it comes down to it, I just don’t think you like me. Sometimes I think you hate me! Isn’t that insane? How we can just sit here and smile while you so clearly stab me with your eyes? This does not feel normal. This does not feel good. Death to all frenemies.

I propose some honesty. I propose that you and I sit down, hash it out, and just say goodbye to each other for good. Screw social niceties. They’re the thing that’s making us all mean. It seems like more and more we live in a time that encourages dishonesty. Make your life look perfect for Facebook and Twitter. Get lunch with someone you don’t really like. Tell your ex that you’re doing fine. Because if you don’t do these things, you might make someone uncomfortable! But you know what I’m realizing? By protecting everyone else all the time, I’m the one who’s becoming a raw nerve. I’m the one who’s becoming uncomfortable.

There’s only so much bullshit one person can stand and as far as I can see it, frenemies are the first layer of BS to go. We really don’t need them. They serve no purpose. They bring no one joy. And if you’re scared of cutting the cord, you have my permission to just send them this post in an email with no explanation. They’ll get the message. And to be honest, they’ll probably be relieved.