A Non-Comprehensive List Of Things That I Still Worry About (But Probably Shouldn’t)

1. I worry that a new pimple is cancer. I worry that an old pimple is cancer. I worry that if a new or old pimple is cancer, and I die tomorrow, do the people who I love know I love them? Have I given what I’m meant to to the world?

2. I worry that I’m not going to be pretty when I’m older. I worry that once you reach a certain age, you can’t make people automatically like you just because you’re bubbly and vivacious and young (and full of promise). I worry that youth is one of the best things I have always had going for me, and what my secret weapon is going to be once it is gone.

3. I worry about snakes coming out of the toilet when I travel to places with snakes. I saw a youtube video of this once and it’s really hard to get the image out of your head once it’s in it.

4. I worry a lot about my parents dying. I worry about them dying without ever knowing how grateful I am to have had them or how hard I know that they tried. I worry about them dying before I make enough money to buy them something really huge and meaningful, because I don’t know how else to say ‘I love you and I’m sorry for not being a better daughter.’

5. I worry that I’m too nice because I’m trying to compensate for how horrible I really am at my core. I worry that everyone’s that horrible at their core, they’re just hiding it really well, and that the main person they’re hiding it from is themselves.

6. I worry my that gym class or subway car is going to get shot up. I worry I’m always sitting too far from the exit or that I’ll be the one to look up first.

7. I worry about living in a world where a lot of beliefs are blindly ascribed to. I worry about the beliefs I am blindly ascribing to and how many of them I’m not conscious of. I worry about being too human, and too incapable of understanding what the fuck we’re doing here, even on the days when I want to.

8. Other days, I worry about not being human enough to care why we’re here or what happens after.

9. I worry that I’m going to drink too much one night and die in my sleep. I’m also probably not as worried about this as I should be.

10. I worry about the people I love who are mentally ill. I worry that they’ll die. I worry about how angry I will be for the rest of my life if they do die, even though that’s a very selfish worry to have.

11. I worry that I’ll never love anyone as much as the first person I ever fell in love with.

12. I worry that someday I will love someone else as much as the first person I ever fell in love with, and that he will love someone else that much, too.

13. I worry about being replaceable.

14. I worry that every plane I get on will crash.

15. I worry about not being liked. Or rather, not being respected. I worry that people won’t think I’m smart enough or strong enough or impressive enough and that being liked and respected is a direct consequence of all of those things.

16. I worry that I’ll never learn how to be a good girlfriend. I worry I won’t ever really know what it feels like to want to put someone else before myself.

17. I worry that we don’t have free will – not that I think it is a bad thing, but because it just makes all the suffering so meaningless. Some days I want to walk up to every person on the planet and go, ‘Look, this was always going to happen, so there’s no point getting torn up about it.’ But pretty much none of them would believe me. And the only consolation for my frustration would be that they can’t help it because humans are inherently wired to believe they have free will, so there’s no point getting torn up about it.

18. I worry that I make up a lot of convoluted theories in my head to excuse myself for the things that I didn’t get right in life.

19. I worry I’m never going to meet anyone who understands most of the things that I worry about.

20. Other days, I worry that someday I will.