33 INFJs Explain What They Do To Heal After A Heartbreak
"Get angry in order to fully complete Kubler-Ross' stages of grieving (DABDA). I think that's one of the things INFJs couldn't make themselves do."
By 
Heidi Priebe
Each type handles heartbreak a little differently. As intuitive feelers, INFJs often have an incredibly difficult time moving on from heartbreak – but that doesn’t mean they can’t find a way to do so healthily and successfully. Below, 33 INFJs share what they do to heal their hearts when they’ve been broken.
1.
“I analyse and re-analyse what, why and how it happened; reflect on what could be done better; on how this could serve as a life lesson. I also vent and express these thoughts to a trusted friend or parent. It helps a lot when you have someone whom you can absolutely trust who will be a listening ear to you. I also either spend a lot more time praying and talking to God, or binge watch my favorite channels on YouTube.”
2.
“I try to hold on to the good memories and accept that we gave it our all. Sometimes, people and things just don’t work out but that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other with everything you have to give. Sadly, sometimes what we can give and what someone wants/needs are two entirely different things. The best advice I can give is to accept that it happened and never regret it. It was worthwhile no matter what.”
3.
“I deal with heartbreak by crying a lot, talking to a good friend and trying to keep busy. But of course that’s in an ideal world and often unhealthy coping mechanisms set in. Some of the ways to keep my healing healthy is to write things down, go on walks, and mostly talk it out though it’s hard as I’m a very private person.”
4.
“When I’m heartbroken I feel it super intensely for like a day, then I box it up within me, swallow it down, and force myself to move on.”
5.
“I try to find out the reason behind it. Then I tell the story to my closest friend(s). I cry if I need to cry. If possible, I clear it up with the ‘heartbreaker.’ My advice to other INFJs: Accept it wholeheartedly, get used to it, and stay focused on moving on. Accept that you still love them, get used not to have them by your side, and don’t find (or even think about finding) a way to get back together with them (unless your closest friends say you should. Friends usually have a more objective point of view than you do post-heartbreak).”
6.
“I generally retreat and listen to music — and then I go for a long run. In the weeks that follow, I make sure I am around positive people.”
7.
“Time is going to be the biggest healer of heartbreak. It already takes so much of it to get close to someone, and when your heart gets broken, it will take awhile before you can open it up again. Just know you can’t judge the future by what has happened in the past. Go forward with a new and hopeful outlook. You’ll naturally be on guard, but if you do not open up again, you’ll stay in the same place. Take care of yourself first. Eat right. Exercise. Love and better yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Whatever you do, make sure you complete yourself on your own. Do not get into another relationship just to feel whole. The rest will fall in line.”
8.
“I journal everything. I find keeping a written record gives me peace of mind and something to look back on if I ever have doubts about why we broke up or if I’m better off or not. Then I make sure I’m still doing things for myself, whether it be creating or spending time with good friends for support. My advice would be to find the balance between being by yourself to process, and leaning on family and friends for support. Too much of either is going to overwhelm. It’s really hard for anybody, but we get through. I feel emotions really deeply, and during heartbreak sometimes it’s hard to separate my hurt with my ex’s hurt. Keeping those separate is a huge part of it for me too.”
9.
“I paint. I read. I isolate myself in order to reflect. I make lists..lots of them. Lists on why it didn’t work. Lists on what i hated about him, what I loved, and recognise that most, if not all traits, can be found in other people too. I also become what I loved about him…I cry and don’t repress my feelings, I speak to those I trust and I cycle. When my heart breaks, I make art…I always come back to art.”
10.
“I rock out to Queen B’s ‘Sorry.'”
11.
“I remove myself from all social contact until I’m back to normal again. Or I’ll find friends that weren’t a part of the issue. But I’ll always get back to my normal life eventually.”
12.
“I give myself permission to be hurt and sad and mourn for a specific period of time and then for those number of days, I wallow as deep as I need to go. Then on the specific day that it ends, I go take a shower and get dressed and do my make up and burn all the memories and walk away from the heartbreak. Does it make it not hurt? Nope. I am still a little sad, but I have decided to move on and I do. The thoughts and the sorrow are put away and I choose to think on better things.”
13.
“I don’t really ever move on. My silly heart loves eternal and doesn’t let go even though the brain can. It takes me years to get over the loss of someone and really that’s just more getting used to them not being there anymore. Just to be clear, I respect boundaries and keep within them, the last thing I would ever want is them to be bothered by me. But when I let someone in they become a structure in my heart.”
14.
“When I’m heartbroken, I: Spend more time alone than usual. Spend time connecting with nature. Engage in a strenuous physical activity. When I am trying to process the situation, I usually use a very trusted loved one as a sounding board to evaluate the situation, my contributions to it, and my next actions and perspectives. I also tend to lose touch with the physical world (lose appetite, insomnia, even over exercise.) Engage your Se in a healthy way, but don’t let it run the show. Discuss the situation with one or two trusted loved ones. Very strictly use time to yourself: not too much, but more than usual.”
15.
“When my husband passed away it became my turn to let people take care of me. Despite being an introverted type I surrounded myself with people who cared.”
16.
“As an INFJ, I experience what I go through so deeply and painfully. One thing I learned is that I had to simply embrace the heartbreak. It took a long time and a lot positive self-talk to tell you the truth. In order to get to the other side of healing, I believe that I just have to endure the pain. There will be a day that my heart won’t ache anymore.”
17.
“Well I force myself to let trusted others know what’s going on, even when I feel myself wanting to withdraw. I cry, a lot. I stop crying, and then find myself crying more a few days later. Most often I feel myself getting trapped in the memories, the good, and the ugly end. It makes it really hard to be present. But I still make the effort. I treat myself well, allow myself to have the grief without judging myself. When I can, I look back at what I can learn about myself and what I want in my next relationship from this last one, what I can do better. I do what I can to put myself back out there. The impulse as an INFJ (for whom it is exceedingly difficult but absolutely critical to find and create really profound connections with others) to not seek out new people. We doubt that we’ll be able to find another person with whom we will connect with in such a strong way as with the person who just broke our heart. And so we’re sorely tempted to just not try. But I force myself to start with a new person here and there. To give myself hope enough to be able to stop looking backwards and start looking forwards.”
18.
“To be honest, I tend to stick with people for quite a while after it has gotten obvious that things aren’t working. Once I decide FIRMLY that I will never go back, so I don’t text, call, FB, I delete him from my phone and so on. Then I force myself to get on with my life after being sad for some time.”
19.
“I take care of myself after a heartbreak by indulging my Se. I try to heal and move on by not getting into rebound relationships but almost always end up in one. The advice I have for other INFJS: Get angry to fully complete Kubler-Ross’ stages of grieving (DABDA). I think that’s one of the things INFJs couldn’t make themselves do.”
20.
“Listen to music, read, plan a trip to somewhere I love. I just need to find something else to look forward to, but music helps me to find some kind of outlet for my sorrow. I journal, too.”
21.
“I try to find ways that I can either improve on past problems or work to not have the same regrets in the future. As an INFJ, I’m a believer in self-improvement and growth coming as a result of suffering or tragedy, and I think that the best thing to do when heartbroken is to grieve but then move forward and find ways to become an even better person for the next round.”
22.
“When I’m heartbroken, I don’t try to fix it. I let the weight of the sadness hit me, and I try to sit with it, feel it, understand it (without analyzing it). To me, the heartbreak is telling me something– that what came before had meaning, that I too am human, that it might never make sense but will only do more damage if I ignore it now. In the midst of heartache and heartbreak, I try to treat myself kindly and not expect as much as I might expect of myself in lighter times. I think that choosing the lens of compassion towards myself (which is so difficult for me and how high my self-expectations tend to be) is the best route to healing, the softest landing for my bruised soul, and the most applicable when not in such sore moments and others need that compassion. My advice for others of my type would be to trust yourself when listening for what you need most– you will find the way.”
23.
“Feel into it as deeply as possible. Then talk it out, preferably with the person who caused it, or a good listener. My advise is to not ignore it and not try to push through it.”
24.
“I spend time reflecting by writing poetry or journaling. The best way for me to process my emotions is to write about them, after that it helps me to discuss what happened with a close friend or my mom. I would tell my fellow INFJs that it’s okay to process internally at first, but it is not healthy to avoid feelings. Allow yourself to fully feel the hurt, then look it in the eye and say, “you don’t own me.” Open up to someone even if it’s hard. Express your thoughts through music or art or writing–whatever helps you. You are not weak for feeling deeply.”
25.
“When I’m upset I must take my one healing. I find I need people most when I want them least. I have also found drawing from the experiences of others through talking and reading quiet and poetry. To other INFJ’s out there; give yourself time to heal, don’t expect it to happen over night. Also use the resources around you and make plans that make you look forward to happy moments.”
26.
“I distract myself by hanging out with friends. If I let myself stay inside, introverted, and alone, I’ll spiral into sadness in my own head. Get out and have fun and be bold and giggly! (Embrace your inner ENFP). Remind yourself of all the beautiful relationships you have outside the one that ended. It’s often hard for me to open up about things that are currently, deeply upsetting me, but verbally processing heartache with trusted friends is the best medicine. Let them remind you of what a gem you are. Also, keep reminding yourself of all the logical reasons it ended and of all the times you questioned it in the first place. Trust those earlier feelings and decisions that were made outside of sadness. Trust that a more beautiful love is on the way and that everything happens for a reason- you just don’t always realize why until you look back later.”
27.
“I need a good mix of alone time, and hangouts with the people I’m most comfortable with and can confide in – like my best friend or family members. I spend the “alone time” doing quiet things like listen to music and reading (these provide a great distraction), and hanging out with others helps me to prevent spiralling into a cycle of self-doubt and even more sadness. Since I’m prone to overthinking, these help me to channel my energy elsewhere. And in the longer-term, engaging in activities that are close to my values and heart (like charity work, meaningful work) and remembering the causes that are most important to me gets my mind off my own problems and helps me to find comfort. Some advice: be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up for being sad, because you have every right to be upset. Just remember the other things that truly matter to you and seek solace in those.”
28.
“I have a a period of self loathing, doubt, and insecurity marked by long days and nights with my face curled into a towel retracing our entire relationship to see where it went wrong. I’ll finally muster up the courage to surround myself with positive company and slowly try to recover.”
29.
“I usually wallow intensely, put everything into just withdrawing from the world and moping, because I very quickly hit a point where I’m impatient and bored with wallowing and snap out of it very abruptly. Get it all out in one go so I can bounce back out of it and be done. In the meantime, getting lost in shows with great character development and interactions helps since I sync up so easily with other people–I can feel their story for a bit instead of feeling lost in mine, and it’s a nice boost of positivity/etc without dreaming about my own situation and getting my hopes up. And aside from just getting through the actual experience, to put it all behind me, I HAVE to understand why things happened the way they did. Socionics, MBTI, Enneagram, whatever–I need to find a way to trace what went wrong and why. Until that point it’s a puzzle I haven’t solved and will nag at me in the back of my mind and draw me back to people I should be done with. Once I “solve” the puzzle, I can make the right decision, whatever that is.”
30.
“Walk in the woods, or any place where solitude finds you so you may feel the pain uninterrupted. Do this until your mind tells you it is enough. Continue to work so you remain still connected to the outside world. It is easy for us INFJ’S to get lost in the ocean of our feelings and thoughts.”
31.
“When I’m heart broken, I automatically go to the big picture. I try to break down what happened into pieces that I can understand so I can find the freedom to move on. I might not broadcast my emotions but i do create space for me to explore them. Denial will just keep me stuck in once place. I think the biggest struggle for me is when everything doesn’t seem to add up in my mind and I have to accept the unknown for what it is instead of what i want it to be. My advice for other INFJ’s during heartbreak is to embrace the phrase, ‘it is what it is’ for your own freedom. When it is time to move on, don’t get stuck over-thinking or finding the patterns of what has happened to try to predict what can happen, go with your gut. It’s our strongest asset. Our intuition is rare wrong as long as we don’t get caught up in our own feelings or over-thinking tendencies.”
32.
“A lot of crying, and a lot of binge-watching television… I used to just lock myself up and sleep, but funnily enough that never helped. I tend to deal best with it when I talk it through with a close friend or two; someone who’ll just listen and offer emotional support rather than advice. You’ll have a lot of people telling you how to get over it, but the thing I have found is that you have to learn your own way. I like using art as a release too, a lot of my poems are a result of my being heartbroken; they usually help me to understand what I’m feeling and why. Ultimately, I think take the time to reflect on what it is you feel and why you are feeling that way. If you can pick apart all those feelings, you can lead to deal with them one by one as the need to arises. Take your time; don’t rush the process because you feel you owe it to that other person to move on quickly, which being an INFJ, you probably do. Instead just focus on yourself, and remembering all the ways you can live life fully on your own.”
33.
“For a break-up, it is a very tough process of trying to salvage everything – you experience the extremes of self-blame, self-torture, self-doubt and what not.. before you decide to door slam whoever is hurting you. Whether you facing heartbreak is due to a break up or one sided crush, here is my side of the story – I picked myself up pretty fast only after I have figured out I was in for bigger, better things in life. So, go take up a new hobby or try something you have always wanted to. It’s best if you can try it alone, and see how amazing you actually are! All the best, fellow INFJs!” 
