Why I’m Scared To Tell You I Love You

It’s 11:37 AM and I’ve been home about three hours since I left your house this morning.

I’ve already texted you, making a joke about some of our sexual activity the previous night, and told you I’m free today if you would like to “hang out.”

That’s not what I wanted to text you though. I also didn’t want to leave you without touching you this morning, but I did.

You broke up with me a week ago because you have commitment issues. You told me I’m an amazing girlfriend, yet you still left me. Your reasoning was ignorant, unfair, and an excuse to get out of something that scared you. You promised me you wouldn’t blindside me, and you did just that as soon as I allowed my anxiety to simmer and get comfortable with you.

So why did I stay the night at your house last night? Why did I lie on your chest when you asked me to, and why did I look up and allow you to kiss me? You just broke my heart a week ago..

I’ll tell you why. It’s because I love you. I am in complete, absolute l o v e with you.

Will I ever tell you that? Probably not. Why? Because now I am back to my anxious, scared shitless-self. The same guy who wanted me to stop fidgeting every time I was around him, or who told me I just need to relax and get comfortable, is the same asshole who just made my anxiety that much worse by leaving because he was scared.

Let’s ask you now. Why did YOU want me to stay the night last night? Sex is understandable, but I could’ve gone home after like I planned. You asked me to stay though. Why? You just opted out of our incredible relationship, and now you want me back sleeping next to you at night?

You made it known you were single in your snide little Facebook post shortly after we split, which in turn let guys know I was single as well. So you chose to put me back on the market that you so desperately wanted me off of, and now you want me back sleeping next to you.

This is all coming from the same guy who tells me every time my words and actions contradict each other. Newsflash, babe: you’re contradicting yourself.

I’m not as bitter as I may sound. Every time you text me, I’ll respond. Every time you ask if I want to come over, I will. Not because I’m naïve, or oblivious to your game. I’ll be right here every time until I don’t want to anymore.

When I say I’m madly in love with you, it’s not for my health. It’s the truth, and I am hopeful every single day that you will get over this commitment bullshit, and look at me and know this is the real deal. Until then, I’ll see you in bed tonight.