How To Get Over Your Fear Of Getting Eaten Out

Vaginas should really come with instruction manuals. Warning labels. Affirmations, meditations, every damn thing. Show me a girl whose vagina hasn’t freaked her the hell out on at least one occasion and I’ll show you a liar.

It’s for that reason that it can be extremely difficult to let someone else dive in head-first, so to speak. Vaginas can be freaky. And mysterious. They play by their own rules. How are you even supposed to know what’s going on down there? Depending on how tall you are, your vagina is like, miles away from your face. And you’re going to let another person get up close and personal without the slightest idea of what they’re getting into? You’re going to let them Pepsi Challenge your pussy?

You’re damn right you are. And you’re going to like it. That’s a promise, not a threat. But before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s talk about why these complexes exist in the first place.

It’s a very unfortunate girl whose first real ‘lover’ is an Uptown Boy (or Girl). Because whether he’s afraid, inexperienced, or ‘doesn’t like the taste,’ us ladies are wasting precious time thinking our bits are inedible. How are we supposed to know? It’s not a Costco. We can’t run over to a sample table and try it out. So we accept that we’re not getting head and we make do with what we’ve got.

When this relationship ends (and for your sake, it should), you’re in a strange position. You’ve heard from your friends that getting eaten out feels amazing, but you’ve never experienced it for yourself. You don’t know what you’re missing. It’s like House of Cards or whatever indie band everyone’s losing their shit over this week. ORAL SEX: THE CAN’T MISS EVENT OF THE SEASON. But you’re not sucking at the hype machine teat. You’ll check it out, someday. You’ll get around to it.

The best-case scenario here is that you date someone who knows what you’re missing and wants to show you. They get up in there like a gynecologist and eat the neuroticism right out of you. Then they ask what’s for dessert. Look, it shouldn’t take another person to make us feel OK about our bodies, but sometimes it does. Sometimes you need to have that “someone is between my legs with their mouth on my clit and they’re happy about it” moment to make you see the light.

Thing is, if you have this hungry hungry hippo in front of you begging for a snack, you need to get out of your own way and let them feed. Getting eaten out for the first time is like having a baby, you’ll never be 100% prepared. There is no “right time.” Your hang-ups and fears might seem like legitimate reasons to skip over the oral portion of the evening, but think about it in logical terms:

The Fear: My vagina might smell.

The Logic: All vaginas smell like something. This isn’t a secret. If you’re dating someone who thinks women sweat out vanilla and gardenias, you have bigger problems than what your vagina smells like.

The Fear: …But it smells… bad. Like, kinda-fishy, walking around in a thong and tights all day, bad.

The Logic: Go wash up really quick? There’s a big diff between fresh-out-the-shower vagina and just-got-home-from-the-gym vagina. Again, an adult will understand — and appreciate — if you need to freshen up before they get to feast.

The Fear: I haven’t shaved in god knows how long.

The Logic: And? I know we walk around thinking that our pubes are the only pubes, and that our shaving routine is the only shaving (or waxing, or whatever) routine, but give your dude some credit. He’s probably seen some shit. Besides, I have nary come away from a blow job without dental floss in my teeth that I didn’t ask for. No shame in your game, girl.

The Fear: It might hurt.

The Logic: If someone’s going down on you and it hurts, (gently) tell that fool he’s doing it wrong. (Unless you like a little pain, in which case hay gurl hay.) Then tell him what would actually feel good. Don’t leave the guy stranded on oral island without a lifesaver.

And if the guy you’re dealing with seems like he’d rather starve to death than eat your pussy?

It’s normal to be afraid of rejection. But if you’ve been poppin’ out blow jobs like a Pez dispenser, it’s only right you ask that the favor be returned. Guys have their own hang-ups about going downtown, so rather than accepting your fate, communicate about it and find out what the problem is. Maybe he’s had bad experiences in the past. Maybe he’s afraid it’ll smell bad and he won’t want to embarrass you, thus suffering through an unpleasurable dining experience. That’s no fun for anybody. But you can’t find a solution if you don’t know what the problem is. These talks sound like they’re brutal, and it’s true that they can get uncomfortable. If there’s anyone you shouldn’t be sleeping with, though, it’s not the guy who doesn’t want to go down on you. It’s the guy you can’t be honest with.

Bon appetit!

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