The Complete Guide To Valentine Dating For All Types of Intimate Relationships

Holiday season is dating season. And yes, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: V-day is coming. Either you totally forgot about it or you remember but have absolutely no idea what to do because your head is cloudy with fifty shades of grey, it’s pretty safe to say that you’re totally screwed. Naah. You’re not. Don’t be dramatic. Remember that old, cliche saying “Where this is a will, there is a way”? Good news, there IS a way. Either you’ve been dating for 6 months or only been on a few dates, here’s the complete guide to Valentine dating for all types of intimate relationships:

1. Dating/ Relationship

6 months and over:

When you have been that long together and had full knowledge of how stingy each other is, expectations tend to lower and pressure to impress is no longer there. Thus, you’re in quite a safe zone. Date idea? Warm dinner and movie would do, better if with a small surprise such as taking the person to the spot where you first met. Even a simple homemade meal with wine, or Chinese takeaway with movies on bed could be perfect. Remember that it’s more about spending time together and giving each other full attention than about impressing each other and wasting money. If you still have some time before the day, a hand written letter or a sweet, funny card would be appreciated. With a bit of a budget, jewellery, ties, watches, shoes, sweaters, scarves are all good for gifts. If you’re feeling dramatic and ambitious, you could probably print out all the texts/ emails exchanged when you first dated and read to each other; or make a bunch of notes about the things you love about them. I know, more effort put in but hey, you can thank me later when you get laid or even join the marriage club.

3 to 6 months:

This zone is not so safe but not too dangerous either. When you’re in this stage, the courtship is still going on and the relationship is usually not firm enough to fart and pee in front of each other yet but don’t worry, it’s getting there. Apart from a date night doing something you both enjoy, something handmade or personalized or mentioned before by your partner would show interest and effort. Don’t forget to get them a card with sweet messages expressing how much you appreciate and care for them. If you have time and resources, you could put together a photo album of your couple photos from the beginning with simple notes recording how you felt and then ask them to write down theirs later. Lingerie would also be apt at this stage of dating, especially for Valentine’s Day. Feel free to ask them to try on and get naughty with each other.

1 to 3 months:

Now, it gets a bit alarming. This relationship is definitely not strong enough to fart and/or pee in front of each other so don’t go there. Don’t do crazy, psycho shit. Don’t touch the L word just yet. At this point, you’re still pretty much getting to know each other, therefore it’s important to keep your manners and give off your best impressions. A well-planned date regardless of what you would like to do with your partner is good for showing your effort and expressing your affection but it should allow as much interacting as possible. Flowers and small gifts are ideal but should not be too expensive. In fact, something seasonal is the best. If you feel like getting a card, keep it short and warm.

After 3 dates:

You guys are getting more comfortable but still very new and fragile. No effort or too much effort is both no good. So what’s the right amount? Well, keeping it light and cool but at the same time appropriately showing your interest by some non-creepy romantic gesture. In this case, a romantic dinner with beautiful flowers and wine is ideal. Or a date night doing something fun or unusual. A surprise or spontaneous factor is desirable.

After 2 dates:

Wow, such expectations, much pressure. I know, it’s confusing at this stage. You don’t want to do nothing but you don’t want to send the message that you guys are anything official because it’s way too soon. You actually still have no idea what’s going on. To be honest, you are better off avoiding the third date on Valentine’s day altogether. But if you must, keep it light and low key and fun as much as possible. Prepared gifts or cards are not necessary. If you really want to gift, it’s better to buy something on the spot because duh, this is not the appropriate time for cheese yet. My advice is that a planned dinner at your personal favourite place and a movie or drinks afterwards is a safe choice. If you are a great cook, inviting them over, showing your skills is pretty solid. Good luck, you might well get laid.

After 1 date:

Saying Happy Valentine’s Day is good enough. Don’t go overboard. If you have a date on this day, do the usual dinner and drink stuff and make sure you have a good time learning more about each other. Well, I mean, I wish you the best of luck getting a second date.

Still stalking:

A light-hearted happy Valentine’s day text or Facebook message is more than fine. If you must have the first date on V-day because it’s Saturday, go for a drink in the evening for the mood. No gift, no card, no Ted Mosby, please!

2. Friends with benefits

The best gift? A pack of condom. Just kidding. No, no gift, no word, no V-day, just like how you treat your normal friends. However, if you are lonely and want some action, which I bet you probably do, wait till 11 P.M. and drop a casual text asking about their day with an explicitly naughty tone. Emphasize on the explicitly naughty. When it’s made clear that you want nothing to do with V-day (even if you secretly do but not with them anyway), just go ahead and ask them to come over then get straight down to business. Otherwise, stick to the no contact. You don’t care, they don’t care. You can always eat pizza and fuck on the 15th. No rush.

3. Fuck buddy

Who? This person doesn’t exist on V-day unless your horniness is killing you. If so, stick to a past-10 P.M. text. Actually, past midnight is even better because by then it would be 15th already.

4. Stuck in the friendzone

Either you confess your feelings right now and get done with it or you do absolutely nothing at all. That’s about it really. But considering you’re already stuck in the friendzone, you probably shouldn’t do anything because it would only cause awkwardness and might well ruin the friendship forever. My advice is that, move on. You deserve to be appreciated and loved and of course, fucked too, you sexy monster! Anyway, sorry, this is an article for people who are involved with someone whereas practically you’re single as fuck so I suggest you google something that’s more applicable to you, okay? Friendzone is NOT an intimate relationship, are we clear?? Harsh, I know, but I only want good for you.

Hopefully by now, no matter who you are and how long you have been with your someone, you’re absolutely confident that you could totally survive the V-day and get some piece of ass by the end of the night. Now, I need to sort out my Netflix watch list while appreciating my singleness for not having to think about all this crazy stuff. Good luck y’all!