75 Questions I Would Like Kanye West To Answer

1. Were the diamonds you bought in ‘Diamonds of Sierra Leone’ conflict diamonds? Did Jacob (last name, The Jeweler, presumably) ever tell you?

2. Why do you tell Jacob not to lie to you? Has he lied to you in the past? Is this someone from whom you should really trust your ice-buying?

3. I know you let Jay-Z intercut — and therefore, slyly answer without really answering — the line, “What’s up with y’all and Jay, man? Are you okay, man?” on the remix (which, for the record is actually a little less good than the non-remixed version, but that’s another story for another day) but this picture really makes me wonder otherwise. Is the real question now, what’s up with y’all and Kim, man? ARE YOU OKAY, MAN? (Please be okay with y’all and Kim because you are precious together.)

4. Kanye, did she actually get fish filet?

5. What was she doing in the club on a Thursday? Was she really there for her girl’s birthday, or was that a cover to get free champagne?

6. If the first rule of fight club is that you can’t talk about fight club, why are you talking about starting a fight club?

7. But how ARE you gonna be mad on vacation?

8. How do you pledge Broke Phi Broke? Can you be an honorary member? Is there a hazing ritual?

9. How long did it end up taking you to get your croissant?

10. And for that record, what kind of croissant was it? Almond? Chocolate? Butter? Pillsbury crescents during Thanksgiving (because I could totally understand being antsy for those)?

11. Is the daughter who was named Alexis because her mother couldn’t afford a car somehow related to the stripper named Porsche and her “fat friend named Minivan”?

12. Also, speaking of vehicularly-named women, do you and Kim like, ignore the fact that her name is — wait for it — Kar-dashian?

13. And if everyone’s naming their kids after cars, is naming yours after an airline just the ultimate in swag moves? (She is really, really cute though, so I respect it.)

14. Did you ever pay back Talib for essentially being your wingman on your own track? Talib is better than a wingman, ‘Ye.

15. Were there ever plans to actually release a workout tape? If so, could you revive those plans? I genuinely believe that it would be less grueling than CrossFit, and Kim is always out there looking for a new workout, so really, everyone wins.

16. This is the weakest joke I will ever make in my life, but I just have to go there: Is going H.A.M. kosher?

17. Can you bring back the skit sections of your albums? Or did you just evolve those into the extended Yeezy-rants(TM) that are the hallmark of your concerts?

18. Could I borrow your private jet during a red-eye flight just so I could say I wore PJs on the PJ? I’d really appreciate it. It would be living a personal dream.

19. In your 2004 song, ‘Two Words,’ you mention having “one neck, two chains.” Does this mean Two Chainz has to pay you royalties, or does the z in his name make him exempt?

20. If Kathie Lee needed Regis like you need Jesus, what does that make Hoda?

21. (Wait, if they say you can rap about anything except for Jesus, am I allowed to make jokes about this? Please advise, Yeezus to whom I pray, amen.)

22. [I was going to ask you a question about Kim as she pertains to the song ‘Gold Digger,’ but she clearly makes you really happy and I like to see you happy so I’m not going to touch it. I just wanted you to know I considered it.]

23. But did you holler, we want pre-nupt? Kris seems like a pre-nupt kind of lady.

24. How many people confuse your ‘Roses’ with OutKast’s ‘Roses’? Is this a point of contention?

25. Isn’t telling people to throw diamonds in the sky a little wasteful? Even if they feel your vibe? I mean, can I throw actual ice cubes? Diamonds are kind of expensive.

26. How could something so wrong make you feel so right? Easy, Yeezy. I mean, you have diamonds, I have burgers and fries and pizza and Oreo cookies. None of it is good for me, but it feels so right. So, so very right.

27. Was her tattoo red, no apologies, or did it read ‘No Apologies’? Was it both? Semantics are important here, Eezy. I am confused.

28. Did you ever remind Jay-Z what 50 grand was to him? That amount of money seems either troubling or trifling.

29. Also, how much was Jay fined by the, and I quote, “motherfuckers” who were angry at how hard he was balling?

30. Okay, but WAS that jacket Margiela?

31. If you have your other OTHER Benz, could I borrow either the first other Benz or the original Benz to run a few errands?

32. That girl who told you she said she just wanted to be alive when you asked her where she wanted to be when she was 25… is she okay? I mean, that was bleak. That was dark. Can we have a follow-up here? I’m really worried for a stranger now, ‘Ye.

33. Who gon’ stop you? You never answered the question. WHO, YEEZUS? WHO AMONG US? (If this answer is “nobody,” I thoroughly respect that.)

34. If your Maybach does not have a bumper sticker reading “What Would Hova Do?” I’m going to think you just lied to me, I am just saying. (But really, my question is, what would Hova do?)

35. There’s going to be a “Watch The Iron Throne” mashup, right? I feel like you would really like Game of Thrones. You always kind of struck me as a Tyrion-type character and you would be really cool and badass and I would really enjoy my Sunday nights. All I’m saying is, please hit up HBO for this. It’s an idea.

36. In regards to the following: “Adam gave up a rib so mine better be prime…”, on a scale of one to Kanye, how proud of this pun are you? Honestly. (As a vegetarian, even I think it’s pretty good.)

37. All those things you wanted for your son (never having an ego, being Republican, never going to strip clubs), are you going to make sure North upholds all of these standards now that she’s a girl? (And yes, I get the joke here. If Nori and Blue do not have playdates, that’s a waste of Instagram likes.)

38. But also, if you never let his mom move to L.A. and North’s mom is basically like, the epitome of all things L.A. (as someone from that city, I can say that with both a lot of pain and a lot of pride) are y’all gonna move, or…

39. If no one man should have all that power, is a woman still allowed to have it? I only ask because I would like to have all that power, please and thank you.

40. How many hot bitches do you own, Kanye? This seems like a personal tally. Wait… are you talking about the Kard…. I get it. Nevermind, this answered itself.

41. GIVE JAY AN ANSWER, WHY ARE THE PRETTY ICONS ALWAYS ALL WHITE?!

42. Am I the only person who picked up on the fact that you reference Bridget Jones in “The Joy”? I mean, I’m not surprised because your pop culture knowledge is vast and large and contains multitudes, but, I have to ask: Are you team Daniel Cleaver or team Mark Darcy? Or do you think Bridget should have just been single? Be honest here.

43. What exactly was the “a lot” that the devil in a new dress learned from Satan? Can you extrapolate?

44. How is this devil in the new dress going to wake up and not love you no more? That just seems cold and cruel.

45. Did someone actually say “you are what you eat” when you ordered jerk chicken once upon a time? Because even though I don’t think that, I am sure America as a nation would like to give that girl an award.

46. You do realize that “can’t tell me nothing” is a double negative, right? I mean, I just want you to be aware when people try to tell you something, is all.

47. Could we get much higher? Are we high enough yet? How high can we go? How high, Yeezy? HOW HIGH? (Which is an A+ movie, and if you remade it, I would 10/10 be in the opening night audience.)

48. Not a question, but for the record, “broke” in Spanish is “quebrado.” You’re welcome.

49. What’s worse, the pain or the hangover? Honestly? I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some pretty rough hangovers, but it’s nothing that a really greasy breakfast won’t fix, so…. I mean, do you not have good hangover cures? Does a black card not buy Emergen-C?

50. Wait, were you actually with a girl who honestly didn’t know the word “yacht”?

51. Toasting the douchebags, assholes, scumbags, jerkoffs that never take work off, & co. kind of feels like a personal problem of picking bad company. Do we need to talk about your choice of friends, Ye? Wait, wait… are you subtweeting Jay?!

52. Where were the bad bitches hiding? Did you ever find them? Is this like an Yeezter egg hunt?

53. Is there a specific training program for getting harder, better, faster, stronger? It’s Insanity, isn’t it?

54. If her mother’s brother’s grandmother’s hates you (in that order), what on earth did you do to piss off Mrs. Campbell? (Yes, I Wiki’d Kris Jenner’s lineage. No, I am not ashamed to admit it.)

55. Serious question, though: how does it feel to know that Nicki took one song on one album and completely and totally owned every man on that track with a single guest spot?

56. But when did you realize that you were a champion in their eyes? Birth, right? I feel like you’ve had this swagger since birth.

57. Did Kate Moss ever tell you how she felt about your search for a black Kate Moss? Did you ever succeed in finding one? Also, how does one get on the list to get name-dropped in a song? I would like that very much.

58. But what is the shit you do like?

59. Would you ever consider ACTUALLY starring in a morning talk show? (I would absolutely, totally, completely watch.)

60. Just checking. You learned how to pronounce “Versace” correctly, right?

61. But just to really make sure you shop so much, you can speak Italian: how do you spell ‘Gabbana?’

62. Have you ever shown up to a birthday party and told the guest of honor that your presence was their present? (Honestly just wondering, I have a few festivities to attend soon and I am broke and would like to know how that pans out.)

63. How does Lord Disick feel about your using his name as the ultimate of dick-puns in ‘The One’? I mean, his character arc (if reality stars can have those) is pretty inspiring, and maybe the both of you are just misunderstood?

64. Dipping an ass in gold sounds really kinky. Isn’t Kim tan enough? Must you enact Goldfinger-inspired foreplay into your sex life? Also, must you tell us about it? Must you?

65. If Jay’s Achilles heel is love and he doesn’t get enough of it, does that mean that Beyoncé is a cold, cruel wife?

66. (Will you now bail me out when the Beygency comes after me for making a Beyoncé-related joke?)

67. Tangental, but not really related: let’s be honest, are you one of Jay-Z’s 99 problems?

68. Also tangental, but not really related: what’s your official stance on 1989? Did Beyoncé have the best album of all time? Wait, does this mean your album wasn’t the best album of all time? Isn’t that counterintuitive to how Kanye feels about Kanye?

69. But honestly, do you know what it feels like to drive a new Maserati down a dead-end street?

70. What IS a mob to a king? Because there was a whole musical about this, but if you did not see Les Mis, I highly recommend it. I feel like it’s right up your aesthetic alley.

71. What IS a king to a God? Because there were a number of kings who thought they were the direct conduit to God, but like, that’s a history lesson for another day.

72. What IS a god to a nonbeliever who don’t believe in anything? Clearly the riddle is important if it is a chorus, but Yeezus almighty, you cannot leave me hanging like this. Wait. Does this have to do with Gatsby? Was Gatsby the god or the nonbeliever?

73. For once and for all, how exactly do you spell “HANH!“?

74. Are you a member of the Illuminati? What’s being an Illuminati-member like? But wait! If you actually are a member of the Illuminati, do not reply to any of these questions. Do not acknowledge this piece, that I spent way too many hours of my life crafting. Do not do anything, but continue keeping on your life. If you are not a member of the Illuminati, retweet this out. I’d be eternally grateful.

75. Also, could I maybe babysit North? I am CPR-certified. Thanks either way.