The 6 Phases Of Heartbreak For The Quintessential Funny Girl

I’m Laughing Hard Because I’m OK Phase

She begins by overcompensating for her heartbreak. The tears are stinging at the back of her eyes and she needs to convince the world that they’re just tears of laughter. Her heart feels like it will choke her lungs, so she slaps her knee while she laughs.

More jokes, more puns, more smiles which don’t crinkle the eyes.

In fact, you’ll see more of her everywhere. She’ll be at all the parties, birthdays, group dinners, third-wheeling on double dates — she’s going to be everywhere.

After all, she’s ok.

I can make Mean Jokes Phase

Her jokes then take a different route — self-deprecation. It’s easy, she already hates herself for what has happened. And, this is a great way to channelize her innate talent for humor with the surreal reality she’s in presently.

Mind you, this is the phase of mean, dry, sarcastic humor — and is very different to spot from your regular dry, sarcastic humor.

Pro Tip- Watch for the disgust in her eyes, after she’s called herself unlucky the fifth day since morning.

People are Total Shitheads Phase

But ugh, people begin to worry, and ask questions. In annoying, soothing tones and with subdued smiles and droopy, bobbing shoulders.

“Heyyyy…is everything alright? Are you doing ok? Do you want to talk?”

They just don’t get it, she’s the funny girl. You cannot show her pitiful eyes, pursed lips, and bobbing shoulders. It’s just disrespectful. and infuriating.

One wouldn’t bring in a trampoline to a wake to cheer up the mood right!?

So why, do these ‘well-meaning’ people bring ‘heartfelt’ sympathies to the girl who is all laugh and smiles?!

She’s okay. What more do you want?

You want her to cry?

I am Crying Phase

Technically, no one has seen a Funny Girl in this phase and lived to talk about it. It is rumored she can wail for hours into her pillow, and her face gets so scrunched up and crimson, many a folk tale compare it to a cursed tomato.

The crying cursed tomato girl.

This phase is said to be induced by an external onslaught of sympathy, in sync with her depleting reserve of jokes and fake laughs. And not even Funny Girl can stand that kind of double whammy, please…

The multiplicative effect essentially gets the Funny Girl into the next stage.

Heisenberg Hibernation Phase

Like the previous stage, this phase is also very tricky to observe. The Funny Girl will go into a social hibernation of sorts. She will attend to the most necessary of functions and tasks, but anything more than that has been knocked off her calendar.

“Coffee?”
“No thanks, I had mine already”

“I’ll pick you on the way to the office?”
“No thanks, I think I’ll walk”

“Oh, cool. I’ll walk with you.”
“You know, I think I might just quit office.Bye.”

Just like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, as soon as you’ve seen her socializing — she’s not hibernating and if you haven’t seen her, you can’t say for sure what’s her emotional state. Funny Girl is now Schrödinger’s Cat.

This isn’t a Fairytale Phase

She doesn’t magically emerge all happy and healed one day. This isn’t a caterpillar and butterfly story, because while she might be the funny girl, she’s definitely not deluded. Or on hallucinogens. Usually.

So to make it clear — Yes, the heartbreak is getting more liveable. Yes — she’s finding herself again in a million tiny ways. No — she doesn’t want to talk about it, so take your pity eyes back. No — she is not looking to date right now. (Gosh, did you even know her?!)

She’ll be okay — technically, she always maintained she was — but just between you and me — maybe she wasn’t.

BUT…

She will be okay. For now, her biggest accomplishment is that she’s the Funny Girl again. The real one this time.