I Don’t Want To Love You (But I Still Do)

I don’t want to love you. I don’t even want to like you at all. It’s true what they say, that you can’t choose who you love. I know it’s true because I want to choose not to love you, yet I can’t. Instead I have the displeasure of thinking about you constantly and wondering what you’re doing instead of being with me. I’m forced to imagine what it’d be like to hold you hand and feel your soft lips against mine. I’m tortured by the mere imagination of an “us”.

I have no reason to love you. You are nothing like the person I pictured in my fairytale when I was just a girl. My Prince Charming was supposed to be a tall and brawny man who would sweep me off my feet with his sparkling blue eyes and breathtaking smile. He was supposed to woo me from afar and slowly earn his way into my heart, which blossomed with love for him. He was supposed to shower me in affections and make me feel like the princess he thought I was.

But you don’t even text me. You don’t sweep me off my feet and you don’t shower me in flirtations. You don’t make me feel special and you don’t even love me back.

You’re sloppy and unaffectionate. Your eyes don’t sparkle and your teeth don’t shine. You spend way too much time watching TV and you don’t care about your future like I do. You rarely work out, and you hate it when you do.

Yet, I love you. I really do. I love you because you make me feel loved without even trying. I love you because you make me feel like I’m not the lonely person I know that I am. I love you because when I’m with you I feel like we could take on the world together and because you make me smile by just looking into my eyes. I love you because, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about you.

I keep hoping that maybe you will turn out to be the Prince Charming I always dreamed of as a little girl. I keep trying to make you see me like I see you, and make you fall in love with me like I fell in love with you. I keep holding myself back from telling you how I feel because I want you to tell me you love me first. I keep wishing that one day everything will change and we will live happily ever after. I keep doing all of these things, not because I want to, but because I can’t choose to not love you.