Crissy Milazzo

I am 99.9% positive that I’ve never murdered a person. That .1% is a pretty big deal to me, though, because I am one of the many incredibly irritating assholes on this planet who subscribes to the “but nothing is really impossible” logic best suited for writing Disney movies and/or ending/losing pointless arguments at dinner parties.

SPONSORED Contrary to popular belief, one-night stands aren’t limited to one-off sexual encounters with strangers: in reality, the stuff of one-night stands covers everything from unintentionally platonic sleepovers to weird couch make outs.

You guys, I am all about “dinkus.”

1. Did you paste the link?

“You could get that fixed.”

Drugs Are Really Expensive

I think a lot of us have experienced that goldilocks effect — never being enough of the right thing to escape criticism.

Here are 21 songs that pay tribute to ‘out with the old’ and in with the not awful. Always for the better than for them, the literal worst.

You don’t hate Mondays, you hate endings.

No one wants to know how your day is. I repeat: no one cares about your day. Nor does anyone care “how it’s going” or “what’s up?”

You begin to talk to yourself like that overly aggressive football coach who feels that negging their players into submission is doing God’s work.

3. Your petty expertise(s)