7 Standardized Tests Adults Should Be Given (To Be Allowed To Exist)
Being an adult is complicated. When we were kids, we got tested at the behest of the state — you know, to make sure we were worth their money and all. Now, we’re left to our own devices to roam free, which entails a lot of fucking up at the expense of other people’s time and energy. Here are a few handy tests I believe adults need to take in order to be allowed to exist in 2Kwhatever.
1. The SAT: Sorry, Actually Tried
This test measures whether or not an adult can convincingly string together a bunch of words to form an excuse — for bailing, flaking, or any other form of not showing up — in order to appear both competent and committed to one’s social engagements. Without ever actually having to show up, of course.
2. The ACT: Another Coffee, Though?
Gauges your ability to discern whether or not you actually need that next coffee, or if you’re just using it to procrastinate and/or have something to do at the office before you lose your mind, throw your computer out the window, and move to the woods.
3. The GRE: Good at Rebuffing Exes
Can you get a late night text from your ex and come up with a quick rebuff? A simple “lol, yeah” or, even better, a read receipt with no response whatsoever? If you can’t, you’re not allowed to own a phone after 9PM. Simple.
4. The LSAT: Look, Shit’s Agressively Tough
Do you have the higher reasoning to determine when you’re really busy, when work is actually crazy? Can you discern when life is hard so that you’re not constantly saying how hard it is, only to be sorely overwhelmed when shit does get tough? This one is a must for those who would like to avoid depression, an empty existence, etc. et. al. profound unbearable sadness etc. etc.
5. The MCAT: Medical Care Adaption Trials
Can you take care of yourself like your parents used to? Are you able to properly prepare chicken soup, or will you just cry and go hungry? Do you have band-aids on deck? Rubbing alcohol? Bactine? Are you ready to be your own doctor and your own patient, or will your significant other or unwilling booty call be the one who has to step in and take care of your ass? All valid questions.
6. The Presidential Adult Fitness Test, Or: Have You Worked Out This Month?
Feel like this one-question test is pretty important: have you worked out this month? Y/N? If N, please fill out this questionnaire detailing your life and your choices, including several questions in the vein of: but how much time and money have you spent on the idea of working out?
7. Last but not least, a real plea: A Verbal-Live Demo Driver’s Ed Multiple Choice Permit Test
Lets be real: we should be given driver’s ed tests every year. A person should drive with you and subject you to an hour of prompts, to make sure you’re not out there being a total dick to everyone else: abusing right on reds, never using a blinker, parking like an ass and making it impossible to fit the max amount of cars in the cherished spaces, and in general, being the worst. #StopBeingTheWorst2015AndBeyond. That’s the hashtag for this movement. Just like, use a blinker though. And pull forward. And pull out straight, carefully, and at a safe time, always, in all scenarios. 
