I Was Writing About Him Before I Realized I Was Writing About Him

I’ve read countless of hopeful stories about people finding their other halves. I never saw relationships that way. I always wanted someone to show me things I never knew, open my eyes to what I never noticed at first glance. I don’t think there is a specific one that will find me. I think there can be several ones, it all depends on timing and choice. The act of choosing someone forever, as though it’s not some sort of cosmic collision. But then, what did I know, merely a soul floating along guided by the wind when his eyes stopped me.

The boy with blue eyes I had never expected to turn my way. A person so eager to learn about the strange, dusty and awkward answers I offered earnestly. The night we met I wanted to rip apart the sky to show him everything behind it. I wanted to hold the stars in my hands to show him the soul inside something which seemed to burn forever.

It’s eyes like his I could feel on me across the room. I wasn’t looking, entranced in the moment, a chance meeting when my eyes looked up to his. It was startling, to be honest. But there was comfort too, like I’ve felt his gaze my entire life. I’ve seen his mouth curl into a smile while his arms engulfed my waste.

It was something. Something I refused to get caught up in. I didn’t care. I didn’t. I only cared to see if he noticed all the moving parts. Nothing is solid, there are fragments and cracks giving character to each structure. Here, this scar, it was my first fall down hill off of a bicycle. The one on my leg from trying to climb a fence. I had plans, things to do, places to see. His eyes caught me so off guard it’s almost like I had vertigo. I never had the feeling before, different than the one who I claimed to have broken my heart. There was silence in his presence, a safety of the world. Nothing existed beyond our interaction.

The ground witnessed my nerves as his eyes kissed me outside. It was only a few days after I swore to never get caught up. I remembered what it was like to fall in love with myself. Right now, there was no room for two inside of me. His smile, though, was so genuine. A way I wouldn’t have noticed before. After, I gave up and just started feeling life with my hands. My eyes used to block out the truth of empty promises. After him, they accepted humans as humans while his eyes pierced through my skin. I could feel the vibration of his smile walking home as we realized we could see our breath. He put my hands in his pockets, told me they didn’t need to be cold.

It was a funny thing I realized that night. I was never one to fall so quickly and for the first time, losing him would mean something. We said goodbye at my front door, my head full of wonder and ribs filled with promise. That night though, before I fell asleep I thought, there is no point in effort if only one is willing to put it forth.