A Tour Of The Sex Questions On OKCupid

“Which pubic hair style do you prefer for a partner?”

1. Natural
2. Neatly Trimmed
3. Completely Shaven
4. It Doesn’t Matter

This is one of the quandaries that OkCupid asks in their questionnaire section. Something the site feels it must know to correctly match you with your partner. Do you like pubes neat or completely shaven? (Come on, natural? Are we neanderthals?) And then, once you’ve made that high impact decision, you get to choose how important that answer is to your quest for a mate. Irrelevant, a little important, somewhat important, very important, or MANDATORY. As in, “It is mandatory that my partner’s crotch be neatly trimmed, otherwise I really don’t see the point in going on living.”

OKCupid is a strange place.

Truth be told, pubic hair is one of the tamer topics in OkCupid’s “Questions” section. Sure, there are basic questions like, “Could you date a smoker?” or “Do spelling mistakes annoy you?” but then things get pretty dark, pretty fast. There are sections on ethics, religion, culture, but those often get brushed passed on the way to the sex questions, probably because that category seems to have been crafted by a serial killer. And the most shocking thing is that these responses MATTER. OKCupid readily admits that your answers to these questions are the sole determining factor in who they recommend to you as a compatible dater. Agree on matters pube and otherwise, your “match score” will be through the roof. Disagree and the website will be less likely to show you to each other. Yippee! The questions are written by users, but OKCupid vets them and decides which ones to ask you specifically. To get a sense of how insane that is, here’s a sampling of some those questions. And yes, they are all totally real.

Would you ever consider cutting a partner (who asked for it) in sexual play?

First of all — no. And second of all — What?! Is that a thing? Are people out there cutting each other during sex? To serve what purpose? Because they always felt the one thing sex was missing a ton of blood? I can’t remember the last time I was making out with a girl and thought “man, I really wish somebody would stab me right now.” Sex is complicated enough, we don’t need to be introducing knives into the equation. And just for the record, I answered “Maybe” on this one. In case Freddy Krueger had a hot sister.

If a partner asked you to have sex in a sex shop booth with others watching, would you?

I’m not even entirely sure what a sex shop booth is. Where people watch porn inside the sex shop, because watching it the privacy of their own home has become common and predictable? That sounds awful. And why would these people even want to watch me have sex, when they can admire the work of skilled professionals on the little screen right in front of them?

If a clone was made of you, would you sleep with it?

Really? Something that’s not even scientifically possible? That’s required to find me a girlfriend, Cupid? Is this a personality questionnaire or a Stanley Kubrick movie? And no, sir, I would not have sex with my clone, because I know how I get afterwards. The crying, the non-stop text messages, it’s just not worth the trouble.

How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?

Terrified? Is terrified an option?

Have you ever gone on a rampant sex spree while depressed?

Ok, that’s literally something they ask serial killers. What’s next, “Did you ever kill small animals as a child?” Let’s say, for the sake of argument, I have gone a rampant sex spree while depressed. (Spoiler alert: I haven’t. When I’m depressed I eat pieces of chocolate that have been filled with peanut butter.) What possible reason is there for me to share this with a perspective lover? On the chance that she too is rampant sex spreer, and is looking for someone of a similar spirit? No one would ever be looking for that. That’s deranged. So basically this question boils down to “If you click ‘yes,’ you will immediately become undesirable to everyone on the face of the earth. Would you still like to click ‘yes’?” Because I am a savvy internet dater, I clicked “no.” And ate another Reese’s.

How would you feel about a partner self-stimulating while you are performing oral sex?

Why, are we making a porno? How complicated is this going to get? Should I buy a swing?

How many people have you kissed that are not related to you, in a more than friendly way?

Well, that seems like a reasonable — wait, why did you say “that are not related to you.” Why is that necessary? Why would I even think that you’re asking how many people I’ve had romantic kisses with including THE ONES THAT I’M RELATED TO? That number’s definitely gonna be zero, right? We’re not romantically kissing people we’re related to, riiiiight?

Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?

Depends. Are we talking legitimate rape, or one of those light, playful fun rapes?

Do you think you can tell how good someone is at sex by how they move on the dance floor?

Oh God, I hope not. Please don’t let this be true. PLEASE.

If your partner wanted to pay for you, as a couple, to see a professional dominatrix would you go?

As long as she’s a professional. I have had it up to here with amateur dominatrixes! And I’m glad we got the finances out of the way early, because my biggest problem with going to see a dominatrix as a couple was who would foot the bill.

After reading these questions, I began to think none of them were meant for me. That my sex life was hopelessly mundane and out of touch. Then, finally, I found a nice, normal quandary that made me feel right at home. We’ll call it the cherry on the top of the Crazy OkCupid Sex Questions Sundae…

While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?

YES! Obviously yes! I have and will again. In fact, when I think sexual satisfaction, I think, “What would Flipper do?” My lover need not even request it. So thank you OKCupid, for having at least one question I can identify with!

Remember the simpler times, when we were only worried about pubic hair?