Even If This Is How We End, I Want You To Know I’m Okay

From you, I have learned that life is truly unpredictable. The saying that love finds you when you least expect it really is true. We had one of those moments you only see in movies where two people in a big, lonely city somehow end up in the exact same place at the exact same time and from there it all begins. Like you said before, it all started on the train.

You were the person I had always hoped for, my wish at 11:11 I always felt silly for wanting. There I was never expecting you to follow me, but you did, and for that, I am so, so thankful. As bad as things are right now between us, I still do not regret meeting you. You were exactly what I wanted, and you taught me that sometimes life is more about enjoying each fleeting moment than worrying about all of the bigger ones that could come next.

Thank you for showing me that what comes next is so much better than anything you have left behind you in your past. Thank you for teaching me the value of our limited time here on earth and the power that true affection can have on the most damaged of hearts. Thank you for making me feel the way I was always told I deserved to feel, and thank you for helping me see how much value I really do have.

Through you, I learned more than just the happiness love can bring to you. I learned that sometimes love can be so cruel and so unfair. Sometimes the love is there but the people simply cannot be. I think that is the most difficult lesson you have brought to my attention; that everything can seem so right but ultimately still be so incredibly wrong. I have learned that sometimes distance does not matter; you can go months without seeing a person, and it will be like nothing ever changed. But you have also taught me that sometimes distance can change you in ways you never expected. Sometimes distance can show you your true colors, no matter how hard you try to mask them. Love is cruel, distance is unbearable, but silence is truly the toughest pain to conquer.

You cannot make someone talk to you, no matter how many times you apologize or how many times it seems like things might finally be okay. The human mind is a mystery, and I doubt that we will ever even understand our own minds, so how can we expect to have someone else completely figured out? I thought I knew you, but now I am not so sure. None of this adds up anymore, and I am trying to figure out when you went from the boy telling me I will always have a home wherever you are to the boy who has made it impossible for us to even speak. You have taught me that words have more weight than I ever could have imagined. (If you are reading this, I hope you know I’m sorry.)

You have taught me that I need to learn to speak up for myself more. The phrase “I wish you would have told me sooner” will haunt my memory for years to come because I will never know if that truly would have made a difference. If I would have told you how I really felt and how I wished we could have been exclusive for the time we did have together, I am not sure if I would have been granted all of that time with you. And that right there is the biggest lesson you have taught me. If someone truly wants to be with you, even the shortest amount of time with you would be worth it to them. Time with anyone is never promised, so if you want to be with someone, then be with them. Just because you cannot promise them forever does not mean they do not deserve your full attention right now. A few beautiful months with the right person can be more valuable than a lifetime with someone you do not truly love. Living in the moment is not synonymous with infidelity. You have taught me that.

I have learned from you exactly what I want in a relationship and exactly what I do not. You have taught me that I should never silence my emotions because part of being in a relationship means learning to take the good and the bad parts of people. I was so willing to hear you out and to listen, but you never even gave me the chance. I know now that some people may never come to terms with the true depth of their emotions and that is something you have to learn to live with if you become involved with one of those people. People are so much more afraid than we often let others see, and we all have different ways of dealing with these fears. I hope one day you will face yours.

You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I promise I will never stop believing in the good in people, even when they hurt me. I do not want to believe that the dark sides we see of others is all that they are; I think there is goodness and light in everyone, you just have to be careful while you look for it. Maybe I am jaded and maybe I put you up on a pedestal, but I hope from me you have learned that there will be people who will treat you kindly no matter how deeply you hurt them because they will see through your hurting. They will see your pain and will understand why you push others away the way that you do, and they will do anything they can to help you see the good parts in yourself, even if that means living a life without them.

As they say, if it isn’t okay, then it isn’t the end. But what I have learned from you is that the definition of okay is ever-changing and not always something we will understand in the present. Sometimes it takes a while until we understand that we are now okay and why certain situations unfolded as they did. So even if this is how our story ends, I want you to know that I am okay.

And that you will be, too.